The Way Boys Think (Or Don't)

I had a (self-imposed) emotionally draining weekend.

See, my best Seattle friend (and her husband, who is probably my second best Seattle friend) is moving across the country. I don't do well with goodbyes. They aren't leaving until August. But I can't think about it. This, in itself can, and will make for a lengthy post in the future.

With regards to this post, all that matters is that I thought about her leaving. And then I thought about my boyfriend's potential departure - also in August, also across the country. And even more, I thought that I might be crazy to be dating Boston in the first place because this whole thing is so freaking damn scary and I just don't want to get hurt.

And then I don't hear from Boston all weekend. I wasn't looking for a heart-to-heart, marathon phone conversation, but just something to let me know he was thinking of me. I even gave him an in - sending him a message to say I was thinking of him. It would have taken, what, 30 seconds to respond? But there were no new messages all weekend. I wasn't mad or upset with him, just frusterated. Really, it was that simple. One little text message could have brightened my day.

Fast forward through Boston coming home and realizing something was up, through the small talk about the weekend, through the probing about why I was so upset (where I skipped the whole text message party because I felt silly and focused on being upset about everyone leaving), to the part where we are lying in bed in the dark and I feel a million times better just because I am with him.

He askes "Did you miss me? Because I missed you." I nod. He continues "Your text message made me smile." I quietly respond "You could have wrote back, that would have made me smile."

He thought for a moment. Somewhere between the "I'm sorry," the "I thought about you all weekend," and the "I just didn't think about it like that" he through in there a "Why are we guys so dumb when it comes to this kind of stuff?!"

Amen!

Let's Caucus!

This weekend I participated in my first caucus. It was crowded, noisy, and hot, but a wonderful experience. Occuring after Super Tuesday, Washington's caucus typically doesn't count for much. This year was different.

So the brief recap of how it all went down:

Our precinct had 100 voters (there were 6 precincts total at the school we were in). As you sign in, you have to declare your candidate of choice (or declare to be uncommitted). When our caucus began, we had 75 votes for Obama, 14 for Clinton, and 11 uncommitted - means 4 of our 5 delgates would go to Obama and 1 to Clinton. People were then allowed to speak for 1 minute about their candidate of choice. It was really interesting to hear people's opinions, which were all well-thought out and often began with "I'd be happy with either as our president, but..." After everyone who wanted to spoke, people were able to change their vote (79 Obama, 16 Clinton, and the rest stayed uncommitted) and we still had 4 to 1 delegates, Obama to Clinton. From the people who voted for each candidate, we voted to select the delegates who would go to the district convention to represent our precinct (my roommate being one!). I thought it was really cool that our 4 delegates were all young - under the age of 30 - representative of the demographic that Obama is really inspiring.

Final thoughts: caucus are way more fun that primaries!

The Wonderful World of Cell Phones

When I took my first cross country adventure in August of 2001, it consisted of 4 girls (3 of them sisters – which makes for a story in itself), 2 cars stuffed to the gills, 2 walkie-talkies, and plenty of quarters for pay phones. Yes, that is right folks – this great adventure happened in pre-cell phone days. To be fair, people did have cell phones in 2001, but they were few and far between. Granted, we lost one of the walkie-talkies somewhere in Minnesota, had to stop at sketchy pay phones every night to call home, and had to use a stranger’s phone in the middle of Montana when we locked the keys in one of our cars – but we made it. Two weeks on the open road and no problems we couldn’t handle without a cell phone.

Six and a half years later, I leave my phone in my boyfriend’s car as he drops me off at home this morning on the way to work – and all hell breaks loose! Of course I don’t know his phone number – or anyone else’s save for my parents’ and, randomly Laura’s. But due to another great technology – I can at least email Boston to verify that he has his phone. Now he has to bring it up to my house tonight, because I can’t call him to see if he is home to pick it up, and even if he was home, I couldn’t get into his apartment building without calling him.

I feel so out of touch without it! I mean, what if Gris wants to have lunch with me today? (She can email me, or just come down and knock on the door. Like she just did 2 seconds ago.) What if my mom calls, and I don’t call her back right away and she thinks something is wrong? (My mom isn’t a worry-wart like me.) What if I need to google-text to find something out? (Mmmm, yeah… I sit in front of a computer all day). OK, we are talking about like 12 hours with out the phone - I need to get over it, the world as we know it is not going to end. Deep breaths.

