Sometimes it Sneaks Up on You

It funny, how you haven't thought much about someone in months, and then all of a sudden, WHAM. It is all everyone can talk about it.

Okay, I am being dramatic here.

But on Sunday I showed up at a BBQ with Max and Laura (who were in town from Boston). There were a lot of people there that I haven't seen for ages. In the midst of the hellos, I heard from behind the grill - "hey, we are missing the tall one..." referring to, yup, none other than Boston. It wasn't loud enough for everyone to hear and the host quickly explained that we were no long together (yeah, I said it was people I hadn't seen in ages). But it was enough.

It is weird to think that we could have still be together, and it would have been normal (maybe almost expected) to those around us. Boston himself said we had never reached our peak, that we could have had fun together for 2 or 3 more years. Just not for forever.

As M&L dropped me off after the BBQ, I asked what they were doing for the rest of the night. They were having dinner with him. Go figure. It took me off guard. I'm glad they were honest. I didn't know what to say. Except to tell them that when/if he asked how I was, that they weren't to tell him anything about me. They were pretty surprised by my strong reaction, but he made a choice to not be a part of my life, and to me, that means all the way. I don't want him to know about my life, and in return, I want to know nothing of his.

And then, to top it all off, I'm talking to a high school bestie who (innocently) just happens to ask when I've heard from Boston last. Perfect timing.

I'm hoping Max and Laura drop it and don't bring it up again. Just like I hope that Laura drops the whole JP-situation (I've been completely honest with her about how I feel so she shouldn't continue to try to make it something that it isn't). Because if they drop it, this whole thing is just a little blip on the radar. It is a reminder that I still have some scars. And I'm still holding on to a bit of the past. But that I'm moving past all this and the little blips might sneak up on me, but don't bother me for too long.

Home is a Letdown

It seems like I have been gone for so long. Yet the time away flew by.

Norway blew my mind. I would like to find a cute Norwegien man to sweep my off my feet and live happily ever after (in Norway) with. And of course I actually have a specific guy in mind - tall, blond and athletic. What's not to love?!?!

Unfortunetly, the vacation high can't last forever. Laundry, grocery shopping, school... ugh!

Pictures and stories to come.

Tri-in'

It has been almost a year to the day since my last race. That was an emotional one. I had worked so hard, only to be derailed by what was the start of an agonizing breakup (with ties to running) just a few weeks before. But I ran, ran hard, and had an amazing race.

I’ve been saying I’m going to do a triathlon for ages. But the timing never seemed right. Or I was scared. The latter is more likely. I’m a runner. I was a swimmer in a past life. And I ride my bike to school every (sunny) day. But all 3, together? Ummm.

Well, 2009 is going to be the year of the tri. I’m signed up for my first one at the beginning of August. It is just 8 or so weeks away. I’ll be out of town for over 3 of those weeks. Sweet timing.

But whatever, I’ll get it done.

This week I’ve already swam a half-mile. Biked 17 miles. And ran 3. Now it is just about putting it all together. And just in the first week of training, it is evident how much I thrive off of working towards a goal. I feel like I have a purpose again.

I learned a lesson last night on my bike ride home after happy hour(s), I’m a faster biker after some brew. There have been several bike trips to the bar recently so I can affirm that this is not an isolated occurrence.

Do you think it would be okay if I pounded a tall boy in the middle of the race?

Too Much of a Good Thing

After spending 70+ hours a week at school from October through March, I've been living the life these past 2 months. I come in at 8 and leave at 4. I've been known to take long lunches in the sun. I don't set foot on campus over the weekend.

(unless it is to go canoeing!)

I've been keeping busy with tennis, rock climbing, biking and running. New CL friends and old standby friends. With the Bachelorette, BBQs and hiking. I leave the office at 4, but still don't get home until after 8. The sun doesn't set until 9pm these days. We've gone 12 days without a drop of rain. There is potential for perfection in these days.


There is nothing I have to do, but I can't just relax. If I am not doing something, I'm wasting away the potential perfection. But it seems like such an effort to keep myself busy, nothing comes easy.

