Email to KC Turned Post on my Blog

Last week JP said we should go hiking after he finished up his exams. I said lets go this weekend (as in the one coming up) and he said yes. Then this weekend people were going to a bar that I am way too old to show my face at, but it was MJ's birthday (she is younger than me, therefore it is acceptable for her to celebrate there). I asked JP and my crush turned best buddy if they were going. JP said he felt old (me too!) but would go if I did. So I picked him up. It was fun until it got crowded and people got drunk (including him and everyone else, but not me). We didn't stay out late, but I had a good time. That night Nik asked me what was going on between him and I - you know us hiking together, going canoeing... It probably was a loaded question keeping in mind that Nik and MJ are pretty good friends with JP. They probably talk to him more than I do - bc half the time he freaking ignores me! I just kind of brushed it off bc it is a long explanation. See below.

Then yesterday MJ comes by to ask if she can borrow my tent for the weekend. I tell her that JP and I are going hiking (and I had been planning the whole time to invite others) so if her and her boyfriend are camping near where we hike, they should meet us. She is like - wait, but isn't it a date? Ummm... no, we are just hiking. And she was like yes it is, he thinks it is... It was obvious he had been talking to her about it.

But it isn't a date - it is the same as us doing things together like we always have. Right?

So I basically freaked out about it after she left (I was also in the middle of writing an email to my advisor about how much school sucks, which was stressing me out too). *This is the see below part* There is nothing wrong with JP. He is nice (again, except when he is ignoring me), smart, cute, blah blah blah. But I don't think I can or want to be in a relationship right now. I don't feel like I am able to trust someone now. And I've already lost a good friend (Boston) because we got into a relationship that didn't work. It sucked and I don't want to do that again. It was fine to be flirting with my crush turned best buddy (before we actually became friends) and to go out on several dates with that guy I met on that crazy night out before Christmas because that was all inconsequential, but I feel like this does have more consequences.

Yeah, I'm a bit lonely and having a guy to occupy my time and say nice things to me would be nice - but I don't think that guy should be the one whose office sits directly above mine.

So now I don't know what to do. This hike could be so awkward!?!

Guys (and school) are so frustrating. I need to get on a plane and just blow this joint. 2 weeks and counting...

I Just Don’t Get You

Dear JP,

When we met during the first day of school I was really excited. You are my age (as opposed to 25 like most of my other school friends), smart, cute, athletic, nice… We got drunk together 4 or 5 days in a row the first day of the fall quarter (and then I got sick and stayed sick the entire quarter – which sucked). I took you on your first NW camping trip. It was all fun and I was looking forward to a fabulous friendship. But then I realized, at times, you are a dud.

I want to be your friend, and I try really hard at it. I go out of my way to invite you to do things – whether it be to have lunch on the lawn outside or go hiking. I even planned your birthday ice cream outing! When we hang out, we have fun. I enjoy your company, and unless you are an incredible actor, you enjoy mine. If nothing else, I feel like you are a genuine person.

But you NEVER invite me to do anything. I’m always the one initiating. Or on the few occasions you do plan something, I’ve been totally left out. Yeah, I did realize that you invited everyone else over before MJs birthday party a few weeks ago to play Rockband, yet never mentioned it to me. And then I felt kind of stupid when people asked why I wasn’t at your place. It was pretty uncool...

I don’t understand why you get in your “moods,” and start completely ignoring me - not responding to text or calls or emails. I called you out on it last week and you responded that you weren’t ignoring me. But really?!? I had to text you, call you, and then text you again just to find out that you “can’t” go to the BBQ you were interested in going to 2 hours ago – but you weren’t ignoring me.

KC asked the question that was in the back of my mind – is there any sort of sexual tension between us. I don’t think so, right? MJ did ask about any potential for “us” awhile ago. And in the same weekend, both Laura and Lan asked what the deal is with you. It is nothing personal though, and maybe I’m even quick to dismiss it because it might actually work. But if that is why you never ask me to do anything or sometimes ignore me, if it is because you like me and don’t know what to do about it… well stop. First, you don’t want to be with me - at least not now, I’m a freaking mess when I start thinking about relationships. And second, I’d probably be more open with the whole idea if you took some initiative and didn’t blow me off.

I think we have potential to be great friends. But I think you are on the verge of blowing it JP. I just don’t get you.

Sincerely,
k

Intertwined

I spent a weekend in Vancouver with 3 great girls - engineers, PhD students, runners, outdoorsy chicks - what more can I ask for in terms of potential new friends!?!?
















