2009

I can't say I am sad to see 2008 go. It started out with a lot of promise, but much of it was filled with disappointment, heartache, hurt feelings, on-going injuries, goodbyes, and feelings of being lost and lonely.

I've started the slow crawl out of my cave of self-pity. I know that I am only going to be truly be happy again when I let go of some people, places and things of the past. I hold on tight because the memories are like a sort of armor. With the hurt and sadness so fresh in my mind, I am not willing to open myself up emotionally, avoiding to potential of being hurt, disappointed or sad again. But it is taking its toll and I can't be emotionally withdrawn from life forever.

So 2009 is going to be the year of letting go and opening up. Not all at once, and in baby steps mind you, but 12 months from now I want to look back over the year with a smile. I can pinpoint the last time I was truly happy, and I desperately want that back - not the people or the experience, but the feeling.

2009 is also going to be the year of 5 to 9 servings of fruits and veggies a day.

And of course, 2009 is my 30th year... 25 days and counting, EEK!

This Week

I knew this week was coming.
I’ve tried to pretend it wasn’t.
It is Laura’s last week in Seattle.

I cried to KC this morning.
I cried in front of my officemates this afternoon.
I want to go home, get in bed, and cry some more.

But I have so much to do.
Deadlines at school.
And more deadlines at school.
Unpacking from my weekend trip.
Cleaning and prepping for the going away party on Friday.
Spending my last few evenings with her.
I can’t focus on anything.

I’m no longer talking to Boston.
I told him I didn’t want to see or speak to him again.
I was lying
I want him to make me feel better.
Because I know he can.
He knows just what to say.

I want Laura to stay in Seattle.
I want Boston to say he is sorry.
I want things to go back to how they were when I was happy.

Home Sweet Home (Alone)

For the next week and a half I have my whole house to myself. Yes, all to myself!! Steve is biking his way across the country. Lisa is sailing around southeast Alaska. Brian is trekking through Central America. Ummm, thank goodness I have my own vacay on the horizon, or I'd be jealous with a capital J (instead of the little j I've got going on now)!

Not to say my roommates (and their significant others, many who seem like roommates themselves) are not great. They are. And not to say that my rent doesn't rock. $450 for a huge bedroom and my own bathroom, in a great neighborhood. Sweet!

But sometimes (more so lately) I wish for my own place. I wish I had a fridge that wasn't filled the the brim, and often the home of food that has outlived its edible life. I wish if the house was messy, it was solely my mess, and not the mess of 4 people combined. I wish I had a living room that felt more homey. I wish I could decorate more.

Really, I wish I had $300,000 so I could by a little place of my own. The really sad part is that while owning a home is a quite longshot (meaning impossible) with my grad student lifestyle, finding a 1-bedroom apartment that I can afford (in a neighborhood I want to live in) isn't all that promising either. *sigh*

I could just stop now - finish my masters degree and find myself a job where I could make a pretty penny. But honestly, school is the only thing I am truely happy with in my life right now.

So until I win the lottery, I think I'm stuck here in the house on Phinney. I keep reminding myself, it could be worse. And maybe KC will move back to Seattle after Denmark (because honestly, I can't take another friend moving to damn Boston) and we can get a place together. K-squared, how cute!

(See, I knew I had a post in me!)

Love/Hate

Love: That I have tomorrow off.

Hate: That I will spend most of the day working anyway.

Love: Living in Seattle - I'm so happy that this summer's bad attitude is over.

Hate: That two of my best friends in Seattle are looking for jobs on the other side of the country.

Love: That my birthday is next week.

Hate: That my boyfriend will spend the day heli-skiing in Canada without me. No fair - I wanna go!

Love: Taking naps on Sunday afternoons.

Hate: Knowing you won't be able to fall asleep Sunday night because of above nap.

Love: Pizza, Sushi, Burgers, Burritos, and Beer.

Hate: The thought of stepping on the scale at the gym.


What are you loving and hating this week??

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I wrote the first two sentences of my thesis. They aren't necessarily the true first two sentences and both not make the final cut come March, BUT I have something (anything) on paper. In case you are interested:

"As global trade continues to increase and sup.ply chains lengthen, companies in all sectors of the economy are facing increased vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities exist in all links of the sup.ply chain, including the transportation network which moves goods from origin to destination."

Exciting, huh? Actually, recent news (such as a 20-mile closure of a major freeway in Washington due to flooding - see the pictures on the right, crazy!) highlight the relevancy of my research topic. (Oh btw, all is dry here... we had a bit of minor flooding in the basement, but no one, or no thing washed away.)