I convinced 2 sets of friends that they should have me over to BBQ this weekend. There is nothing better than hamburgers on the grill 2 nights in a row! I went hiking with the Teacher and the Cheesehead on Saturday. I ran for over an hour on Sunday morning.


And then I was stuck. I wanted to bike to Woodinville but my bike has been acting up and I was afraid of an episode when I was 20 miles from home. I wanted to go to the beach and read my book in the sun, but the high clouds meant there wasn't much sun. I wanted to go for a hike, but don't trust my solo navigation skills on the snow. I didn't mind being alone for the first time all weekend, but didn't know what to do with myself. I would have enjoyed some company, but was hoping for someone else to initiate - to make me feel loved.


I spent a couple of hours on the phone (yes, hours!) talking with my girls in Copenhagen and Boston. I did minimal damage strolling the aisles of Target. I read in the backyard, despite the lack of sun. I made a big dinner (tacos!) and went to bed early. It felt like a day wasted with a lot of nothingness.

I'm not complaining about having nothing to do. I don't want to spend my weekends in the office. But too much free time makes me antsy.


PS - I really ought to be careful what I wish for as crunch time hits for the 2 papers and poster presentation that I have been putting off forever!


PPS - I'm going to be in Europe in 1 month!

Girl Date #2 The Teacher

**The backstory**


After being disappointed by Girl Date #1, I tried to remain hopeful for the second date, planned later that day. I met The Teacher at a microbrewery close to my house. We had a beer and shared some appetizers, and talked for 2 hours straight.

It was great – we jumped from one topic to the next with hardly a moment of silence. We talked jobs, boys, college days, and what we were looking for in friends. She is outgoing, active (although more gym active than climb mountains active), already has a circle of friends but just looking to expand it, and smart. I can’t guarantee that we will become the best of friends, but I can certainly see myself enjoying time spent with her in the future.

The verdict... successful Girl Date!

Intertwined

I spent a weekend in Vancouver with 3 great girls - engineers, PhD students, runners, outdoorsy chicks - what more can I ask for in terms of potential new friends!?!?
















But they know Boston... and hang out with him (and maybe run with him) occasionally. Not neccessarily friends, but acquaintences.

I hate that this city is so small and I hate that my world is intertwined with his.

I haven't had crazy thoughts about him in months - and after one casual conversation where he happened to come up briefly - I'm back there again.

I want to be friends with these girls for so many reasons, but can I handle it?


(Girl Date #2 Recap soon!)

Girl Date #1 The Adventurous One

**The backstory**

The Adventurous One and I had been emailing pretty regularly before we met. She is a bit younger (25) but seemed to be really active - and works a large outdoor co-op that you’ve probably heard of (cool perks!). We became facebook “friends” right away, which is actually pretty nice because it lets you get more of a feel for a person pretty easily (especially if they are rather active on facebook). Anyway – we had plenty to email about and seemed to get along well electronically.

Our “date” was scheduled for Sunday and included a trip to the aquarium and then food/drinks on the waterfront. Parking downtown is never easy so I sent her a text saying I was here, just looking for a parking spot. No response, hmmm… Once I made it to the aquarium I sent another text… I’m sitting on the bench out front. 15 minutes later I went for a walk down the waterfront. Then up to the market. We did change the meeting time last minute. Maybe she forgot? I gave her the benefit of the doubt meandered back to the aquarium at the first meeting time. Still no short, peppy, blonde girl in sight… WTF?!?!

I went home kind of, sort of pissed. What if we were supposed to meet on Saturday and I turned down a sailing trip (did I mention I went sailing on Saturday - So!Much!Fun!) for a no-show? I guess I should expect flakes on craigslist, but I she seemed super enthusiastic. And come on, we were FB “friends”!!

The Adventurous One remained MIA all Sunday, but early Monday morning I had an email from her. Her car was broken into overnight and her backpack (containing her phone and laptop) was stolen. After dealing with the cops, it was too late to catch me. I’m trying not to be totally naïve, but I believe her. What do you think?

(Despite asking for your opinion here, we do actually have tentative plans for the weekend if my trip to Vancouver falls through. Speaking of it - this damn trip to Vancouver is ridiculously annoying,)

Waiting Game

Patience is not my strong suit. And, like many females, I over analyze.

