Poor Girl

I’ve had time to accept it. I’ve gone from upset, to angry, to upset, to indifferent. Ultimately I’m just disappointed.

I was on pins and needles all week, knowing that decision regarding me spending next year in Denmark was coming. I’ve wasted too much time dwelling over it to go too much in detail, but essentially I got a raw deal. Someone was “pushed through” by a member of the selection committee who also happened to be this student’s advisor… his proposal was incomplete (self-admitted) and his application couldn’t stack up to mine (I’m modest… I know). But as “consolation” if I stick around for my PhD I can go the following year. Gee-thanks! You know I’ll be 29 then… no chance of any commitments that might prevent me from leaving the country for a year or anything. I’ll just jump at the chance to go anytime you say I can…

I cried a lot on Friday. To my advisor. To my mom. To The Boy. I think I’m all cried out finally. I’ve been able to talk about it without shedding a tear. It is just hard. I wanted this so badly. I feel like it should be mine. I know you can never get away from politics, but it just sucks when you are a victim of it.

But I’m trying to focus on the positives. It takes a lot of stress off my relationship with The Boy (although now it is more important for him to find a job here in Seattle). I can go to Hawaii (state #40 whoo-who!) in the fall for Krissy’s wedding. I can start planning a trip to Ecuador and Peru. I can take a little longer to finish my masters and use that time to determine if I want to continue on for a PhD. And maybe… you never know… I will be able to go to Denmark someday.

I feel robbed. But I’ll be ok.