The Bad: I had to seriously restrain myself from sending an email to The Boy. It was going to be disguised as a "I'm just telling you I sent you your pants so you don't think I am completely ignoring you" email, when I know full well that they most likely arrived yesterday, and I just wanted to write to see if he wrote back. Thankfully the sane side of my brain is too smart for the psycho girl side of my brain, and quickly nixed that idea. Sane side did let psycho girl side draft an email to get it out of its system - which was promptly deleted. Psycho girl side is still anal about checking my email every two seconds to see if he is going to respond that he got the pants, but that is as far as it goes. Just checked. No email.

The Ugly: I cut myself some bangs last night. Don't worry, they really aren't ugly (although knowing my haircutting skills, it could have ended up that way).I've been growing them out since July but I missed them. No regrets. Yet.

I'm baaaaack!

I've actually wanted to get back into blogging for quite a while, but I've been so busy and there has been no time. Still no time, but that probably won't change so I might as well get started.

Things are better. Not great, but better. I feel good some days, but bad some others. It is amazing how fast my mood can change. It is amazing how I can let one man affect me so much. It is amazing how a confident girl can feel so insecure. But here I am, over 2 months later, about 10 pounds lighter, and *almost* better. There is still a lot of hurt and anger, and yes, I miss The Boy like crazy, but I realize (most of the time) that I am better off without him. That if he couldn't love me, it was his problem and not mine. That he didn't deserve my love. That I deserve someone, something better. Granted, I have to keep telling myself this over and over, but it is a start.

The last month has been crazy busy: trips to New England and North Dakota, camping in the snow at Rainier, a half marathon (6+ minutes faster than the last one!), back to school. Lots more coming up: Hawaii, New York twice, planning for Peru, more school. Even though I feel like I am going crazy half the time, it keeps my mind off all the negative thoughts.

But I am back, maybe a bit more jaded and less trusting, but still optimistic that life will treat me well if I take advantage that all that is placed in front of me. And what I've learned is that I have amazing friends who will always be there for me (even when they have heard me cry over the same thing day after day after day!).

A Break

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. My life is just a big mess right now and while I feel like blogging could be a good outlet for all my problems, it tends to feel like an obligation instead. Don't you worry - I'll still be reading blogs (how could I not, I'm totally intertwined into the lives of all you guys!), and my email still works... And if anyone wants to go to Hawaii in early November - I've got an extra bed (seriously, I think).

I just think that I should make a conscious decision to give it a break instead of letting my blog die a sad death. And hopefully when I get my life back in order, I'll be back.

But before I go, just a quick little update on recent events in this crazy little thing called life. I broke down earlier in the week, calling my parents in tears. They were shocked, having no idea that I had been a mess for so long. In addition to drama with The Boy, the weather has been unbelievably shitty this summer, I hate getting up every morning for my internship, and while my friends have been great - friendships are just evolving and things are changing. For the first time in 6 years, I am unhappy here in Seattle. I'm up one day and down the next and it is emotionally and physically (I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months) tolling. I hated putting my parents in the position where they feel so helpless, being 3000 miles away, but I think it was for the best. Letting them into my problems has made me feel better. Everything still sucks, but I know given some time, things will get better.

The Boy's email threw me for a whirl. On the advice of Shell (who just returned from her summer in Alaska - I'm so glad she is back!), I ended up calling him and we talked for over an hour. I then sent "one last" email which he returned yesterday morning. After many tears (the story of my life nowadays), I've determined that he just doesn't get it, and maybe he never will. It is still hard though. It hurts to love someone that doesn't love you back.

Now here is the part where you can just shake your head and chuckle... we had a party last night and an old bedroom romp showed up. It was a bit awkward at first - Bike Boy told me later he was really nervous about showing up (he claims that I told him not to call me after the last hookup - which I certainly don't remember, but I was never really upset that he never called anyway), but once his friend passed out on the steps, we had something to break the ice and fell into comfortable conversation. If anyone had told me at as late as 9pm last night that I would have kissed a boy, I would have laughed in their face. But after lots of talking and looking at pictures (during which time we completely sobered up), we ended up kissing and he spent the night. There was nothing more than kissing and cuddling, but it felt good. I felt good for the first time in months. It is all kind of confusing to me. I don't know what I want, what I need... but I was honest with him about my "situation" so I guess we will just see where it goes. He is a really nice guy and really fun to talk with - I enjoyed his company immensely last night. Ahh, what the h*ll am I doing.