Case in point:

I applied for a fellowship. There are numerous funding levels, with the grand prize being 3 years of tuition and a stipend (aka – paycheck). If I got this fellowship, I would get paid to do my dissertation research. If I don’t, I’ll still get paid, but just have to do additional research on top of my dissertation research. It won’t be the end of the world, but it sure would be nice to not have to split my energies.

5 people in my program applied for fellowship. 2 heard back last week. They are both masters students and got small awards. 3 have not, the 3 PhD students.

It is sufficient to say I am freaking out. Yes or no, either way, I just want to know.

I've thought of every reason why I haven't heard yet. The good and the bad.

My advisor suggested I call and ask when I'd be hearing.

But today I decided to just let it go. I'm leaving it up to the powers that be and whatever happens will happen eventually. And amazingly, I feel completely relaxed about the whole thing now!

I'm still checking my advisor's mailbox several times a day while she is out of town though!

A Few Inches Taller and Pounds Lighter, alternatively titled: Unanswered Emails

Figuratively, that is. The weight has been lifted. 6 months of stress (or really a whole year) have come to an end. I finished up teaching and I finished up my qualifying exam. Now I am working on a couple of research projects and auditing a class. I am going to go home at 5pm today, and every day this week. The 60 to 70 hour work weeks are over. The past week has been a time of decompression. It has been an adjustment, but I can slowly feel the stress lifting off my body and my mind. I have things to look forward to, namely the return of nice weather, but I still worry some.

Spending most of my waking hours in my windowless office helped take my mind off (parts of) the mess with Boston, Laura and Max’s move to Boston, and KC’s 6+ month trip to Europe – collectively known as the mass exodus of my closest friends. I missed them all less because I really didn’t have time to miss them, or much spare time at all. But now what? I’ll be home early every night this week and while I have 3 old US Weekly’s and the 4th Twilight book sitting on the nightstand, plus a major “Clean Out and Cozy Up” (more soon on this!) project all waiting for me at home - I don’t have plans for dinner, or drinks, or to watch a movie, or even to go for a run…

I sent some emails over the past week. Emails that went unanswered, not intentionally (I hope) but unanswered all the same. To my friend, trying to schedule dinner at that Mexican place we’ve been talking about for weeks. To the guy I went on a strangely lackluster date with last week that really didn’t warrant a response unless he decided that I was right and he was wrong. To another guy I was going to go on a date with this week, leaving me in a position where I don’t feel like I can email him again. To my roommate’s friend (my friend too?) telling her that if they really did have an extra spot, I’d love to head up to Vancouver for the race. All emails about things to look forward to, that never materialized.

It is not the end of the world. Life isn’t all woe is me these days. I mean, on Friday I effed up my taxes (realizing it 5 seconds after I hit submit on Turb0Tax) and found out my paper was rejected from publication all within 30 minutes of one another. Normally I would cry after an afternoon like that, but not a tear was shed – that is progress! It is just that I don’t have a lot of outlets for my frustration. This blog is one of the best outlets, you know?

I just emailed my CL running friend to hopefully plan a run tomorrow. And just remembered that another friend wanted to go see I Love You Man. So even if I don’t go for Mexican this week or don’t get to spend a weekend in Canada (and don’t get me started on this recent dating!), I’ll survive. But I’ll still hope for some emails in the inbox tomorrow morning.

Can You OD on OJ?

I couldn't afford to be sick over the last 3 months. And I wasn't.

Then spring break happens and... BAM!

Cough, sore throat, runny nose - here.
Running, skiing, having fun this week- gone.

Theraflu and orange juice are my new best friends. I've reconnected with my tv. I took a nice, leisurely walk to the library to pick up some books and movies.

At least I have nothing I have to do this week, even if I can think of a million places I'd rather be than in my bed.

Such is life.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It has been a long 5 months (who am I kidding, it has been a long 10 months!). But the promised land is in my sights. And freedom is almost mine.

This is the final week of the quarter. Then there is finals week (and LOTS of grading). And spring break (half spent studying, half spend relaxing). And then the qualifying exam (a whole 7 days). But then my life is mine, all mine, again. 26 days and counting!

