The Way Boys Think (Or Don't)

I had a (self-imposed) emotionally draining weekend.

See, my best Seattle friend (and her husband, who is probably my second best Seattle friend) is moving across the country. I don't do well with goodbyes. They aren't leaving until August. But I can't think about it. This, in itself can, and will make for a lengthy post in the future.

With regards to this post, all that matters is that I thought about her leaving. And then I thought about my boyfriend's potential departure - also in August, also across the country. And even more, I thought that I might be crazy to be dating Boston in the first place because this whole thing is so freaking damn scary and I just don't want to get hurt.

And then I don't hear from Boston all weekend. I wasn't looking for a heart-to-heart, marathon phone conversation, but just something to let me know he was thinking of me. I even gave him an in - sending him a message to say I was thinking of him. It would have taken, what, 30 seconds to respond? But there were no new messages all weekend. I wasn't mad or upset with him, just frusterated. Really, it was that simple. One little text message could have brightened my day.

Fast forward through Boston coming home and realizing something was up, through the small talk about the weekend, through the probing about why I was so upset (where I skipped the whole text message party because I felt silly and focused on being upset about everyone leaving), to the part where we are lying in bed in the dark and I feel a million times better just because I am with him.

He askes "Did you miss me? Because I missed you." I nod. He continues "Your text message made me smile." I quietly respond "You could have wrote back, that would have made me smile."

He thought for a moment. Somewhere between the "I'm sorry," the "I thought about you all weekend," and the "I just didn't think about it like that" he through in there a "Why are we guys so dumb when it comes to this kind of stuff?!"

Amen!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Talk

I wouldn't normally have the boyfriend/girlfriend talk on date #2, but considering that Boston told me that he considered me his girlfriend after that first kiss - I think the discussion was appropriately timed. We certainly are not following any rules here.

Ummm, can I gush?? Boston is awesome. I love the way we interact together, both when we are alone and when we are with our friends. I love that my friends love him. I love how he never wants to sit still - we went skiing 4 times in the last week. I love how I've been sleeping better than I have in months (both with and without him). I love how he sends me goodnight text messages, even if we have spoken just minutes earlier.

This is where I need to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that we have only been dating for a week.

A New Year of Misadventures

I'm not a huge one for New Year's Resolutions. I made a couple last year and while I probably forgot what they were midway through January, I am proud to say I did get back into shape and spend more time with my friends in 2007. As for procrastinating less, well you can't always win. 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

For 2008 I have a new plan... one goal every month. There are things I've been saying I want to do for years, things based on the opportunities of 2008, and just random things. (It has become more like a list of things to do in 2008 - the months are just "suggestions")

January: Put together a photo album for my trip to Europe (you know, the one that I took over a year ago - see here, here, here, here, here, here and here if you want to read about my 7 weeks in Europe). (Completed at the end of March, should be arriving any day now!)

February: Go snowshoeing (there is more to winter than just skiing) (See pictures here.)

March: Finish my thesis and recieve my masters degree (ok, this is weak, but I figure it will be a busy month and this is a big milestone for me). I might also add hike the grand canyon from rim to rim - a potential graduation present to myself. (Still working on it - maybe June?!?! Instead of the GC, I went skiing.)

April: Take a picture everyday. (In progress)

May: Sew myself a dress.

June: Run my fastest half marathon ever.

July: Climb Mt St Helen's.

August: Complete a triathalon.

September: Still thinking.

October: Take a yoga or pilates class. (Updated after decision made not to move to Denmark.)

November: Still thinking.

December: Still thinking.

(And I do have one traditional resolution - I will stretch for at least 5 minutes every night before I go to bed.)

NYE: 2008

I said goodbye to possibly the worst year of my life with a group of friends that I adore. Buh-bye '07!

I think '08 is gonna be better.

It started with a confession: "I have a crush on you."

I was speechless.

And now I'm going on a first date with someone I've had so much fun with and gotten to know so well over the past 3 months.

I'm still kinda wondering if this is really happening.

What am I going to wear?