But they know Boston... and hang out with him (and maybe run with him) occasionally. Not neccessarily friends, but acquaintences.

I hate that this city is so small and I hate that my world is intertwined with his.

I haven't had crazy thoughts about him in months - and after one casual conversation where he happened to come up briefly - I'm back there again.

I want to be friends with these girls for so many reasons, but can I handle it?


(Girl Date #2 Recap soon!)

From Unanswered to Unexpected

Tonight I had a post written in my head about a little experiment involving chocolate and my (lack of) willpower. But that will have to wait because instead I want to talk about the unexpected email in my inbox this evening.

Despite my initial complaining, emails have been exchanged this week about Mexican food, the trip up to Vancouver, and girls' night at the movies tomorrow. And there was an email from a boy. Although not either of the boys I was kind of hoping to hear from. It was an email from...

Ummm, yeah - The Boy!?!?
Whoa!
What?

Last time we "talked" (email/text) it was (initially) about the sweatpants of his that I had. This time it was about the book and snowpants of mine that he *swore* he didn't have, but just found.

He wants to give them back. I don't really want them anymore- nothing to do with him. I'm not sure how I want to respond. Or how I should respond.

Ugh, I hate this.

Better Off

Safe to say that my hopeful attitude about the weekend's date was not mutual. It is pretty funny.

I don't take it personally because any judgements made were based on a 3-hour conversation that barely scratched the surface of who I am. But seriously - I've been on bad dates and even if this wasn't the best date ever, this wasn't a bad date. I don't get it. All I know is that I am better off.

I ended up shooting him a quick email on Tuesday - saying I had a good time, included a follow up to something we had talked about, and mentioned that I'd like to get back together again sometime soon.

And then... NOTHING!?!? Ummm, seriously how old are we here? If he didn't see it going anywhere, I'd appreciate knowing sooner rather than later. But you could at least tell me, instead of being a complete asshole. Come on now, be a man!

While he isn't emailing, his internet is still working. Curious, I hopped back on craigslist today and low and behold, he is out looking for another date. Funny thing... he must have moved a few miles west since Sunday, and also got a bit younger. 3 years to be exact. Then I looked a bit more and found another ad from him - a different neighborhood and a different age.

Whoa.

Wow.

I was looking for someone to run with. He was looking for someone to drink with.

Random, but I went on a date last night.

Saturday I was bummed, I finally had some time to chill and was basically smacked in the face with the fact that most my friends royally suck these days. OK, that isn’t nice. True… but still not nice. Where did all my awesome friends go? (Answer: Boston, Copenhagen, Asshole-land, Boyfriend-ville…). After a good cry into my pillow (my go-to when it comes to tears), I finally had formulated what I was upset about. I want people in my life that take initiative – initiative to do things, initiative to have fun, initiative to not wait for someone else to make the plans. I wasn’t looking for a wild and crazy night, unless you consider renting movies and eating popcorn too much to handle. Of the various excuses, one took home the prize: “I went to the eye doctor this morning (approximately 10 hours prior to movie time) and had my eyes dilated so I think I want to stay close to home.” WTF?! I’m not asking you to read the NYT to me under bright lights or something. And I live 10 freaking blocks away. Whatever.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and find some new fun friends with initiative. Via Craigslist. Yeah, that could be trouble. Sticking to the “Strictly Platonic” section, I sought out females (between the ages of 28 and 33) looking for other females to hang out with. I came across one post that sounded promising and sent a cheerful email her way. Not finding much else out there in the way of new BFFs, I headed over to “Men Seeking Women,” mainly in search of a laugh.

Between

“Looking for a pantyhose lover to hang out with. C'mon. I'm a cool guy, and normal, too. Just looking for a woman that likes to wear pantyhose. I enjoy looking at women that wear pantyhose. There's gotta be a match out there somewhere, right?”

and

“Anyone want to make out today? I'm off, so anytime is fine. Not looking for more than cuddling up and kissing for a while. Age not important, you need to host, or be up for meeting somewhere. Lets trade pics and get kissing soon... “

I actually found a guy that sounded pretty good on paper.

Smart/dorky? Check.
Active? Check.
Confident? Check.
Good looking? Check.

Initiative? Man, I hope so.

He wanted to grab a drink that night, but I was in my pjs, drinking a bottle, err glass, of wine, getting ready to watch a cheesy romantic comedy with my roomie. But I took the plunge, sending him an email (with pictures attached) saying I had plans for the evening, but would be interested in a drink some other time.