Random aside, involving me and my cell phone… I got shushed last night for talking on the phone on the bus. A mean old lady turned around, gave me the evil eye, and put her finger to her mouth and shushed me!! Of course, my phone rang 5 more times during that 20 minute bus ride (massive avalanche on the freeway + night skiing outing = disappointed would-be skiers who drove 30 miles towards the mountains to only have dinner at a mediocre diner and turn around). I tried to keep my voice down, but I still got the stare of death as I hurried off the bus – with my phone to my ear of course. Hi?!?! Public bus – I can talk if I want to!

Thoughts

I feel a bit pathetic missing him as much as I do. Only 6 days... yeah really pathetic. It isn't like a physical missing him, but more that I haven't even been able to talk to him. That intoxicated phone conversation (on my end, not his) and 5 minutes on the phone tonight have not been enough (damn those expensive rates when calling from Canada). It kinda scares me to miss him like I do - mainly because I don't know if the level of missing is reciprocal.

He is coming home tonight - late. I wanted to ask if I was going to see him tonight. But I didn't want to hear if the answer was no, so I didn't. But now I sit here wondering, which is probably worse, especially if the answer is no. I understand - it is a long day and he is exhausted from 5 solid days of skiing. I'll survive if I have to wait another day, but my fingers are crossed that I won't have to.

Must go for a run to burn of some of this anxiety.

UPDATE: The run (3.5 miles) did wonders for the mind. I will not see Boston tonight, but I am okay with that. After a long catch-up phone call as he was driving back, I wasn't even that upset when he kinda hinted that he just wanted to crash in his bed as soon as he got home. I figure it will make for a better evening tomorrow with him if he gets a good night sleep.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend Talk

I wouldn't normally have the boyfriend/girlfriend talk on date #2, but considering that Boston told me that he considered me his girlfriend after that first kiss - I think the discussion was appropriately timed. We certainly are not following any rules here.

Ummm, can I gush?? Boston is awesome. I love the way we interact together, both when we are alone and when we are with our friends. I love that my friends love him. I love how he never wants to sit still - we went skiing 4 times in the last week. I love how I've been sleeping better than I have in months (both with and without him). I love how he sends me goodnight text messages, even if we have spoken just minutes earlier.

This is where I need to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that we have only been dating for a week.

Perfect Timing

So…as I’ve mentioned before, I met Boston as Max and Laura’s wedding over Labor Day. We sat next to each other and hit if off immediately (his best friend even made a comment to Laura about it that evening). Conveniently, Boston was moving to Seattle (temporarily then, but now more permanently) in mid-September. I had a new little fun crush.

The fall was busy and I was still sort of emotionally tangled in my last relationship, but I spent a lot of time with Boston and somewhere in there I went from crushing to actually liking him. But partially because of a fear of rejection and partially because I knew I just wasn’t ready a real relationship yet, I decided to just leave things as they were. I was having a fabulous time being friends with Boston, and I figured I’d just be happy with our relationship as it was.

Then the week before Christmas rolled around. I had more free time and it started to snow. Boston and I went skiing one night, just the two of us. 6 hours together, alone. I had so much fun. Then two days later, when I should have been packing for a 6am flight the next morning, I gave Boston a call to see what he was up to. I ended up going with him to feed Max and Laura’s cats (they were away and Boston was cat sitting) and then sat in their apartment, drinking beer and talking for the rest of the evening. When he dropped me off, I remember thinking – man, that was like hanging out with my boyfriend, minus a goodnight kiss.

After a week apart (where I thought about him way too much) and 2 more ski outings, we found ourselves toasting in the New Year together. Both drunk and flirty, Boston made his move and admitted he had a crush (or more than a crush) on me. I was shocked, not expecting it at all, but somehow was able to utter back that I felt the same way before he kissed me. Aughhh!!!

Our feelings for each other basically developed on parallel paths throughout the fall. We had our first “date” on New Years Day, but really I think we’ve been dating for awhile and just didn’t know it. It is so bizarre (but a good bizarre) to be starting a relationship with someone that I am so comfortable with. Someone that I feel like I already know so well. Someone that I know I really like (and know that he really likes me).

I don’t want to compare, but Boston is everything that my ex wasn’t, and more. He is perfect (okay, not perfect, but I think maybe perfect for me) – to the point where I am a bit scared because everything seems too, well, perfect. But he makes me laugh. And he makes me feel good about myself. And right now, I can’t think of anything else I want more.