Professor K

I'm teaching my first class today. OK, not really teaching, but more so facilitating a class. But I get to stand up in front of a class and be in charge. Introduce the speaker, facilitate a discussion, hand back papers, introduce the next assignment...

Eeek! This is what I think I want to do when I am all grown up. I hope it goes well!

A Break

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. My life is just a big mess right now and while I feel like blogging could be a good outlet for all my problems, it tends to feel like an obligation instead. Don't you worry - I'll still be reading blogs (how could I not, I'm totally intertwined into the lives of all you guys!), and my email still works... And if anyone wants to go to Hawaii in early November - I've got an extra bed (seriously, I think).

I just think that I should make a conscious decision to give it a break instead of letting my blog die a sad death. And hopefully when I get my life back in order, I'll be back.

But before I go, just a quick little update on recent events in this crazy little thing called life. I broke down earlier in the week, calling my parents in tears. They were shocked, having no idea that I had been a mess for so long. In addition to drama with The Boy, the weather has been unbelievably shitty this summer, I hate getting up every morning for my internship, and while my friends have been great - friendships are just evolving and things are changing. For the first time in 6 years, I am unhappy here in Seattle. I'm up one day and down the next and it is emotionally and physically (I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months) tolling. I hated putting my parents in the position where they feel so helpless, being 3000 miles away, but I think it was for the best. Letting them into my problems has made me feel better. Everything still sucks, but I know given some time, things will get better.

The Boy's email threw me for a whirl. On the advice of Shell (who just returned from her summer in Alaska - I'm so glad she is back!), I ended up calling him and we talked for over an hour. I then sent "one last" email which he returned yesterday morning. After many tears (the story of my life nowadays), I've determined that he just doesn't get it, and maybe he never will. It is still hard though. It hurts to love someone that doesn't love you back.

Now here is the part where you can just shake your head and chuckle... we had a party last night and an old bedroom romp showed up. It was a bit awkward at first - Bike Boy told me later he was really nervous about showing up (he claims that I told him not to call me after the last hookup - which I certainly don't remember, but I was never really upset that he never called anyway), but once his friend passed out on the steps, we had something to break the ice and fell into comfortable conversation. If anyone had told me at as late as 9pm last night that I would have kissed a boy, I would have laughed in their face. But after lots of talking and looking at pictures (during which time we completely sobered up), we ended up kissing and he spent the night. There was nothing more than kissing and cuddling, but it felt good. I felt good for the first time in months. It is all kind of confusing to me. I don't know what I want, what I need... but I was honest with him about my "situation" so I guess we will just see where it goes. He is a really nice guy and really fun to talk with - I enjoyed his company immensely last night. Ahh, what the h*ll am I doing.

At least I'm (temporarily) going out with a bang!

Random

This summer down right sucks. Not just because of things with The Boy, although that surely adds to the level of suckiness, but just overall. I guess after a summer like the last, it is hard to compare, but I really don't have much to show for this one besides my family vacation (which I was too upset about The Boy's departure to really enjoy) and the half marathon. I really don't like getting up every morning to go to my job, and have been counting down for weeks till I am out of there (5 more weeks to go).

Good news though - I am officially on track to start my PhD for winter quarter! I met with my advisor on Friday and I am very excited to make more progress on my thesis and finish up the masters degree during the fall, and then start on a new project. And the best news of all... she didn't even blink when I asked if I could take a month off (mid-January to mid-February) to travel to Ecuador and Peru! Sweet!

I met my advisor off campus, but I wanted to see my friend, LP's office (she just started working at UW - very exciting) and then I showed her mine. Walking into the building wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would have been, but I'm sure when I am walking along the hallways and have time to think about it, it will be a little rough. I ran into one of The Boy's friends (well, my friend too) outside. I think that The Boy must have been in town last weekend like he said he might, and must have seen Matt (the friend) because he didn't mention/ask about The Boy at all during our little chat. This is also the same guy that I feel "took" my spot to study abroad and he was telling me about his plans for Norway - so the whole conversation was a little awkward. Besides this run in, it felt good to be back at school.

