Intertwined

I spent a weekend in Vancouver with 3 great girls - engineers, PhD students, runners, outdoorsy chicks - what more can I ask for in terms of potential new friends!?!?
















But they know Boston... and hang out with him (and maybe run with him) occasionally. Not neccessarily friends, but acquaintences.

I hate that this city is so small and I hate that my world is intertwined with his.

I haven't had crazy thoughts about him in months - and after one casual conversation where he happened to come up briefly - I'm back there again.

I want to be friends with these girls for so many reasons, but can I handle it?


(Girl Date #2 Recap soon!)

A Few Inches Taller and Pounds Lighter, alternatively titled: Unanswered Emails

Figuratively, that is. The weight has been lifted. 6 months of stress (or really a whole year) have come to an end. I finished up teaching and I finished up my qualifying exam. Now I am working on a couple of research projects and auditing a class. I am going to go home at 5pm today, and every day this week. The 60 to 70 hour work weeks are over. The past week has been a time of decompression. It has been an adjustment, but I can slowly feel the stress lifting off my body and my mind. I have things to look forward to, namely the return of nice weather, but I still worry some.

Spending most of my waking hours in my windowless office helped take my mind off (parts of) the mess with Boston, Laura and Max’s move to Boston, and KC’s 6+ month trip to Europe – collectively known as the mass exodus of my closest friends. I missed them all less because I really didn’t have time to miss them, or much spare time at all. But now what? I’ll be home early every night this week and while I have 3 old US Weekly’s and the 4th Twilight book sitting on the nightstand, plus a major “Clean Out and Cozy Up” (more soon on this!) project all waiting for me at home - I don’t have plans for dinner, or drinks, or to watch a movie, or even to go for a run…

I sent some emails over the past week. Emails that went unanswered, not intentionally (I hope) but unanswered all the same. To my friend, trying to schedule dinner at that Mexican place we’ve been talking about for weeks. To the guy I went on a strangely lackluster date with last week that really didn’t warrant a response unless he decided that I was right and he was wrong. To another guy I was going to go on a date with this week, leaving me in a position where I don’t feel like I can email him again. To my roommate’s friend (my friend too?) telling her that if they really did have an extra spot, I’d love to head up to Vancouver for the race. All emails about things to look forward to, that never materialized.

It is not the end of the world. Life isn’t all woe is me these days. I mean, on Friday I effed up my taxes (realizing it 5 seconds after I hit submit on Turb0Tax) and found out my paper was rejected from publication all within 30 minutes of one another. Normally I would cry after an afternoon like that, but not a tear was shed – that is progress! It is just that I don’t have a lot of outlets for my frustration. This blog is one of the best outlets, you know?

I just emailed my CL running friend to hopefully plan a run tomorrow. And just remembered that another friend wanted to go see I Love You Man. So even if I don’t go for Mexican this week or don’t get to spend a weekend in Canada (and don’t get me started on this recent dating!), I’ll survive. But I’ll still hope for some emails in the inbox tomorrow morning.

What a Welcome Back

I arrived home late Thursday night after an exhausting 21 hours of travel. I'm a little bit tanner, a little bit poorer, and on all accounts had an interesting experience in Cyprus. I'm sorting through the pictures (as expected there are many, like 400+) and reliving the experience in my mind before I share with others. Soon though, I promise.

My welcome home wasn't so pleasant. Another slap in the face is certainly not what I was expecting to come home to. I've thought it couldn't get any worse numerous times, yet it continues to.

Another lie, this one exposed by facebook. Yeah, I'm still his "friend". But even if I hadn't seen it myself, KC saw it and was so enraged that she would have told me. What are the chances that my two ex-boyfriends (who have never met) would lie about spending time with the same person? Seriously, is this for real?

I don't think of myself as an angry person. Emotional? Yes. But angry, not so much. Yet I cannot even describe the level of anger I felt when I saw Boston tagged in her photo of a climb that he was supposedly doing by himself. A climb that we talked about doing together in the past but now he needed some time by himself and didn't want me to come. He wanted to be alone. Had he been standing in front of me when I realized the truth, I might have hit him (and I am certainly not a violent person). He got lucky, I waited an hour before sending him an email. Then of course I realized that he has 1/2 days on Fridays (and I am not sure where he is living, let alone if he has internet at home), therefore probably won't receive it until Monday morning.

I held it together for a while. Jet-lag gave me an excuse to crawl into bed early on Friday. On Saturday, KC and I met for a long lunch where we recovered from the withdrawal associated with 2 weeks apart (honestly, I can't even explain how much better I felt after spending a few hours with her). Last night I "Do Did the Puyallup" with Lan and her hubby. It was my first time to Fair since becoming a Seattlite 7 years ago, and while I now say Puyallup correctly, I don't think I'll need to head back there anytime soon. Although the elephant ears certainly didn't disappoint!

But this morning I lost it. I woke up crying, I don't know if I was dreaming about the situation or what, but before I knew it, the tears rolling down my cheeks became full out sobs. I struggled to catch my breath and reached for the phone. Despite often feeling hesitant to discuss with her about my situation with Boston in the past, I knew Laura was the person I needed right then.