So there we were – Sunday evening, enjoying one of my favorite happy hours, sitting at a table with a killer view overlooking the water. Three hours of conversation flew by and all expectations were exceeded. We said goodbye in the parking lot, both saying we’d have to do it again once I finished up with my finals and got back from conference in Oregon. I meant it. I thought he did too.

I drove home with a smile. Thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

But then the girl in me started to analyze.

#1 We split the bill. Call me old-fashion, but I like it when the guy pays, especially when on a first date (I mean it was a date, right?). Even when dating someone, I’m much more a fan of – you pay this time, I’ll pay next time – it makes it feel more, I don’t know, special? This is a tough one to call – did he want to give off the vibe that he wasn’t feeling it? Is he cheap? Did he not want to offend me in case I was a feminist or something?

#2 The goodbye wasn't totally natural. I don’t know what I would have wanted – a kiss would have been overkill and I don’t do hugs (but he doesn’t know that). He did however put his hand on my shoulder when making a point about something moments before we parted ways. Hmmm… good right?

#3 He hasn’t emailed today to say he had a good time. I think I said I’d get in touch with him when I am back in town, but that doesn’t mean he can’t initiate contact before that, right? I feel like I have been bombarded with the idea that if a guy really likes you or wants to see you again, he is going to make a point to let you know. That the 3 day rule is so passé. In the past I’d have no problem sending him an email saying that I had fun and was looking forward to seeing him again, but after being completely unaware of how my last boyfriend truly felt about our relationship, I’m really going to need some positive, blatant reinforcement in the next relationship.

#4 He said in his post that he “would be thrilled if there was a spark,” but was also content to just make friends outside of his current circle. I said I wasn’t looking too hard for a new relationship, but wasn’t not looking either. How do I know if he thinks there is potential for the spark, or if he has already ruled it out?

#5 He might be too “water” and I might be too “mountains.” I’m getting way ahead of myself here (unconscious sabotage anyone?) but his job requires him to be near the ocean. My personal requirement for a future job is easy access to the mountains. He loves to surf like I love to ski. But maybe I should wait for Date #2 to worry about this one, huh?

So what do you guys think? I’m hesitant to talk about this with any of my (non-internet based) friends because then it becomes a little more real. I’ve been holding on to my past relationship as a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt again, and while I know I need to move on – I’m scared. Scared, but hopeful.

I just need to chill, right?

Oh – and the potential new BFF? No word from her (and her post is gone). It was like a 50 word email. Did I really come off that uncool in so few words?

Tomorrow is no different than today.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have 16 things on my to-do list (granted some of those “things” include a 20-page paper). Life being so busy has its pluses and minuses, and in general I can’t complain (too much).

Plus, I have trips to Portland, the UP, Boston, and Norway to look forward to. And I plan to climb my first real mountain this summer. Maybe even two!

But what I really want to talk about today is how people bug the hell out of me on Valentine’s Day. As a single gal, you probably think I am talking about all those lovey-dovey couple, but no… I’m talking about all you other single people out there who moan and groan about being lonely on Valentine’s Day, and how it sucks that the holiday is only focused on those who are part of a couple, and blah blah blah, blah blah.

Well, guess what?? You only feel like crap on this day because you get yourself get all worked up about it and you let yourself feel like crap. I am not going to feel any different tomorrow than I did last year when I had a boyfriend, or any different than I feel today. Sure I want someone to love me, don’t we all, but I am not fixated* on it. I think if I were, I’d be an even bigger Debbie downer than I currently am. And who wants to love a Debbie downer anyway?

So if you are single tomorrow and down about it – do yourself a favor and remember that it is no different than any other day. If you want to feel some love, give your mom a call because she loves you unconditionally. Or, if you are in Seattle, come to a kick ass party with me tomorrow night. Singles and couples welcome.

* Maybe fixated on a certain situation – I won’t deny that, although I recovered from my little break down a few weeks ago.

When is Enough is Enough?

The funk doesn't lift. I can't even tell if I am trying or not. It may be that I really don't even have the time to try. Too much school, too many obligations to keep myself from feeling lonely. In those moments of happiness I have from time to time, is it real happiness? Not really.

There is a counseling center at school. It is free (or I think it is). KC went last year. She speaks highly of it, but I don't know if I am ready to admit to myself that I could use some help.

