Looking Forward

A lot of tears were shed this weekend when my friends left. As sad as I was, it was almost a relief for them to have finally departed. I had been building up this moment for months and the anticipation was possibly the hardest part. I don't think it will really all hit me until I am up for a last minute run, or a home cooked meal and a movie, or just need someone to talk to face-to-face. That is when I'll really miss Laura - the girl who was an anchor of my life in Seattle and who made the past 5 years more than I could ever ask for.

But I know I can't wallow around forever. So without further ado - the list of things to look forward to:

01. Finishing my masters degree. Even though I have 4 more years here, it will be such a great feeling of accomplishment.

02. Climbing Mt. St. Helen's. I attempted this 4 years ago with Laura actually. But sleet, fog, and miserable attitudes caused us to turn back before the summit (not like we would have had a view or anything).

03. Cyprus. I NEED a vacation, and what is better than a vacation where the plane ticket is paid for by school!?!?

04. New friends. I recently met Kacy, who I felt instantly at ease with, and we are going to see Mamma Mia! this week.

05. The countdown to my 30th birthday. Wait!?! I'm looking forward to that?

Home Sweet Home (Alone)

For the next week and a half I have my whole house to myself. Yes, all to myself!! Steve is biking his way across the country. Lisa is sailing around southeast Alaska. Brian is trekking through Central America. Ummm, thank goodness I have my own vacay on the horizon, or I'd be jealous with a capital J (instead of the little j I've got going on now)!

Not to say my roommates (and their significant others, many who seem like roommates themselves) are not great. They are. And not to say that my rent doesn't rock. $450 for a huge bedroom and my own bathroom, in a great neighborhood. Sweet!

But sometimes (more so lately) I wish for my own place. I wish I had a fridge that wasn't filled the the brim, and often the home of food that has outlived its edible life. I wish if the house was messy, it was solely my mess, and not the mess of 4 people combined. I wish I had a living room that felt more homey. I wish I could decorate more.

Really, I wish I had $300,000 so I could by a little place of my own. The really sad part is that while owning a home is a quite longshot (meaning impossible) with my grad student lifestyle, finding a 1-bedroom apartment that I can afford (in a neighborhood I want to live in) isn't all that promising either. *sigh*

I could just stop now - finish my masters degree and find myself a job where I could make a pretty penny. But honestly, school is the only thing I am truely happy with in my life right now.

So until I win the lottery, I think I'm stuck here in the house on Phinney. I keep reminding myself, it could be worse. And maybe KC will move back to Seattle after Denmark (because honestly, I can't take another friend moving to damn Boston) and we can get a place together. K-squared, how cute!

(See, I knew I had a post in me!)

The Opposite

My best-est from from the the days of barbies and Debbie Gibson was married last month. The affair, overlooking Manhattan, was extravagant and a total fairy tale for the bride. (And expensive for poor grad student bridesmaids like me!)

It was the complete opposite of what I want my wedding to be like.

Maybe it is because I met someone who was the first person I actually thought about a real future with (*sniffle*), but for whatever reason, I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about what I want my wedding to be like. I haven't been dreaming about it since I was little, so I was working with a blank canvas.

I want to get married in Mexico.

I want it to be small.

I want there to be lots of guacamole and margaritas. And fish tacos.

I want a simple dress, to show off my curves and that doesn't engulf me. Something I'm not likely to find in a bridal salon.

I don't want a bridal party. There are too many people that are important to me to single a few out. And make them buy dresses they might never wear again.

I want everyone to dance - yes everyone! And there will be some Justin Timberlake in the mix.

I want an amazing photographer.

Maybe I ought to work on snagging myself a boyfriend. And more importantly a boyfriend who doesn't say "I'm not sure I want to ever be married..."

High Expectations

I'm having a hard time trusting people right now. There are only two people that I trust enough to truly open up about the chaos going on inside of me. One is Gris (my best-est grad school friend), who has been a lifesaver time and time again over the past few weeks. And the other is Boston. Which is really f'ed up considering that at the same time I trust him enough to open up, I have a hard time trusting that he won't hurt me.

Everyone else I've just sort of shied away from. I've even shied away from writing about it all in my blog. When people ask how things are going I say fine and start talking about the plane ticket I booked to Cyprus this week (yay!), how my thesis is *this* close to being finished, or upcoming camping trips. I deflect questions about Max and Laura leaving, and especially about my "relationship" with Boston. I can't trust myself enough not to cry when talking about these things. I don't want others to see just how bad things are. I just want to be happy, and if I can't have that, well then I'll fake it.