Two hours later, I felt better. Not all better, but better. Laura actually knew he had gone with her. Which of course puts Laura in an awful position yet again, and makes me resent her slightly from keeping something like this from me (I do understand her dilemma, not knowing if she should tell me or not, but this isn't the first time it has happened and it always makes me wonder what else she knows that I don't). Not trying to defend or make excuses for him, Laura vaguely explained how the whole thing happened and that Boston knew it was inappropriate. TOf course that doesn't make it all better, although now I know some of what I said in my email will really hit home.

One last phone call to him is in order. (Laura even agrees - how often does your best friend agree it is okay to call your ex?!?!) There are things to be said. He just doesn't get it - life, relationships (romantic or not), honesty, responsibility. I don't think he actually realizes what he did wrong. That when he realized that he didn't see a future with me in February, yet kept dating me until May (and would have continued to date me if I hadn't initiated the conversation about our future), I went from being his girlfriend, to being the friend he was sleeping with (only I didn't know it). And then he continued to lie, often telling me what he thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth, leading me to the point where I have to doubt everything he ever said to me - when you whispered "Goodnight Sweetie" before kissing me on the forehead every night, what did you really mean...

I want to tell him that he should stay in Boston, that he isn't wanted in Seattle (in some small (sick) way, I know that I actually do have some influence on his final decision). I want to tell him that if he does move, that my friends are mine and he needs to leave them alone.

I don't want to get back together with him. I am not secretly hoping that he can apologize and make it up to me, before we live happily ever after. He is messed up. He has problems that I can't fix. That I don't want to fix. But that doesn't mean that I have any easier of a time getting out of bed and putting a smile on my face.

Today, there isn't a cloud in the sky - one of those last perfect days before the rain sets in for months and months. I feel guilty for not being outside (although my knee STILL hurts and not being able to run or bike or hike is KILLING me!), and instead I want to stay holed up in my bed. There are groceries to buy (although the thought of food makes me want to vomit), resumes to update (I am applying for a part-time teaching gig), bedrooms to clean (well just one), but I don't want to do any of it.

Laura told me it is okay to stay in bed all day. In fact, she kinda wants to do it too (the transition to Boston hasn't been that easy for her so far). So if Laura tells me it is okay, maybe I'll listen to her. She is my best friend for a reason.

Just When You Think You’ve Reached Rock Bottom

(Author's Note: I know, I know... these downer posts are wearing on me too. I'm totally working on channeling my inner positive attitude, hopefully bringing some happiness to my life and hence my blog. And only 5 days until I'm off on an exotic vacation. Oh and I did ride on a jetski this weekend - fun fun fun! - life isn't complete shit, just pretty close at times.)

Boston and I had dinner together on Friday night. I gave in and sent him a text message because I really didn’t think he’d have the balls to contact me. I wanted closure and to say goodbye (and good riddance). Instead I was blindsided. In an awful, sickening, omg I’m gonna throw up right now sort of a way.

If you are not sitting down for this, you might want to.

Boston is staying in Seattle. Or really, planning to come back to Seattle permanently in a few months. And he’d rather be single than in a long-term relationship.

Unfortunately, that second part wasn’t mentioned initially, and I had to listen to him stammer on and on forever about why he thinks he should come back to Seattle. Which, ummm yeah I get… because I am pretty sure I used all those same arguments when trying to explain why he should stay back in May. But there I am, listening him say the words that I have been wishing that he would for weeks now, trying not to get my hopes up but wondering if we get a second chance.

To make a long story short, we don’t (although his definitive “no” was eerily similar to the definitive “no” about not staying in Seattle). The whole thing makes me sick.

Sick because I was not expecting this at all. And my best friend knew 3 days before I did.

Sick because the story changes constantly. I adjust to one situation and then I’m thrown for another loop. He has been anything but honest, and has led me on, used me (which he tries to deny tooth and nail), and generally treated me like shit.

Sick because he knows he is treating me like shit. And feels horrible about it. But can only stop by removing himself from my life.

Sick because he still soaks up all the little details of my life via facebook and mutual friends (seriously, I was shocked about all the mundane things he knew about the past few weeks of my life, and how he connected them to things I said months ago), giving me the opportunity to wonder what that means. (The answer: nothing)

Sick because I drove past our ski hill, where it all started, twice this weekend. He plans on being back just in time for ski season.

Sick because I am a bit proud of him for realizing that Seattle is where he belongs.

So, at this point, I really don’t think it is possible for things to get worse. Only onward and upward from this point forward. Or at least that is the plan.

Unless he, like, gets married or something next month.


Umm, did I also mention I tore my MCL - one of the ligaments in my knee - on Friday (awful day all around)? Thankfully surgery is highly unlikely and the doc says I should heal up just fine, but seriously, can I get a break?!?! Especially when a hard run would be so much more cathartic than this damn hobble I have going on. Ugh!

