Time to Confess

If there was ever any question about how I felt about BMG, my state this morning proves that I am totally gaga for the boy. I feel totally messed up, can’t think straight, haven’t felt like this about someone in a long, long time. I am going to tell him how I feel. I think I have to; I can’t go on feeling like I feel right now. Every time I am with him, my feelings grow stronger, and that isn’t healthy if there is no chance of a future between us.

I’ve been afraid to say anything because of my fear of disappointment. I can get over him not reciprocating my feelings, but I have such a hard time getting over the disappointment of feeling like I am never got to find anyone to love. But if his response leads to disappointment, the timing is perfect - I’ll have the entire summer to forget about him. If he feels the same way… damn my timing sucks!

All this isn’t just coming from out of the blue. Last night I was heading over to Disco Park to run when BMG called. I’m not sure if he was calling just to talk, or if he wanted to know if I wanted to do dinner (he mentioned dinner when I asked what he was up to). When I said I was going running, he basically invited himself along (not that I minded). He was going to ride his bike over there, so I had a few minutes to kill. I came back home to #1 shave my legs and #2 change into a cuter shirt. Lame? Well, you didn’t see how long the hairs on my legs were! He was still hurting from his bike accident and I was pretty sore from soccer the night before, but actually ran at a rather decent clip. I led for the majority of the run, but he did pass me right at the end – damn it! We stood at my car, chatting after. I was hoping he’d suggest getting dinner, but when he didn’t, I asked. He said he was thinking about getting a pizza and I asked if I could share with him. We both headed home to shower and I picked up the pizza on my way to his house. There we ate and hung out with his roommates. A friend of his came by and the 3 of us went for a beer. I wasn’t necessarily planning on joining them for a beer, but he actually asked if the bar he picked was cool with me – so I took that as an indication that he wanted me to come, and join them. We just split a pitcher and talked a lot. A couple of bits and pieces of the conversation that I am analyzing to no end…

1. We were talking about dating. I said guys rarely make it past the 2nd date with me. BMG said “Yeah, I heard that about you.” Was he just joking, or is he referring to something ILC told him?
2. The subject of the night that BMG and I met came up and he said “I had a lot of fun that night. Let me say that I found you very interesting…” and he gave me a “look.” He continued “I filed that one away.” I said “but it took you a month to call me.” He said “you were going to Honduras.” I thought “and you still had a girlfriend.” The night we met was my birthday party and I was pretty drunk. We hit it off and I flirted rather heavily with him. He flirted back – but there was the issue of the almost ex-girlfriend. I have not flirted openly with him since then.
3. We were discussing moving and having to make new friends. He said he isn’t good at making new friends and we both agreed that having to do so is hard and sucks. The thought of not leaving his friends is one thing pulling him towards staying in Seattle despite the fact that he doesn’t really doesn’t like it here (but I think he would like it if he gave it more of a chance). Point is, Seattle is still a possibility for next year.
4. He invited me to a friend’s BBQ (his friend that I’ve hung out with several times). It is Thursday night, when I leave for West Virginia, but my flight doesn’t leave until midnight and the BBQ is about 10 minutes closer to the airport – technically on the way…
5. He is going to Santa Fe for work training. I’m going to Santa Fe on my road trip. We are missing each other by 2 days. Boo!

I feel a bit less anxious now that I am confident that I am going to “confess” to him, but now the question is how? I think in person is best, but I’d have to call to ask if he was home and if I could come over – and I’d have to say something like “Can I come over, I want to tell you/talk to you about something…” which is not quite the way I’d like to start the conversation out. I could wait and do it at the BBQ, but I am not certain I am going, and there will be so many others around that I don’t think we’ll get a chance to talk alone. So is telling him over the phone ok?