I started Harry Potter this morning. I re-read #6 and I am glad I did because there was so much that I had forgotten and now I feel completely up to speed. I am about halfway through (I spent most of the day reading at the beach) and plan to hop into bed with it right now and immerse myself in the world of wizards and witches. Harry's problems are much much worse than mine!

Brain Drain

Guess who moved back into town the DAY AFTER The Boy and I broke up. Yup, BMG. Classic!

I also received an out of the blue gift from my mom that same day. A beautiful pink beaded necklace. I’ve been wearing it non-stop since. Funny how moms can sense when you need a pick me up.

Oh, and because I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat… I didn’t win the $89 mil on Tuesday (but neither did anyone else). Bummer.

And onto the subject that consumes my mind 99% of the day. It is a good thing that I have amazing friends, because honestly I am not strong enough to do this. Guess you can call me lucky to have never had my heart broken until now, but I don't have any practice on how to make it though and some days I feel like I am drowning. I want so bad to hear his voice. I wonder non-stop if he is thinking of me. He started work today on a 10 week project in the middle of no-where. There are no friends or family, no gym, no kitchen, he already finished Harry Potter - I can only imagine how crazy he is going with all this time to think. I shouldn't worry about him though, that has been my biggest fault in this whole relationship - worrying more about him than myself... but I can't help it.

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor to try and convince her that #1 she should let me stick around school for another year or two before fully committing to a PhD and then #2 she should let me take off the month of January to travel though Ecuador and Peru, and then of course work my ass off in February and March. I'm a little scared to go back to school and walk through those halls, with so many memories of all the hours The Boy and I spent there. I have to do it at some point, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... Anyway, wish me luck with my advisor!

Bad

Things with The Boy have been really rocky this week. Actually I spent Tuesday convinced it was over. I didn't eat a thing all day and pretend I was having an allergy attack (red, watery eyes). The talk Tuesday went better. It just sucks because it is really all on his shoulders. While I'll be there to provide support, he is the one that needs to make a change. As we left it last night, we were going to talk when he comes into Seattle on Friday. His final words were "I don't know where I am at." I could go into greater detail, but honestly I am just exhausted from thinking about it non-stop.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, yet not be too pessimistic. A good sign this evening though... He has been absolutely horrible returning emails, just not responding at all or even acknowledging them (part of the problem). But when I checked my email, I had two from him. One was his take on my PhD/work list (which we had discussed him weighing in on so I was expecting it). The second though was just a quick reply to a picture album I sent him, the kind of reply you send just to tell the person that you took an interest in what they sent to you. Tomorrow he should be getting the package I sent to him before the fallout. It is just a cute card and a bottle opener that plays his alma mater fight song when you open a beer. I thought fondly of him when I saw it in the store and hopefully he'll think fondly of me when he gets it.

Big Decision

I have a big decision coming up. I need to decide if I am going to head back to the working world after I finish my masters (in December) or stay on for a PhD. It has been the million dollar question since March and there is a lot of pressure to stay at school from my advisor and other professors in the department. I change my mind every couple of days regarding what I am going to do, but I need to make a decision by the end of the summer. Below is just a glimpse into all the thought running through my head.

Reasons to stay for a PhD:

Ultimately, I want to teach.
I really like school and the student lifestyle.
I want to learn more.
While it isn’t much, I do get paid and won’t go into any debt.
I have the opportunity to spend up to a year in Denmark, and get paid for it.
I was awarded a funding package that will allow me to develop a new course for the department, which is a wonderful opportunity considering my desired focus is more on teaching that research.
There are classes I still want to take.
I’ll have a bit more flexibility to be able to travel (although less money to do so).
Having a job/internship this summer, I am not really thrilled about being back in cubicle land, even with a year off.
I’m not sure what kind of job I even want.