Excerpts from my latest email to KC:

I don't know why Boston is upsetting me so much again. I think I just miss him because I am lonely. The whole situation exhausts me. I was on constant alert looking for him at Alpental (my ski hill) both days. And then worried that he might be at this ultimate fighting thing that Shell invited me to (because that girl he is/was dating was invited). And then Steve (roommate) went snowboarding yesterday at Crystal and I sit there wondering, did he go with Boston. Is he having to feel stuck in the middle of the whole situation because that sucks for Boston to do that to him. I also hesitate emailing Steph about skiing because of Boston/Skanky Girl - never do. He is totally on my mind, can't concentrate sort of stuff. I want to call/email him but I won't. I did break down and check his facebook - Skanky Girl wrote on his wall - ugh! (I don't think I ever told this story - but they are friends. He actually straight up lied to me about hanging out with her. Same as last boyfriend. What the hell is it with her and my exboyfriends? She came up to me all drunked at a bar in December and had the nerve to act all buddy-buddy to my face.)

So this is a funny story related to all that - I go to call E___ and instead of going straight to "e" I scroll down, including through the "d"s. And omg there is Boston's number!?!?! I had gotten a new phone last week or the week before and I had to save my number to the card from the old phone to put on the new phone. and I guess it really doesn't delete the numbers?!? Because there it f-ing was! Cute, young boy at school told me it was a sign that I should call him. I wanted to listen to him and call, but I deleted it (although I guess nothing is truly deleted).

Anyway, I don't know how it all happened, but I am not over Boston. I don't know what happened or why. Because I think I was before. but now I want him to get his shit figured out and it all to be better between us. I want him to call or email, or do something. I want to call or email him. I want to see him - mostly so I can get over this fear of running into him, but also because I want to see him. I want him to know that I miss him, because he might miss me too but be afraid to say anything. Or if he doesn't then at least I would know that instead of just wondering. He probably does miss me but not in the same way I miss him. I hate him and I love him and I just don't know what to do.

Okay, that was just a big vomit of emotions. deep down I am going to be okay, I just hate feeling on edge with him around but not around. And I hate that I feel like this when I have a pretty good life and I shouldn't complain. Ugh...

miss you, but not in a make you feel guilty for not being here sort of way.

- k

This shit got old a long time ago...

Thanksgiving "Break" Recap

The problem with school right now is that I really don't get any breaks. No four-day weekend. No 3 weeks of Christmas break. I have to teach a class in - oh, 4 measley weeks, and while I have an outline of topics to be covered, a few key assignments prepared, and the beginnings of several lectures - I am starting to FREAK OUT about it all.

But, the past few days weren't a complete loss.

The sexual tension between this new boy and me kept building. Numerous text messages and emails. Stopping by each others offices. Dinner and drinks (with a group). I can't quite remember who initiated it (I think he kind of led me to doing the actual asking), but Wednesday night consisted of him on my couch, Getting Over Sarah Marshall, and a 6-pack. My roommate watched the movie with us (and furtively asked when he was in the bathroom if this was a "date") but retreated to her room once the credits started rolling. We got a bit cozier (read: closer) on the couch and bantered away. There was no way I was making the first move - you need to come to me boy! - and he certainly took his time - nervous? Anyway, a make-out session on the couch commenced. It was very middle school and very enjoyable.

Since then there have been more text messages and emails. Absolutely no awkwardness when we saw each other for the first time after the makeout sessions. Two phone conversations in one night. Dinner (which he paid for) and more drinks. Lounging on my bed. Popping into my office hours 3 times in 2 hours (and no, he isn't in my class!).

It is, well, nice.

Over the past four days I also:
Ate turkey at Lan's, pie at Kacy's, and ran (Thursday)
Spent the entire day at school, then had the best stress-relieving run in the dark (Friday)
Tried on a bridesmaid dress and went for a short hike, followed by more schoolwork and dinner/drinks (Saturday)
Spent another day at school and then crafted away at craft night (Sunday).

So yeah, I'd say spending time with a boy was the most interesting part of the whole weekend.

Shameless Flirting

When I go over my allotment of text messages this month it is going to be all his fault.

It all started when he asked me to "make out" on halloween. I declined. It was nothing personal I said. I just don't think boys are worth my time nowadays (code for: I am scared shitless just thinking about getting into another relationship), and well... he was born in 1985. I, on the other hand, am turning 30 in 2 mere months.

But then the age thing morphed into a positive. I mean, he is too young for it to be anything serious, right? I'm lonely. He is cute. And polite. And smart. And snowboards (not as cool as skiing, but it will do). And I actually feel comfortable around him, well except when he started to inch towards me as we were walking down the hallway today. But what did I think he was going to do, plant a big smacker on me right there or something?

I'm not quite sure how (or if) we are going to shift from this shameless text flirting to something more. Could we even have a relationship that isn't serious, doesn't include sex, is relatively secret (I'm not down with everyone in my grad program knowing my business), and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside?