It is quite a way to start off 2008.

A New Year of Misadventures

I'm not a huge one for New Year's Resolutions. I made a couple last year and while I probably forgot what they were midway through January, I am proud to say I did get back into shape and spend more time with my friends in 2007. As for procrastinating less, well you can't always win. 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

For 2008 I have a new plan... one goal every month. There are things I've been saying I want to do for years, things based on the opportunities of 2008, and just random things. (It has become more like a list of things to do in 2008 - the months are just "suggestions")

January: Put together a photo album for my trip to Europe (you know, the one that I took over a year ago - see here, here, here, here, here, here and here if you want to read about my 7 weeks in Europe). (Completed at the end of March, should be arriving any day now!)

February: Go snowshoeing (there is more to winter than just skiing) (See pictures here.)

March: Finish my thesis and recieve my masters degree (ok, this is weak, but I figure it will be a busy month and this is a big milestone for me). I might also add hike the grand canyon from rim to rim - a potential graduation present to myself. (Still working on it - maybe June?!?! Instead of the GC, I went skiing.)

April: Take a picture everyday. (In progress)

May: Sew myself a dress.

June: Run my fastest half marathon ever.

July: Climb Mt St Helen's.

August: Complete a triathalon.

September: Still thinking.

October: Take a yoga or pilates class. (Updated after decision made not to move to Denmark.)

November: Still thinking.

December: Still thinking.

(And I do have one traditional resolution - I will stretch for at least 5 minutes every night before I go to bed.)

Christmas Aftermath

My Christmas was wonderful, as always, and I got way too many presents, as always. But I'm not complaining. I got some new clothes, including a pair of citizens jeans, which I had to explain to my whole family why they cost as much as they do (it is all about the butt people) and an awesome hott pink down coat (I think I'll be sure to stand out as the American if I wear it in Copenhagen next year!).

I had a wonderful dinner with my 2 oldest friends (and their significant others) and have been thoroughly exhausted by my 3-year old nephew. I've watched numerous movies and kicked some bootie at scrabble (48 points in one word - go me!). I've finished one book and started another. It has been wonderful!

Time has flown by! I can't believe I only have two days of my Christmas holiday left!?!?

But I do miss Seattle, my friends there, and the mountains. NY will always be where I am "from." But Seattle is my "home."

Really? Are You Serious? (Part 2)

I did manage to pull myself together and enjoy my holiday party on Saturday night. As the evening was winding down, only my close friends remained and we all gathered around in the living room first playing C*tch Phrase, then just joking around.

My friend, Drew, and I were laughing our asses off at sassy text messages from LP in Portland, who was wishing she was at the party with us. In the midst of this text message blitz, I received one from a number I didn't recognize.

(12:23 am)
206-779-XXXX: How are you?
me: Who are you?
206-779-XXXX: Good.
me: No, WHO are you?
(pause in text message action)
206-779-XXXX: Bike Boy
me: Oh, I deleted your # from my phone so I was confused. Confused and a bit drunk.
206-779-XXXX: You been good?

*Phone is stolen by Drew because he is mad that I am no longer laughing about LP's messages with him.*

20 minutes later...

me: Sorry, phone was stolen and has just been recovered. I'm good...

End of Conversation.

WTF!?!? Random! Why is he texting me out of the blue?

BACKSTORY: Bike Boy and I hooked up after the last party at my house, the day of the last email from The Boy (deja vu?). We then went on a few dates (for lack of a better word), and made out some more. I thought it was going well. I wanted something casual, something to make me feel good. He wanted something casual, he was making me feel good. Then one day he just starts brushing me off: taking forever to respond to text messages and never picking up the phone when I called and then responding via text. I got the picture fast, and was pissed. I didn't care so much about him. He is really hott and fun to be with, but not a total catch or someone you'd want to be with for the long haul. But I just thought it was really rude to just totally diss me like that, without at least saying hey - I think we should just be friends or something. Being our mutual friend, BMG got in the middle of it (and hated every moment of it) but validated my arguement, saying that he thought Bike Boy was being immature, didn't handle it well, and actually really misinterpreted what I wanted out of the relationship anyway (what he wanted and what I wanted were actually rather compatiable). I got over it, forgot it... But on that fateful night, I sent Bike Boy a handful of drunken text messages, which lead to me deleting his number so that never happened again.