All Sorts of Confused

My thesis defense couldn’t have gone better. Short of printing out the actual thesis and standing in line to hand it in, I’ve finished my masters degree. I’m headed on a Mediterrean vacation in less than 2 weeks. I should feel like I’m on top of the world.

But I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach.

I might have cried about it a bit everyday over the past week, but I finally have the time to really let it sink in. Boston is returning to Boston in a few days. We haven’t spoken since July 17th, only exchanging emotional emails on the 31st. He can’t possibly leave without saying goodbye, right?

Laura made it to Boston today. She is no longer just on vacation. She has really moved. I miss her. A lot. Max is back in Seattle for a few days. He is staying with Boston tonight, meaning I probably won’t end up seeing him. It is hard to know that my friends are still friends with the man who broke my heart – the one who has made me terrified about the thought of trusting anyone ever again.

I feel a bit lost. Like I spent so much time with Laura, Max, and Boston over the past year, that I don't have a life now that they are all gone. Other friendships have been strained, and I'm not quite sure how to go about mending them. Or if I want to.

As all of the “I defended my thesis today!” celebration wound down last night, I found myself alone at the bar with BMG. We’ve spent more time together this past week than in the past few months. Halloween came up. My past crush on him came up. His roommate came up.

The comment that stuck with me: “Numerous friends of mine have told me that I’m crazy for not dating you…”

I tossed and turned all last night. BMG was in my dream last night. We kissed (in the dream I mean). I woke up confused.

I am confused. And really, I feel too old for all this. Shouldn’t I have life all figured out by now?

Splitting Assets (Otherwise Known as Friends)

While sharing the stove with my roommate and his girlfriend last night, I broke the news that Boston and I had parted ways. I hadn’t seen my roommate in days, and it just so happened that he randomly ran into Boston showing two friends, from Boston, around this weekend (awkward meeting given that my roomie had no idea about the split and made a joke about Boston moving to Seattle).

Hearing the story sent my mind spinning. I know he is not my boyfriend anymore and I am not privy to all the details of his life, but friends coming into town? I talked to him Tuesday… when did this happen? Frantically I called Laura, starting the conversation with “I know I shouldn’t ask but…” She sheepishly admitted that she knew he had friends in town, a guy from the track team and his girlfriend, on a last minute weekend trip... because she and Max went over there for a few hours on Saturday night (she was on the track team too). She claims it was really just because the friend is in the same line of work as Max, who is trying to find a job for when they move to Boston in a few months, but I hardly doubt they spent the entire evening ignoring Boston.

I know they are his friend too. But I don’t want them to be. I don’t want them to talk to him or spend time with him, or make him feel better. I want him to see how if you mess with me, you mess with my friends (meaning you know longer have friends in this damn city). I don’t want him to get off easy, clearing his conscious knowing Laura is taking care of me because he asked her to. I don’t want him to ask questions about how I’m doing, if he wants to know he should stop being such a chicken shit and call me. I don’t want to know that there are things Laura isn’t telling me. I don't want my friends to be uncomfortable being stuck in the middle.

I don’t want to share my friends. They are mine and I need them to be there for me right now. He doesn’t deserve them.

I’m jealous that they all get to reunite in damn Boston in August. And right now I am wasting my last bit of time with my friends because I am a mess, courtesy of him.

I hate fucking Boston – the city (no offense if you live or have lived there).

(Obviously I’m having a bad day which makes me think and act like a spoiled brat.)

Dear Boston, The Final Chapter

Dinner was great. We talked and talked, and really just enjoyed each other's company. But on the walk home, it got awkward, knowing what we had to talk about.

He isn't willing to rearrange his life for me. He'd like to think that somewhere out there, he'd find a girl that he is willing to do it for, but it isn't me, I'm not the one.

There is a lot of finality there, of which I am thankful for.

As we'd sat on my bed, getting ready for him to leave for the final time, I told him about the past week. About how I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't run, and how I had to fake a lot of smiles and laughter. He started to cry. "But that isn't you," he told me. "That is what I like best about you, that you are independent and stubborn."

But it is me right now. I don't like it either. So I think I am going to hideout until I feel better. Maybe a solo camping trip to clear my head. I'm going to emmerse myself in my book, watch some crappy television, and focus (or try to) on the work I need to get done. I'm not doing to see my friends. I love them, but I want to be alone. I don't want to feel like a sympathy case. I don't need to talk, I just need time.

*****************
You know what I really hate. I hate having to tell my mom. I hate having to let her listen to me cry, from 3000 miles away. I hate telling my roommates, who I am not close enough with to normally tell, but will notice he isn't around and that I am around more. I hate having to take down the pictures and being left with an empty space on the wall.

But so is life...

Questions

I don't know what to do - I couldn't ask for anything more in our relationship as it is today, but as it stands now he is going to break my heart 5 months from now when he gets into the car and goes back to Boston. I am well aware of what the future holds, yet I'll somehow still let him have a pice of my heart? I want to be with him, but how do I handle this on a daily basis? How do I deal with knowing that I might get hurt, yet still give this relationship my all? Why does it have to be this hard?