When is Enough is Enough?

The funk doesn't lift. I can't even tell if I am trying or not. It may be that I really don't even have the time to try. Too much school, too many obligations to keep myself from feeling lonely. In those moments of happiness I have from time to time, is it real happiness? Not really.

There is a counseling center at school. It is free (or I think it is). KC went last year. She speaks highly of it, but I don't know if I am ready to admit to myself that I could use some help.

Excerpts from my latest email to KC:

I don't know why Boston is upsetting me so much again. I think I just miss him because I am lonely. The whole situation exhausts me. I was on constant alert looking for him at Alpental (my ski hill) both days. And then worried that he might be at this ultimate fighting thing that Shell invited me to (because that girl he is/was dating was invited). And then Steve (roommate) went snowboarding yesterday at Crystal and I sit there wondering, did he go with Boston. Is he having to feel stuck in the middle of the whole situation because that sucks for Boston to do that to him. I also hesitate emailing Steph about skiing because of Boston/Skanky Girl - never do. He is totally on my mind, can't concentrate sort of stuff. I want to call/email him but I won't. I did break down and check his facebook - Skanky Girl wrote on his wall - ugh! (I don't think I ever told this story - but they are friends. He actually straight up lied to me about hanging out with her. Same as last boyfriend. What the hell is it with her and my exboyfriends? She came up to me all drunked at a bar in December and had the nerve to act all buddy-buddy to my face.)

So this is a funny story related to all that - I go to call E___ and instead of going straight to "e" I scroll down, including through the "d"s. And omg there is Boston's number!?!?! I had gotten a new phone last week or the week before and I had to save my number to the card from the old phone to put on the new phone. and I guess it really doesn't delete the numbers?!? Because there it f-ing was! Cute, young boy at school told me it was a sign that I should call him. I wanted to listen to him and call, but I deleted it (although I guess nothing is truly deleted).

Anyway, I don't know how it all happened, but I am not over Boston. I don't know what happened or why. Because I think I was before. but now I want him to get his shit figured out and it all to be better between us. I want him to call or email, or do something. I want to call or email him. I want to see him - mostly so I can get over this fear of running into him, but also because I want to see him. I want him to know that I miss him, because he might miss me too but be afraid to say anything. Or if he doesn't then at least I would know that instead of just wondering. He probably does miss me but not in the same way I miss him. I hate him and I love him and I just don't know what to do.

Okay, that was just a big vomit of emotions. deep down I am going to be okay, I just hate feeling on edge with him around but not around. And I hate that I feel like this when I have a pretty good life and I shouldn't complain. Ugh...

miss you, but not in a make you feel guilty for not being here sort of way.

- k

This shit got old a long time ago...