Reasons to go back to work:

I want to focus on teaching, not research, and there aren’t many schools in this area (one in Seattle, one in Olympia, and one in Spokane) where I could do that. Or what if there isn’t even a job at UW.
I can’t get my mind off the fact that it is a 4 or 5 year commitment. Maybe that means my heart is not in it.
I don’t know if I could be really passionate about a research project.
I’ll actually have money. While I really don’t mind having less spending money, it scares me to think about housing prices and how they are only going to go up.
I think I might enjoy working for the Port (trying it out this summer).
Sometimes I wonder if I am even smart enough to get a PhD.
Sometimes I wonder if I just am thinking about a PhD so I don’t have to work yet.
I won’t be tied to Seattle (not that I am planning to leave, but at least I’ll have the option).
There still is potential to get into teaching without the PhD if I am patient.
2 girls I know who just finished PhDs (in my department but not discipline area) both just said "don't do it!"

Long Distance

It is has only been 3 days and I can tell you that the whole thing pretty much sucks. I have like a billion things to tell him, so many that I can never remember them all when he calls. He had a really sucky day at work and one of my special backrubs would make it all better.

But... people have done it before us and people have done it after us. I just hate the fact that we don't have a plan for the future. We don't know how long this will last. Or if we will last. Neither of us are sure what the next moves in our own personal lives will be. Some days I am optimistic, some days I am not. Some days I know what I want and others I have no idea (or more like a million ideas).

(I know I sound pretty pathetic. He will be back here in less than a week - honestly, I can make it. I'm tough. And I do actually have happy things to blog about, like my new job!, but I just need to pout for a bit and get it all out...)

Pause Please

I just need to press pause in my life. It is moving too fast and I just want to enjoy right now (well, right now minus the finals).

I've always had this *bad* habit of looking towards the future and looking forward to what was coming up, almost to the point of not enjoying the present. But at some point in the past year, that changed.

I'm going on a rockin' vacation in 3 days. I'm starting an internship that I am expecting to love in just over a week. But honestly, I have barely given either more than a second thought.

Hours, days, weeks are over before I know it. A bunch of guys from my program are graduating on Saturday. The Boy is moving in 11 days. I have so many decisions to make about the rest of my life in the next few months.

But I just want to stop and stay right here for a little bit. Take some time to breathe. Not worry about what is happening next.

Where is that dang remote control when you need it?

The Last Half of the Week

The beginning of the week must have been most uneventful because I can't remember what I did.

Wednesday night I got drunk courtesy of the graduate school senate social here at school. I wasn't intending to get drunk, but there was a plethora of beer and limited grub. Bad situation when you are counting on the social to provide you with dinner. Perfect timing though as I was walking to the bus and ran into The Boy leaving class. To make up for calling me several times in the middle of the night last Saturday/Sunday, he drove me home. He pointed out that I have a bad habit of getting drunk on Wednesday nights near his house and then requiring a ride home after his class when all he really wants to do is go home to eat and watch SouthPark. But really, how am I supposed to control all those drink specials on Wednesday nights, I mean the best pizza joint has PBRs for a buck on Wednesday - can't resist that!! :)

Thursday was our 6 month anniversary. The Boy thought it was silly to celebrate, but I think the first 6 months are the toughest, and should at least be acknowledged. I went over after class and we had a phenomenal evening, doing nothing. It was one of the best nights in a long time. MK was in town and we had planned to meet up. She ended up having to do dinner with her co-workers and by the time she called at 10 I was having serious thoughts about just bagging it. But I ended up meeting her out and was super glad that I did (if you read her blog, she may post a picture or two). It was great to meet someone that I felt like I already knew. Unfortunately we were both pretty tired and headed to bed pretty early. But maybe she'll have to head out to Seattle for work again sometime soon! Or maybe something will send me to Florida.

(Oh yeah, I also had an internship interview - for which I was offered my job. Cool job, except for the fact that it is 40 miles away! I hopefully will have another interview for a job much closer to home this week.)

Friday there was a civ-e bbq after school. Being big, tough grad students, we scammed in for free and had numerous beers and burgers. The people in my program... while they will never be my best friends, are super nice and great to talk to. I'm sad that many of them (including my boyfriend**) will be leaving in just a few weeks. After the bbq, The Boy and I headed to my house and then walked to a cute little Italian restaurant near my house. We celebrated our anniversary and the scholarship I received a few months ago. I had a delish smoked salmon ravioli with a creamy pesto sauce. We are determined to make our own pesto sauce because we loved it so much. We walked home under the stars, stopping at PCC and spending a good 30 minutes walking around checking out all the yummy (and expensive!) organic foods.

