Getting On With It

There are two emotions battle side by side within me. I’m upset and sad because it is over and I may never see him again. And I’m angry and pissed at him for not trying and for waiting till now to be honest about what he could and couldn’t handle. And I am angry with myself for believing that he was somebody that I don’t think he ever was, or can be.

I ended the phone conversation abruptly – what’s the point if you can’t get any words out. I sent a scathing text message that he said he hoped was emotions and I truly didn’t mean it. It was emotions, but 3 days later I have no regrets on sending it and meant every word. I spent 9 months being mature, supportive, patient and understanding, so right now I have no problem taking the low road and being immature. I deserve it.

He is the person I want to run to, to make it all better, yet I know he can’t. I want to pick up the phone and call, but I know I need to cut the dependency cord and move on. Making it a little easier is knowing that the surest way to hurt him (again, I know immature) is to not have contact with him at all – especially during these next 10 or so weeks when he is working out in the middle of nowhere, having limited contact with anyone but construction workers. I’m not attempting to be a total cruel bitch but , #1 I need to look out for myself now, I’ve spent too long worrying too much about him, and #2 he needs to learn that there are consequences to his “me against the world” attitude and that is that people aren’t going to feel connected to him for the long term if he doesn’t give them some piece of himself to grasp on to.

Still though, if he were to call right now and say it was all a big mistake, I'd rush back into his arms. I check my phone obsessively for missed calls...