Oh and did I mention that if we crash and burn, we'll still have to see each other every day in the hall for the next 4 years?!?!

I should just walk away right now. But I probably won't. Feel free to tell me "told you so" next month.

Why We Have Friends

To say things which make you feel better, such as:

"They just met you and wanted to make out with you, they got to know her and still don't want to."

What am I going to do when KC heads to Denmark next month!?!?

Ahhh, the drama continues... T-minus 8 days until Boston returns to Seattle.

What a Welcome Back

I arrived home late Thursday night after an exhausting 21 hours of travel. I'm a little bit tanner, a little bit poorer, and on all accounts had an interesting experience in Cyprus. I'm sorting through the pictures (as expected there are many, like 400+) and reliving the experience in my mind before I share with others. Soon though, I promise.

My welcome home wasn't so pleasant. Another slap in the face is certainly not what I was expecting to come home to. I've thought it couldn't get any worse numerous times, yet it continues to.

Another lie, this one exposed by facebook. Yeah, I'm still his "friend". But even if I hadn't seen it myself, KC saw it and was so enraged that she would have told me. What are the chances that my two ex-boyfriends (who have never met) would lie about spending time with the same person? Seriously, is this for real?

I don't think of myself as an angry person. Emotional? Yes. But angry, not so much. Yet I cannot even describe the level of anger I felt when I saw Boston tagged in her photo of a climb that he was supposedly doing by himself. A climb that we talked about doing together in the past but now he needed some time by himself and didn't want me to come. He wanted to be alone. Had he been standing in front of me when I realized the truth, I might have hit him (and I am certainly not a violent person). He got lucky, I waited an hour before sending him an email. Then of course I realized that he has 1/2 days on Fridays (and I am not sure where he is living, let alone if he has internet at home), therefore probably won't receive it until Monday morning.

I held it together for a while. Jet-lag gave me an excuse to crawl into bed early on Friday. On Saturday, KC and I met for a long lunch where we recovered from the withdrawal associated with 2 weeks apart (honestly, I can't even explain how much better I felt after spending a few hours with her). Last night I "Do Did the Puyallup" with Lan and her hubby. It was my first time to Fair since becoming a Seattlite 7 years ago, and while I now say Puyallup correctly, I don't think I'll need to head back there anytime soon. Although the elephant ears certainly didn't disappoint!

But this morning I lost it. I woke up crying, I don't know if I was dreaming about the situation or what, but before I knew it, the tears rolling down my cheeks became full out sobs. I struggled to catch my breath and reached for the phone. Despite often feeling hesitant to discuss with her about my situation with Boston in the past, I knew Laura was the person I needed right then.

Two hours later, I felt better. Not all better, but better. Laura actually knew he had gone with her. Which of course puts Laura in an awful position yet again, and makes me resent her slightly from keeping something like this from me (I do understand her dilemma, not knowing if she should tell me or not, but this isn't the first time it has happened and it always makes me wonder what else she knows that I don't). Not trying to defend or make excuses for him, Laura vaguely explained how the whole thing happened and that Boston knew it was inappropriate. TOf course that doesn't make it all better, although now I know some of what I said in my email will really hit home.

One last phone call to him is in order. (Laura even agrees - how often does your best friend agree it is okay to call your ex?!?!) There are things to be said. He just doesn't get it - life, relationships (romantic or not), honesty, responsibility. I don't think he actually realizes what he did wrong. That when he realized that he didn't see a future with me in February, yet kept dating me until May (and would have continued to date me if I hadn't initiated the conversation about our future), I went from being his girlfriend, to being the friend he was sleeping with (only I didn't know it). And then he continued to lie, often telling me what he thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth, leading me to the point where I have to doubt everything he ever said to me - when you whispered "Goodnight Sweetie" before kissing me on the forehead every night, what did you really mean...

I want to tell him that he should stay in Boston, that he isn't wanted in Seattle (in some small (sick) way, I know that I actually do have some influence on his final decision). I want to tell him that if he does move, that my friends are mine and he needs to leave them alone.

I don't want to get back together with him. I am not secretly hoping that he can apologize and make it up to me, before we live happily ever after. He is messed up. He has problems that I can't fix. That I don't want to fix. But that doesn't mean that I have any easier of a time getting out of bed and putting a smile on my face.

Today, there isn't a cloud in the sky - one of those last perfect days before the rain sets in for months and months. I feel guilty for not being outside (although my knee STILL hurts and not being able to run or bike or hike is KILLING me!), and instead I want to stay holed up in my bed. There are groceries to buy (although the thought of food makes me want to vomit), resumes to update (I am applying for a part-time teaching gig), bedrooms to clean (well just one), but I don't want to do any of it.