So far the weekend has proven to be exciting. I even have pictures. Details to follow...

** The Boy has been officially "working" this entire school year his company (or really agency) has paid for school and still paid his salary. In return he owes them 3 years of work. There are offices all over the state, but his home office is small and does diverse work. When it comes down to it, making the decision to go back there was the smartest career-wise, even though his friends (and me) are here in Seattle. He also is paid the same regardless of where he works and the cost of living is much less back home. So that means that The Boy is moving 3 1/2 hours away in just 5 weeks. I'm obviously devastated, but trying to hold it together to enjoy the time we have left together. We plan to stay together, but of course there are no guarantees. All I can do is try to keep it together (which is hard, I had a breakdown today) and hope for the best.

Life is Good

Ever since I told him I love him, The Boy has been acting different. I was worried that he would pull away from me. But... I'm happy to say that it has been quite the opposite. While he has not verbally reciprocated with his own "I love you," he is much more affectionate. He just looks at me differently. I can almost feel that he loves me.

For awhile there I felt like we were not moving forward in our relationship. I felt like we were stagnant. But in the past few weeks I've seen us moving forward... together.

I'm happy.

Life is good.

Fabulous Day and Those 3 Little Words

The Boy did call soon after my last post. He was going to shower and head to my house, from here we were going to walk to the zoo and check out the animals. But it seems like someone partied too hard on st paddy's day and wasn't quite up to the zoo. We had a wonderful afternoon together though so I can't complain.

We watched basketball, had some fun in the bedroom, walked to the park, and just talked. About us, our families, Hawaii, the future. The good conversation continued at dinner. We've decided that regardless of where he ends up after he graduates (in June), we will stay together. And we are both confident that it will work despite the potential 200+ miles between us. I still get sad, knowing that I am not going to Denmark in the fall, but this relationship would have inevitably failed had I gone. That alone makes my disappointment easier to take.

We met Laura and Max for drinks and shuffleboard. We've been so busy that The Boy and I really haven't had time to see them, despite Laura's continued effort to make plans. I think last night was worth the wait though, I had a blast. The Boy and Max got to bond at their end of the shuffleboard table, while I got to give Laura the lowdown on our relationship.

In the past few weeks I've made the realization that I am in love with The Boy. That is huge for me. I don't "do" love. But somehow I've found myself ready to blurt out at any given moment that I love him. But I knew that I wanted to do it on my own terms, and not spontaneously. I've rehearsed the conversation over and over in my head. I knew he wasn't going to say it back right away, and I am ok with that - which I wanted him to know. After talking it over with Laura, I decided I had to say something soon.

The opportunity presented itself about 30 minutes later. The Boy picked up his phone which he had left on the coffee table and said "Looks like nobody loves me..." after seeing he had no missed calls. At that moment, I couldn't not say anything, so after I took a deep breathe I replied, "Well actually, I do..." After my little spiel he broke out laughing! Ok, so it was pretty funny, but I just said "I love you" and the response was laughter!?!?! It is all fine though. I am so happy to have finally said what I was feeling. He didn't tell me he loves me back, but he let me know that he cares about me a lot and I'm hopeful that I will be hearing those 3 little words soon.

All My Love

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I'm going skiing. The Boy is watching the UW/WSU basketball game. What a romantic evening, huh? We are going to have a nice dinner together this weekend and finally catch The Bodies Exhibit (although I'm still a bit worried that I'll be grossed out).

The Boy interviewed for a job in Seattle last week and just found out today that he wasn't the "right fit". He needs to stay with his current employer for the next 3 years because they are footing the grad school bill, but he doesn't neccessarily need to go back to the office he came from, which is why he was interviewing. It is a tough situation made even tougher by the fact that I won't know for another couple of weeks if I'll be in Seattle or Copenhagen next year. Going back home is probably the best career-wise and financially, it just means we'd be apart this summer, in addition to the year I am (potentially) abroad. It is a lot of stress on a new relationship.