At least I'm (temporarily) going out with a bang!

No Better

The Boy needed a break. That is now what we are on. I really don't know what that exactly means. I think I might have asked but now I don't remember. After a horrible hour of tears and sobs and shaking, he somehow convinced me to pull it together and he took me to lunch. Two and a half hours later I felt much better (we even figured out a plan and a backup plan for my PhD/job dilemma), but it is hard because I look at every little thing as potential for this still to work out. When he tells me he doesn't rule out "us" in the future... when he says he is thinking about looking for a job in Olympia... when he brought up Hawaii.

I'm ok though. It sucks. I am miserable. But I'm not about to go off the deep end or anything.

I will however be spending the next 4 days in Portland for a conference (not looking forward to it) and then 3 days back in NY for a long weekend to see my bestest BFFs. I'll be MIA, but not to worry (too much).

Let's Just Pretend It Never Happened

June 2007 was the suckiest month of my life.

I dreaded it's arrival and the departure of my boyfriend. I moped around when I finally got here, unmotivated to do anything but feel sorry for myself. I wasn't myself, perhaps bordering on depression, once The Boy did leave. Visiting him this weekend was the one shining moment of the month (although he is living with his parents right now which meant no alone time!).

But the true reward was this morning, when I awoke with a new, fresh attitude; happier than I'd been in longer than I can remember. I'm on a high and in no rush to come back down.

So... let's just pretend June never happened, ok?

(Eastern Washington - kinda pretty 'eh?)

Long Distance

It is has only been 3 days and I can tell you that the whole thing pretty much sucks. I have like a billion things to tell him, so many that I can never remember them all when he calls. He had a really sucky day at work and one of my special backrubs would make it all better.

But... people have done it before us and people have done it after us. I just hate the fact that we don't have a plan for the future. We don't know how long this will last. Or if we will last. Neither of us are sure what the next moves in our own personal lives will be. Some days I am optimistic, some days I am not. Some days I know what I want and others I have no idea (or more like a million ideas).

(I know I sound pretty pathetic. He will be back here in less than a week - honestly, I can make it. I'm tough. And I do actually have happy things to blog about, like my new job!, but I just need to pout for a bit and get it all out...)

Tears

I'm still living in my little world of denial about all the upcoming changes. Mainly in denial that there is currently a moving van at my boyfriend's apartment, packing up his measely belongings to send back home. He might leave this afternoon, he might leave tomorrow... I'm not sure when the tears are going to hit. Right now they are all bottled up because, as I said, I am in denial.

Vacation with the fam was great... I had a wonderful time in Utah and Arizona and did lots of hiking, including the most terrifying hike of my entire life (more to come on all of this, including pictures).

The Boy picked me up at the airport on Saturday and we spent the rest of the day together - lounging around, going out to eat, and watching cheesy movies on tv. Yesterday, after seeing each other a couple of random time during the day, we picked up some copper river salmon (so expensive but so good) and grilled it up with vegetables. We spent the evening talking. He of course couldn't show too much emotion, but some "feelings" slipped out here and there. It is hard when I've been all upset about his leaving for weeks, and he acts as if it doesn't bother him at all. Seeing a bit of sadness in him when he talks of leaving made me feel a bit better.

I just absolutely hate saying goodbye. To anyone. I hated saying it to my school friends that graduated last week. To my family at the airport as I headed back to Seattle. To my friend Shell, who is leaving tomorrow to spend the summer in Alaska (lucky duck).

To The Boy.

I know I'll be ok. I'm a lot stronger than I act with him. I let myself be more dependant on him that I need to be. And I know I'll see him in 2 weeks. But I'm still going to cry my eyes out today. I'm a girl. That is what we do.

The Last Half of the Week

The beginning of the week must have been most uneventful because I can't remember what I did.