Laura told me it is okay to stay in bed all day. In fact, she kinda wants to do it too (the transition to Boston hasn't been that easy for her so far). So if Laura tells me it is okay, maybe I'll listen to her. She is my best friend for a reason.

A Not So Perfect Rebound

So, BMG and I have spent loads of time together over the past week or so. We've texted. We've talked. We've had dinner. We've had drinks. Or I should say I had drinks and he was entertained by me. And we've flirted. Subtlely.

I wish he wasn't my friend. I wish I didn't value our friendship. Because otherwise, I'd jump that man in a second!

He is so cute. And so fun. And such a good cuddler. I know from experience. Plus I trust him - something that doesn't happen all too often nowadays.

I just want someone to make me feel good. And to make me feel wanted. He could do it. But we'd be certain to mess up our friendship.

I never understood it before, but I get the rebound now. It makes you feel better. Too bad BMG is a not so perfect rebound. Cuz he is almost perfect.

All Sorts of Confused

My thesis defense couldn’t have gone better. Short of printing out the actual thesis and standing in line to hand it in, I’ve finished my masters degree. I’m headed on a Mediterrean vacation in less than 2 weeks. I should feel like I’m on top of the world.

But I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach.

I might have cried about it a bit everyday over the past week, but I finally have the time to really let it sink in. Boston is returning to Boston in a few days. We haven’t spoken since July 17th, only exchanging emotional emails on the 31st. He can’t possibly leave without saying goodbye, right?

Laura made it to Boston today. She is no longer just on vacation. She has really moved. I miss her. A lot. Max is back in Seattle for a few days. He is staying with Boston tonight, meaning I probably won’t end up seeing him. It is hard to know that my friends are still friends with the man who broke my heart – the one who has made me terrified about the thought of trusting anyone ever again.

I feel a bit lost. Like I spent so much time with Laura, Max, and Boston over the past year, that I don't have a life now that they are all gone. Other friendships have been strained, and I'm not quite sure how to go about mending them. Or if I want to.

As all of the “I defended my thesis today!” celebration wound down last night, I found myself alone at the bar with BMG. We’ve spent more time together this past week than in the past few months. Halloween came up. My past crush on him came up. His roommate came up.

The comment that stuck with me: “Numerous friends of mine have told me that I’m crazy for not dating you…”

I tossed and turned all last night. BMG was in my dream last night. We kissed (in the dream I mean). I woke up confused.

I am confused. And really, I feel too old for all this. Shouldn’t I have life all figured out by now?

And That is How You Know You're Old

Friday night I found myself somewhere I hadn't been in a while, in a bar that was packed with those looking to see and be seen. Girls were showing a lot of skin. Guys spent longer getting ready for their night out than I had. As you walked past people, they automatically looked you up and down. It took FOR.EVER to get a drink at the bar.

While a place like this has never been my favorite, a few years ago I could tolerate it - maybe even suggest it on a rare occasion. But it had the makings for fun night as I was with a friend whose company I enjoy and a few acquaintences (and a few of their acquaintences) who were content with enjoying each other's company without trolling for members of the opposite sex.

Or so I thought.

It started with an "innocent" question by one of the acquaintences of an acquaintence (I don't even remember his name, obviously he made quite an impression during the introductions...). "Do you have a boyfriend?" I should have thought quicker. I should have lied. But I told the truth, I said no. He made some awkward small talk and asked me to save a dance for him. Now keep in mind this isn't a dance club. There was a small contingent of dancers up near the stage and pop music was being played in between sets of an irish band, but dancing was not the main attraction. Personally, I wasn't there to dance.

The night progresses and people get more drunk, except me because I am driving. I don't see Boy Whose Name I Don't Remember for awhile, and then all of a sudden he is next to me, with his arm around my shoulder. I should mention that I am NOT a hugger. I like my personal space. I'll give you a hug if something really great happens to you, or really awful. And the hug will be genuine, but otherwise, there is no need to wrap your arms around me! I shake free from his grasp as he full on starts to hit on me. He is laying it on thick and I am obviously not interested. Not interested to the point where he calls me out on it, and starts to making comments in an attempt to make me feel guilty about my lack of interest. I mumble something about still getting over someone (true) and walk away. As we are ushered out of the bar after last call, he is still pestering me about hanging out sometime in the future.