It has been stressful. I have not been taking care of myself as well as I could have. I still miss Laura and Max more than I could have ever imagined. There are days when I still feel like my heart is in a million pieces. But I'd like to think that I am stronger because of it all.

I have much to look forward to in the next couple months. And for that I am thankful.

Things which make me happy...

Buying plane tickets. Michigan (aka state #44) here I come.

Homemade chili.

Homemade ziti (I'm a regular Martha Stewart this weekend).

Absolutely loving teaching this quarter - yay, I know what I want to be when I grow up!

Birthdays. Even if they mean you are getting older.

25 year old guys who tell you, with absolutely certainty, that there is no way in hell that you are turning 30 in a few days. I talked to a few of these guys at a party. And they made my night.

H&M. Seriously, why did it take so long for us to get one (or 3) here?!?

Haircuts and fun new bangs.

Happy

Full but Empty

From the outside, today was all that I could have asked for. I woke up early and skiied under bluebird skies for a few hours. On my return from the mountains, I hopped on my bike and rode along Lake Washington (in shorts I might add!). I came home with burning quads and lungs full of fresh air and seemingly in good spirits after doing some of the things I love most, but inside I felt empty.

I miss friends that will jump at the chance to head into the mountains, even if they went the day before. I miss friends that think nothing of a spur of the moment 20 mile bike ride. I miss friends that will invite me over for dinner just because. I miss Laura and Max. And KC. And Boston, even though I don't want to. I have some new friends. But they spend sunny Saturdays at strip malls in the suburbs. Or all day watching football. I stop by as they are cooking dinner and they don't invite me to stay. They don't quite understand me.

Today was full but empty.

But at least it was sunny.




(Yeah, I took this picture today... who says it always rains in Seattle?!?)

2009

I can't say I am sad to see 2008 go. It started out with a lot of promise, but much of it was filled with disappointment, heartache, hurt feelings, on-going injuries, goodbyes, and feelings of being lost and lonely.

I've started the slow crawl out of my cave of self-pity. I know that I am only going to be truly be happy again when I let go of some people, places and things of the past. I hold on tight because the memories are like a sort of armor. With the hurt and sadness so fresh in my mind, I am not willing to open myself up emotionally, avoiding to potential of being hurt, disappointed or sad again. But it is taking its toll and I can't be emotionally withdrawn from life forever.

So 2009 is going to be the year of letting go and opening up. Not all at once, and in baby steps mind you, but 12 months from now I want to look back over the year with a smile. I can pinpoint the last time I was truly happy, and I desperately want that back - not the people or the experience, but the feeling.

2009 is also going to be the year of 5 to 9 servings of fruits and veggies a day.

And of course, 2009 is my 30th year... 25 days and counting, EEK!

Why We Have Friends

To say things which make you feel better, such as:

"They just met you and wanted to make out with you, they got to know her and still don't want to."

What am I going to do when KC heads to Denmark next month!?!?

Ahhh, the drama continues... T-minus 8 days until Boston returns to Seattle.

Wanted: Time to Breathe

I haven’t really blogged in awhile, because honestly, there isn’t much blog-worthy material in my life right now. A typical day looks like this:

7:15 am – Alarm rings
7:33 am – Stumble out of bed
8:00 am – Head out the door
8:30 am – Arrive at school
7:00 pm – Go for run (admittedly not every day, although I have been working out 4/5 times a week. And the days I don't work out, well, I just work until 8.)
8:00 pm – Wait for bus
8:45 pm – Arrive home, “cook” dinner
9:15 pm – Shower
9:45 pm – Hop in bed, read a few chapters, and pass out

Exciting, eh? Doesn’t leave much time for fun…

Funny to think I back in late September I was bemoaning the fact that I had nothing to do. I was utterly bored and had no idea what to do with myself. But throw in 2 classes that I am taking, 1 that I am TA-ing (55 students means A LOT of time spent grading homework), old research, new research, and the ability to actually work out again (my knee is getting better, although I am still not 100%) – and I have no time for anything else.

