Single vs. Coupled Up

My relationship with a friend of mine has been strained since I’ve started dating Boston. She is so focused on the divide between being single and being in a relationship, that it often makes people feel uncomfortable. Now being on the opposite side of the dividing line from her, I’ve felt uncomfortable and I think it makes me pull away from her.

From her perspective she thinks I spend all my free time with Boston (or so I think, we haven’t spoken about this). I feel like I have to justify myself and prove that I don’t. I’m busy with school and running, cherish my alone time, do love spending time with Boston, and more importantly love spending time with people who are happy and positive (and make me feel happy and positive).

So, she has come up with this idea of a singles cooking club. I don’t know the nitty-gritty details since I wasn’t invited, but from listening to her talk about it several times in my presence, I’m still not sure if the purpose is to have an opportunity to cook for a group since cooking alone/for one is a pain, or to be some sort of “dating service.” All I know is that if you go on more than 5 dates with someone, you are booted because you are no longer considered single. 4 dates… you are ok, but that 5th… you’re out of here.

My initial thoughts were the former (and if it is the latter, I think that a little lame, especially considering that most of these *singles* hang out together already in our social circle that includes couples too), which left me feeling left out. I may have a boyfriend, but I don’t live with him and I am far from married to him. I can count the number of times we’ve cooked together (and by cooked together I mean that I cook and he puts the dishes in the dishwasher) on one hand. We have busy schedules, rarely putting each other in the same place around dinnertime. I’m not Martha in the kitchen, and he has no interest in learning how to cook. So when it comes to making meals, I’m in no different of a situation than any other “single” person.

Last night, as she is talking about it in front of me again, I finally said something. Something to the effect of “I don’t think it is cool that there is such a distinction between single people and couples. I have the same problems preparing meals for myself as any of you.” I don’t remember the exact response (honestly, it took a lot for me to actually say something instead of just stewing over it in my head so I really wasn’t focusing on what she said, just that I had said something first), but she said something like this: “You can come, you just can’t bring Boston. I don’t want it to become a couple-thing.” I just muttered that I didn’t want to come if I wasn’t wanted at and walked away. Fuming, of course. First, don’t tell me I can’t bring my boyfriend, who by the way also typically cooks (used loosely) by himself. And second, how is it going to be a “couple-thing” if 2 out of 10 people at the dinner are dating? I’m pretty sure “you” have got “us” outnumbered.

I don’t live this couple-centric life. I have a boyfriend – that is nothing to be ashamed of – and still spend time with those who don’t. Boston and I have the same friends, what are we supposed to do, trade off who goes to what social event so we don’t go together all the time? I’ve been single (without being ashamed of it) and have had no problem spending time with my non-single friends. Boston and I do double dates with my best friends (who are married to each other), but both him and I played the third wheel (without any self confidence issues) to them before we started dating so it is only natural.

It is a combination of apathy over her own self-confidence issues (which I’ve had to deal with before) and distaste for drama and confrontation that makes me continue to stew over it in my head (which just fires me up more) instead of telling her straight up how I feel. It is ridicules, especially considering I am way too busy to be part of this cooking club anyway!