Seriously. Just because I am SINGLE and in a *gasp* BAR, doesn't mean I am down with being hit on incessantly, and then, on top of that, being made to feel guilty about not reciprocating the "feelings." HELLO?!?!

I wasn't being a bitch to him solely because I was not interested. It really wasn't all that personal, or it wasn't until he took it too far. In fact, there was another guy, who if I had to guess, was a bit interested in me as well. Again, I'm not interested (kinda still wrapped up in that whole Boston thing, even if he won't talk to me), but this guy had an actual conversation with me. He knows my name, my thesis topic, what I like to do in my free time. And actually, that is why he might sorta have a thing for me (although he may not, what do I know) - because he likes to do the things I like to do. Because he asked me intelligent questions and I responded intelligently. Because I was acting like myself due to him making me feel comfortable.

And that was flattering. Even if I am not interested.

Boy Whose Name I Don't Remember should take a lesson from this guy if he wants to find himself a lady.

Needless to say, you won't be finding me at one of those bars again anytime soon.

(And just how do you know you are old? When you wake up in the morning after just two beers and feel like you have a hangover because you stayed out too late! True story.)

This Week

I knew this week was coming.
I’ve tried to pretend it wasn’t.
It is Laura’s last week in Seattle.

I cried to KC this morning.
I cried in front of my officemates this afternoon.
I want to go home, get in bed, and cry some more.

But I have so much to do.
Deadlines at school.
And more deadlines at school.
Unpacking from my weekend trip.
Cleaning and prepping for the going away party on Friday.
Spending my last few evenings with her.
I can’t focus on anything.

I’m no longer talking to Boston.
I told him I didn’t want to see or speak to him again.
I was lying
I want him to make me feel better.
Because I know he can.
He knows just what to say.

I want Laura to stay in Seattle.
I want Boston to say he is sorry.
I want things to go back to how they were when I was happy.

High Expectations

I'm having a hard time trusting people right now. There are only two people that I trust enough to truly open up about the chaos going on inside of me. One is Gris (my best-est grad school friend), who has been a lifesaver time and time again over the past few weeks. And the other is Boston. Which is really f'ed up considering that at the same time I trust him enough to open up, I have a hard time trusting that he won't hurt me.

Everyone else I've just sort of shied away from. I've even shied away from writing about it all in my blog. When people ask how things are going I say fine and start talking about the plane ticket I booked to Cyprus this week (yay!), how my thesis is *this* close to being finished, or upcoming camping trips. I deflect questions about Max and Laura leaving, and especially about my "relationship" with Boston. I can't trust myself enough not to cry when talking about these things. I don't want others to see just how bad things are. I just want to be happy, and if I can't have that, well then I'll fake it.

But things were going well will Boston. Until yesterday.

He did something that upset me. Something he knew would upset me.

He thinks I expect too much from him. That I expect him to bat a thousand and there is no room for error. That I am only looking at what he did "wrong" and failing to remember all that he did "right."

He is right.

But I've realized that he expects too much from me too. He expects me to be tougher, to handle all this change with a bit more strength. He doesn't understand, or won't let himself understand why I am this upset.

We both expect so much out of each other, I think because we both know what the other is capable of. I know he is a thoughtful, smart man. He knows I am a strong, independent woman. He isn't being thoughtful. I'm not being strong. We are both frustrated about the other not being all they can be. And we are both too stubborn cut the other some slack.

After a 90 minute phone call, we came to no conclusions. I don't know what we do next. I don't know what I do next.

A Perfectly Timed Email and a Bit of Honesty

I can’t explain this whole attempt to become friends. Not to myself and certainly not to those around me. The best I can say is that I need to walk away with something that will help me validate our relationship and the fact that I put my heart out there when deep down I knew it was likely to get broken.

It is hard though, this friendship thing. I still want to be with him, still love him I guess, yet I have to hold back all those feelings and emotions. I feel like I need him, but can’t let myself depend on him the way I used to. I’m obviously not making any moves to “get over” him at this current point in time. I’m just not ready to release my grip from all the memories. I figure I’ll just wait until he gets in his car and drives away for good, and then work on it. In some ways I think I’m still in a bit of denial about it all – like I’ll suddenly wake up and I’ll have my amazing boyfriend back.

So as it stands, I’m definitely not 100% myself. I have my moments (like Sunday when I didn’t leave the house until 8pm – despite the gorgeously sunny day – and spent the majority of my waking hours with tears in my eyes), but overall I’m okay, I think.

