What a Welcome Back

I arrived home late Thursday night after an exhausting 21 hours of travel. I'm a little bit tanner, a little bit poorer, and on all accounts had an interesting experience in Cyprus. I'm sorting through the pictures (as expected there are many, like 400+) and reliving the experience in my mind before I share with others. Soon though, I promise.

My welcome home wasn't so pleasant. Another slap in the face is certainly not what I was expecting to come home to. I've thought it couldn't get any worse numerous times, yet it continues to.

Another lie, this one exposed by facebook. Yeah, I'm still his "friend". But even if I hadn't seen it myself, KC saw it and was so enraged that she would have told me. What are the chances that my two ex-boyfriends (who have never met) would lie about spending time with the same person? Seriously, is this for real?

I don't think of myself as an angry person. Emotional? Yes. But angry, not so much. Yet I cannot even describe the level of anger I felt when I saw Boston tagged in her photo of a climb that he was supposedly doing by himself. A climb that we talked about doing together in the past but now he needed some time by himself and didn't want me to come. He wanted to be alone. Had he been standing in front of me when I realized the truth, I might have hit him (and I am certainly not a violent person). He got lucky, I waited an hour before sending him an email. Then of course I realized that he has 1/2 days on Fridays (and I am not sure where he is living, let alone if he has internet at home), therefore probably won't receive it until Monday morning.

I held it together for a while. Jet-lag gave me an excuse to crawl into bed early on Friday. On Saturday, KC and I met for a long lunch where we recovered from the withdrawal associated with 2 weeks apart (honestly, I can't even explain how much better I felt after spending a few hours with her). Last night I "Do Did the Puyallup" with Lan and her hubby. It was my first time to Fair since becoming a Seattlite 7 years ago, and while I now say Puyallup correctly, I don't think I'll need to head back there anytime soon. Although the elephant ears certainly didn't disappoint!

But this morning I lost it. I woke up crying, I don't know if I was dreaming about the situation or what, but before I knew it, the tears rolling down my cheeks became full out sobs. I struggled to catch my breath and reached for the phone. Despite often feeling hesitant to discuss with her about my situation with Boston in the past, I knew Laura was the person I needed right then.

Two hours later, I felt better. Not all better, but better. Laura actually knew he had gone with her. Which of course puts Laura in an awful position yet again, and makes me resent her slightly from keeping something like this from me (I do understand her dilemma, not knowing if she should tell me or not, but this isn't the first time it has happened and it always makes me wonder what else she knows that I don't). Not trying to defend or make excuses for him, Laura vaguely explained how the whole thing happened and that Boston knew it was inappropriate. TOf course that doesn't make it all better, although now I know some of what I said in my email will really hit home.

One last phone call to him is in order. (Laura even agrees - how often does your best friend agree it is okay to call your ex?!?!) There are things to be said. He just doesn't get it - life, relationships (romantic or not), honesty, responsibility. I don't think he actually realizes what he did wrong. That when he realized that he didn't see a future with me in February, yet kept dating me until May (and would have continued to date me if I hadn't initiated the conversation about our future), I went from being his girlfriend, to being the friend he was sleeping with (only I didn't know it). And then he continued to lie, often telling me what he thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth, leading me to the point where I have to doubt everything he ever said to me - when you whispered "Goodnight Sweetie" before kissing me on the forehead every night, what did you really mean...

I want to tell him that he should stay in Boston, that he isn't wanted in Seattle (in some small (sick) way, I know that I actually do have some influence on his final decision). I want to tell him that if he does move, that my friends are mine and he needs to leave them alone.

I don't want to get back together with him. I am not secretly hoping that he can apologize and make it up to me, before we live happily ever after. He is messed up. He has problems that I can't fix. That I don't want to fix. But that doesn't mean that I have any easier of a time getting out of bed and putting a smile on my face.

Today, there isn't a cloud in the sky - one of those last perfect days before the rain sets in for months and months. I feel guilty for not being outside (although my knee STILL hurts and not being able to run or bike or hike is KILLING me!), and instead I want to stay holed up in my bed. There are groceries to buy (although the thought of food makes me want to vomit), resumes to update (I am applying for a part-time teaching gig), bedrooms to clean (well just one), but I don't want to do any of it.

Laura told me it is okay to stay in bed all day. In fact, she kinda wants to do it too (the transition to Boston hasn't been that easy for her so far). So if Laura tells me it is okay, maybe I'll listen to her. She is my best friend for a reason.