Wednesday night I got drunk courtesy of the graduate school senate social here at school. I wasn't intending to get drunk, but there was a plethora of beer and limited grub. Bad situation when you are counting on the social to provide you with dinner. Perfect timing though as I was walking to the bus and ran into The Boy leaving class. To make up for calling me several times in the middle of the night last Saturday/Sunday, he drove me home. He pointed out that I have a bad habit of getting drunk on Wednesday nights near his house and then requiring a ride home after his class when all he really wants to do is go home to eat and watch SouthPark. But really, how am I supposed to control all those drink specials on Wednesday nights, I mean the best pizza joint has PBRs for a buck on Wednesday - can't resist that!! :)

Thursday was our 6 month anniversary. The Boy thought it was silly to celebrate, but I think the first 6 months are the toughest, and should at least be acknowledged. I went over after class and we had a phenomenal evening, doing nothing. It was one of the best nights in a long time. MK was in town and we had planned to meet up. She ended up having to do dinner with her co-workers and by the time she called at 10 I was having serious thoughts about just bagging it. But I ended up meeting her out and was super glad that I did (if you read her blog, she may post a picture or two). It was great to meet someone that I felt like I already knew. Unfortunately we were both pretty tired and headed to bed pretty early. But maybe she'll have to head out to Seattle for work again sometime soon! Or maybe something will send me to Florida.

(Oh yeah, I also had an internship interview - for which I was offered my job. Cool job, except for the fact that it is 40 miles away! I hopefully will have another interview for a job much closer to home this week.)

Friday there was a civ-e bbq after school. Being big, tough grad students, we scammed in for free and had numerous beers and burgers. The people in my program... while they will never be my best friends, are super nice and great to talk to. I'm sad that many of them (including my boyfriend**) will be leaving in just a few weeks. After the bbq, The Boy and I headed to my house and then walked to a cute little Italian restaurant near my house. We celebrated our anniversary and the scholarship I received a few months ago. I had a delish smoked salmon ravioli with a creamy pesto sauce. We are determined to make our own pesto sauce because we loved it so much. We walked home under the stars, stopping at PCC and spending a good 30 minutes walking around checking out all the yummy (and expensive!) organic foods.

So far the weekend has proven to be exciting. I even have pictures. Details to follow...

** The Boy has been officially "working" this entire school year his company (or really agency) has paid for school and still paid his salary. In return he owes them 3 years of work. There are offices all over the state, but his home office is small and does diverse work. When it comes down to it, making the decision to go back there was the smartest career-wise, even though his friends (and me) are here in Seattle. He also is paid the same regardless of where he works and the cost of living is much less back home. So that means that The Boy is moving 3 1/2 hours away in just 5 weeks. I'm obviously devastated, but trying to hold it together to enjoy the time we have left together. We plan to stay together, but of course there are no guarantees. All I can do is try to keep it together (which is hard, I had a breakdown today) and hope for the best.

I May Turn Into a Pizza

I have eaten pizza for 4 consecutive meals. I love pizza but this is getting ridicules. There are still leftovers, and I don't know if I can bring it upon myself to throw perfect good pizza away even if the thought of it makes me sick.

Something is wrong with my outer quad. I ran a 6 miler on Saturday - 6 minutes faster than last time woo-hoo! - and felt fine the entire time. After doing minimal physical activity Sunday and this morning, the pain started this afternoon, and has grown in intensity throughout the evening. Playing soccer tonight probably wasn't the smartest move. I hope this is just some temporary soreness because I've been so motivated to work out - I'd hate another set back.

Life is just absolutely crazy. Classes and research are keeping me busy. I'm trying to decide what to do with the next few years of my life: stay for a PhD with the hopes of find the specific teaching job I desire, or get a job doing God knows what. The Boy is moving in 6 weeks and I can't look past May in the calendar without having a panic attack about it. On the bright side, I do have trips to DC and Utah/Arizona to look forward to, as well as the start of hiking and camping season (if this rain will ever stop...).

Resolve

1. To get back in shape - yeah like everyone else. Soccer is starting back up and I decided the actually make use of that world class gym included with my tuition which is just steps away from my office. Today I got a "basket," aka mini-locker, to keep stuff in overnight with a lock and a clean towel each visit for FREE. How sweet a deal is that?

2. Spend more time with my friends. I feel like I have been neglecting them the past few months - and they feel like they've been neglecting friends too. So we all are going to make a much more concerted effort to do more together. This weekend I had dinner with Laura, a run with Krissy, and a good talk with Shell.

3. Procrastinate less. I leave these often big, yet simple things undone and then they weigh over my head. I'm making a to-do list and I will do something off it each day (which I will hopefully document to prove that I actually did it).

Happy New Year!

The Boy and I talked.

I don't feel like I am ready to burst into tears at any moment.

I watched fireworks and ushered in the New Year with a kiss from my honey.

I went to bed at 12:10 am.

Resolutions to come...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!