A Break

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. My life is just a big mess right now and while I feel like blogging could be a good outlet for all my problems, it tends to feel like an obligation instead. Don't you worry - I'll still be reading blogs (how could I not, I'm totally intertwined into the lives of all you guys!), and my email still works... And if anyone wants to go to Hawaii in early November - I've got an extra bed (seriously, I think).

I just think that I should make a conscious decision to give it a break instead of letting my blog die a sad death. And hopefully when I get my life back in order, I'll be back.

But before I go, just a quick little update on recent events in this crazy little thing called life. I broke down earlier in the week, calling my parents in tears. They were shocked, having no idea that I had been a mess for so long. In addition to drama with The Boy, the weather has been unbelievably shitty this summer, I hate getting up every morning for my internship, and while my friends have been great - friendships are just evolving and things are changing. For the first time in 6 years, I am unhappy here in Seattle. I'm up one day and down the next and it is emotionally and physically (I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months) tolling. I hated putting my parents in the position where they feel so helpless, being 3000 miles away, but I think it was for the best. Letting them into my problems has made me feel better. Everything still sucks, but I know given some time, things will get better.

The Boy's email threw me for a whirl. On the advice of Shell (who just returned from her summer in Alaska - I'm so glad she is back!), I ended up calling him and we talked for over an hour. I then sent "one last" email which he returned yesterday morning. After many tears (the story of my life nowadays), I've determined that he just doesn't get it, and maybe he never will. It is still hard though. It hurts to love someone that doesn't love you back.

Now here is the part where you can just shake your head and chuckle... we had a party last night and an old bedroom romp showed up. It was a bit awkward at first - Bike Boy told me later he was really nervous about showing up (he claims that I told him not to call me after the last hookup - which I certainly don't remember, but I was never really upset that he never called anyway), but once his friend passed out on the steps, we had something to break the ice and fell into comfortable conversation. If anyone had told me at as late as 9pm last night that I would have kissed a boy, I would have laughed in their face. But after lots of talking and looking at pictures (during which time we completely sobered up), we ended up kissing and he spent the night. There was nothing more than kissing and cuddling, but it felt good. I felt good for the first time in months. It is all kind of confusing to me. I don't know what I want, what I need... but I was honest with him about my "situation" so I guess we will just see where it goes. He is a really nice guy and really fun to talk with - I enjoyed his company immensely last night. Ahh, what the h*ll am I doing.

At least I'm (temporarily) going out with a bang!