But things were going well will Boston. Until yesterday.

He did something that upset me. Something he knew would upset me.

He thinks I expect too much from him. That I expect him to bat a thousand and there is no room for error. That I am only looking at what he did "wrong" and failing to remember all that he did "right."

He is right.

But I've realized that he expects too much from me too. He expects me to be tougher, to handle all this change with a bit more strength. He doesn't understand, or won't let himself understand why I am this upset.

We both expect so much out of each other, I think because we both know what the other is capable of. I know he is a thoughtful, smart man. He knows I am a strong, independent woman. He isn't being thoughtful. I'm not being strong. We are both frustrated about the other not being all they can be. And we are both too stubborn cut the other some slack.

After a 90 minute phone call, we came to no conclusions. I don't know what we do next. I don't know what I do next.

I’m Fine with Just Water

I stopped drinking 29 days ago. I felt like my life was spinning out of control, which is a scary feeling. It wasn’t that the drinking itself was making me feel out of control (in fact, I was on a bit of a beer diet, no drinking when I was just sitting around at my or my then-boyfriend’s house, meaning really not that much drinking at all), but everything else in my life is crazy and I just wanted to feel in control of something… to anything.

For the most part I don’t miss it. With all the late nights at school and long runs, I don’t have much excess energy and there isn’t much time to socialize. But when I am out, it is a bit awkward to have to explain why the girl who was always up for a beer suddenly isn’t. Without diving into the recent woes known as my life, it is kind of hard to understand.

But there are times when a cold drink sounds really good. Like when eating at my favorite Mexican joint, or while enjoying the sun at an outdoor bar after a long bike ride, or especially while sitting around a campfire. But those are also the times when it feels really good to say no. I feel like I am making a decision in my life, instead of having my life decided for me. It is not quite an equal trade-off: I can’t make the people who are important to me stay in Seattle, so I’ll just say no to a beer instead… but it is better than nothing, I guess.

There is a wedding this weekend. I’m a bridesmaid and I’ll be seeing friends and my parents, whom I haven’t seen since Christmas. And I’ll have a drink. Or two. Or three. I’m going to give up my "control" for the night in the name of good times with those I love. But the real question is, what will happen when I come back to Seattle? There are lots of campfires in my future.

To drink, or not to drink? That is the question…

Emails

Boston,

I just wanted to say thanks for coming over last night. I had been in a funk the past few days. I just started thinking too much about the future and that just got me scared and confused, which I think are normal feelings given the circumstances, but I just don’t want them to control me in the present. Anyway, seeing you, even if I am acting all awkward because I am trying not to act like I am in a bad mood, reminds me that I should just be focusing on us in the “right now” and not worrying too much about the future. Blah, blah, blah… So, I just wanted to at least explain myself and acknowledge to someone how I was feeling so it wasn’t all just up in my head. Why I couldn’t just say this to you last night, I don’t know (probably because I didn't want to start a conversation about it)... but I think I’m all better now (at least until next month).

- k

***************************************************************************************************************************************

k,

It’s all understandable. And shared.

- Boston

New Attitude

My attitude has been pure poop the past few weeks. I am totally frusterated and want *someone* to make it better.

The only *someone* who can make it better is ME. (Note: I just noticed there is actually a ME in soMEone.)

I've said, to myself, to him, to our friends, that I've chosen to move forward and make the most of the next few months with Boston (p.s. thanks for all your words of wisdom on the subject, I took them all to heart). I knew when I started dating him what the situation was. Hell, at that point he was supposedly heading back at the end of February. But despite saying that I am ok with it, I've still be mopping around and feeling totally insecure. I am not thinking about it quite this way, but I can sorta see these next 5 months as an opportunity to develop this relationship into something that he can't walk away from. But... why wouldn't he want to walk away from a whiney, moody, insecure girl!?!?

So, as of yesterday afternoon, I am not going to be that girl. Best part about it all... I am NOT that girl. I am the spunky, energetic, always ready for a good time girl that he fell for in the first place - so it shouldn't be hard to project that attitude again.

I need to adjust my attitude in a few other areas as well. There are some friendships I have been neglecting and have been less than focused on my thesis. Nothing will be fixed overnight, but I know I, alone, am the key to regaining my healthy, happy attitude on life.