On the bright side, that means no time to *think*. Things cross my mind, I get upset momentarily, and then something more pressing comes my way and the bad thoughts are pushed into the corners of my brain. Denial probably isn’t the ultimate answer to all my problems, but it is better than thinking about how I just wish Laura would call me, or email, or even just comment on facebook, about how Boston is moving back to Seattle in 2-1/2 weeks, about how KC is moving to Denmark in 2 months…

But despite spending seriously 2 billion hours at school a week, I do have a few tales to tell. I just need to find time to actually put the pen to the paper (or fingers to the keyboard). Maybe I should add “Write blog post” to my nifty color-coordinated “To Do” excel workbook. Have I ever mentioned how much I love excel?!?!

Tears

I'm not an overly political person. But I've voted in every election since I've turned 18 (that means 12, not just 3). I try to vote responsibly, taking the time to learn about what/who I am voting for. I vote because I can, but not because I am overly passionate about the political system.

But I cried today, when it was all said and done. I cried because our country is in the crapper - in more ways than one. And we need real change, a new voice, strong leadership; and I believe we might have found it. Once again, I'll be proud to say I am American.

And let me say, it was nice to cry for once because I am happy.

(A big shout-out to my (85-year old, Catholic) Grandma and her "lady-friends" in Pennsylvania!)

I could...

I could tell you about the intermural swim meet last week. But we sucked. Seriously. I didn't know I could swim that slow.

I could tell you about my hike this weekend. But you'd just hear about how it was SO crowded. I don't like hiking in crowds.

I could tell you about how I am giving my first lecture in 2 days. But, eek, I'm scared and rather not talk about it too much.

I could tell you about how I am pissed that the salon gave me a bum can of B&B Hair Powder. But the story has more effect when you can actually see how greasy my hair is.

I could tell you about craft night and the shirt I "made." But it is hard to describe and the picture is on my other computer.

I could tell you about how crazy busy this quarter is. But I am trying to play a mind game and tell myself it isn't that bad.

I could tell you about how Boston emailed me. But I don't want to deal with it until he actually gets back to Seattle. 4 weeks and counting.

An Unsent Email to Laura

L-
OK so I hate feeling like a pooper all the time and complaining, but there are really only 2 people that I feel like I can really be myself with, pathetic-ness and all. I guess I wanted to bring it up on the phone the other day, but it is just awkward to start talking about it, and then I regretted not doing so because I knew I'd probably feel better if I did.

I've been doing better. I've been so busy with school and have met some new people. But now that it gets closer to Boston potentially coming back, I'm just sinking back down. I have my moments, but in general the whole situation has been out of my mind, until recently. I hate not being in control of what is happening. I hate being reminded about how I fcked up. I hate being reminded how The Boy hurt me and how everything with Boston parallels that - and I was so stupid to fall for it again. I hate it when people (including him) tell me that he does care about me because why did someone who cares about me continue to make decisions that hurt me again and again. I'm sick of people telling me that I should start dating, or that I'll want to start dating soon enough - because I don't want to, not now and it doesn't feel like ever. I was happy when I was single, and then when I did open up and let someone(s) into my life, they walked all over me, so why would I want to do it again? I hate that Seattle is such a fcking small city. I hate the fact that while I have been slowly moving in a positive direction, there is the potential out there that I am going to knocked back on my ass, again. And I can't do anything about it He seems to be awful good at kicking me again and again when I am down - to the point where I just cringe and expect it to happen again. I hate that if he told me he made a mistake, I'd take him back (not immediately or unconditionally, but I still do believe in what we had).

I want to not miss you so much. I want to not feel guilty telling you that. I want to feel like myself again. I want to not feel so needy, Or so helpless. I know in time I'll be okay, but I want to be ok now.

I hate to tell you all this because I can't imagine it is fun to read. You don't even really have to respond - just telling you takes some of the burden off me because I don't feel like I am hiding everything. I hate putting you in an awkward position because I know he is your friend. But he smashed me into what feels like a million pieces and I don't feel like I can put it all back together without help. and no one knows me better than you.

I love you. and I miss you. And I'm seriously counting down the days till I see you in June. We are going running everyday. And you're making pizza. And we are going to trivia. You better be getting excited, because I sure as hell am.

-k

(I decided it is best to re-evaluate in the morning, and decide if I really want to send this.)