But after initiating our first (and only) 2 get-togethers as friends, I felt like I needed Boston to initiate something. Anything. It didn’t need to be plans to do something. Just an email to see how it was going would be fine. As immature as it seems, I felt like I had to make sure he was willing to put some effort into this and boycotted contacting him first, knowing full well that he was leaving (tonight) for a weekend in Boston and a day after his return I was heading to the east coast myself. I guess I’ve been a bit of a pessimist these days and I had all but finalized my “this isn’t working” speech.

A mere hour after I confessed to a friend about how hopeless I felt in the whole situation, an email arrived. It was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. Boston emailed… just because. We both happened to be free last night, and I had a birthday gift with his name on it (as an aside, I was determined to find the perfect book for him – it is a hard thing to do, and based on the discussion we had about the premise of the book, I think I did well).

There was dinner and a walk (because we weren’t done talking), then the opening of the gift. Before we knew it, it was past my bedtime.

On his way out the door, I stopped him. I took a deep breath and reminded him how we promised to be honest about how we were feeling from now on. I told him how I was getting upset, waiting for him to contact me, but that the email from him that afternoon was perfect timing. It turns out he understood exactly what I meant. He knew it was his turn (not that we are playing a game or keeping score) to reach out to me. It was awkward for him to send an email about nothing, but he knew if would be much more difficult for me to continue to reach out to him without getting anything back. And he wanted me to know that he does care and he does want to spend time with me.

In the midst of all this honesty, I asked one more questions. Is he still sad sometimes? Because I am, not all the time… but sometimes… He’s sad too, not all the time… but sometimes. It doesn’t make it all better, but it is nice to know I’m not alone.

This honesty thing… I think it works. I told Boston how I felt and in return, he validated my feelings and eased my worries. There is no more wondering or assuming, at least about the issue at hand. Maybe we should have worked on this earlier.

The Scene

The Scene: Alki Beach on one of the first sunny days in weeks, with smooth pavement, a gentle grade, and not too many people, surprising given the weather.

A girl tentatively sets her rarely used longboard on the path. She looks at her companion (someone she likes to impress and someone who is often impressed by her gutsy attitude), and gives a weak smile.

She’s off, slowly at first but then gaining both speed and confidence. Her companion is jogging beside her, impressed with the way she can turn on command and still hold a conversation despite her intense concentration.

But then she hits a bump and it looks like road rash is in her future. As her companion reaches to catch her, the board flies across the path and the grass patch separating it from the road. Once the girl lands on two feet, her companion’s attention turns to that of the board which has entered the road. He races after it, not bothering to take note of the large truck barreling in his direction. Brakes squeal and he jumps back up on the curb. The truck comes to a stop before it hits him or the board.

The girl’s heart stops beating for a split second.
The companion safely recovers the board.
The driver lifts a single finger.

The girl gets back on the board and the evening continues with no further mishaps.




Ummm, yeah… I almost killed Boston this weekend. But I guess you could say I had fun doing it.

I Should Be Finishing My Thesis or My Final

But instead, why don't I tell you what is on my mind...

#1 Why the heck is it so freaking cold!?!? Hello June-uary! It is SNOWING in the mountains as we speak. I'd really like to be able to hike in said mountains this summer, but in order to do that I need to be able to see the trail, not have it be covered in snow. I'd also like to be able to wear a pair of flip-flops, with jeans and a hoodie would be fine. I'm just ready to put away the wool socks.

#2 OMG, my whole body hurts. I guess that is expected after this weekend's athletic endeavour, but honestly, Every. Single. Muscle is aching, including those I didn't know existed. I could use a massage. I wonder if I could take up a donation to pay for it?

#3 Despite the pain, I'm already figuring out what is next. I'm thinking a triathlon. Although with all this snow melt, the swim might be chillllllly!

#4 I'm a sucker for The Bachelorette. I'm not sure if it is the best show to spend 2 hours a week watching given my current state, but it was certainly more fun that finishing my take home final last night. So Jason... OMG... he looks so much like The Boy. It is a little freaky. It is all about the smile and the profile. And the muscles combined with a lack of the tall gene. And that dark hair.

#5 Speaking of The Boy... he has been on the brain recently, due dealing with this new breakup and remembering the heartache of the last. So much so that when talking to my roommate tonight, I used The Boy's name when actually referring to Boston. Whoops! We decided it was best not to analyze that. But if he were to call, I might actually answer. Not to say that I want him to call, or would be overly excited if he did... but I'd answer, that is progress.

#6 I'm going on a mini-vacation next week. Yay! Okay, so it is only to Ballard, but I think a change of scenery (that being Laura and Max's apartment while they are job-searching in Boston) will do me good.

What's on your mind?