Fast-forward to this weekend... Booty call? Why else would he randomly text me on a Saturday night when I know he was drunk (he was out with BMG, who had been over earlier) and he suspected I was drunk. Guess he realized he'd probably get denied when I admitted that I had deleted his number. Ha! I just wish I could have actually said - been there, done that, won't do it again... No word from him since though.

OK, so I will admit to you ladies, and you ladies only, that I was glad that I had a houseful of friends with me, and a friend spending the night, so I wasn't tempted to act on this whole attempted booty call. I did think about it - I can't help it, I was in a vulnerable place and as far as booty calls go, it would have been good! But once again, thank goodness for friends.

It all makes for a funny story, which is often what I feel my life is all about. Ahhh.

SWEATPANTS UPDATE: I mailed them to him this afternoon. No email, no note in the package - just the pants. He should get them tomorrow or the next day. I feel very content with this decision. It shows I read his email and was respectful enough to return what was his, but don't want to talk to him and didn't give him any insight into my current state of well-being. I am happy to have that behind me, and will just make damn sure I look my best on Friday in case I happen to run into him. Let's hope I don't though, ok?

Really? Are You Serious? (Part 1)

His timing is impeccable. I don't know why I even checked my email one last time before turning off my computer. Once I saw the email from him, I couldn't not open it, despite the fact that a party was looming in the immediate future. His last email, which upset me more than I care to admit, was also just hours before a party I was hosting. What did he have to say, you ask?

K--
I have looked for your PE book in all my stuff that is in my house. I can't find it. I thought you took it back, but if you didn't, then it must have been packed away in storage. When the weather is better I will find it and return it (the storage is outside). Speaking of the weather, it is cold in eastern Washington and I am once again wearing sweatpants. You never responded if you still wore mine. Do you? If you don't, I would like them back. I am planning on being in Seattle in a week and would like to pick them up if they are not being used. If you are wearing them, though, I do not need them back. Sorry for breaking your no-contact wish, but you never responded to my questions in my last email. Thats all. Let me know.
- The Boy

Did he seriously email me about a pair of sweatpants!?!? WTF. I was upset that he emailed. I was upset what he emailed about. I was upset that I was upset. I was upset that I cried. And I was hosting a party in 60 minutes (although, I managed to pull the party off without a hitch), for which I had already applied (not waterproof) mascara! LP was my saving grace, dispensing advice and a listening ear despite being in Portland for the weekend. Actually making me laugh about what worthless f-ker he is.

So... I've deleted the email (it was hard because I do want to talk to him, and I do want to see him). The sweatpants are (have been) in a box under my bed, filled with all the other momentos from our relationship. But if he is going to contact me, when I have specifically said not to, about a pair of sweatpants (when he has a good job and is still living at home - not paying rent - and could certainly just go to the store and buy a new pair), I am not returning the damn pants. I am not replying to the email either, because honestly he doesn't even deserve a response.

And then of course the insecurities set in... Not so skinny anymore girl is defending her thesis on Friday. Is he coming to town to celebrate her finishing her masters? Will he actually go to her defense? God, I hope not - I don't know what I'd do if I ran into him in the hall. Will he be going out in my part of town? At the bar 2 blocks away?

Aughhhhhh! I hate that he can make me feel this way.

Another boy in my life also has impeccable timing. But we will save that story for Part 2.

Sooooooo Tired

As I've said before, my life has been a whirlwind lately. It is a good thing, but it leaves me so tired! I want to blog right now. I have several posts all ready to go in my brain, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Thank goodness Grey's was a repeat tonight and I didn't feel compelled to watch it.

But there is one bit of exciting news that I'll leave you with before I pass out... The first ski resort in Washington is opening tomorrow. OK, so I won't be hitting the slopes, but my roommate will and that is reason enough to be excited. It is supposed to snow more this weekend and all we need is a dump or two for my ski hill of choice (aka the one closest to my house and with the cheapest season's pass - althought unfortunetly the lowest in elevation) opens. I am so excited for the season to start!!

*Think snow*

Love/Hate

Love: Janet’s Love/Hate posts so I am copying (imitation is the sincerest form a flattery).

Hate: That Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I have a class ‘til 9, that might run late.

Love: My red-eye flight, that will allow me to jet from class early.

Hate: The weather forecast for central NY. Way too cold for me!

Love: My fitness class instructor at the gym. Honestly, I have a girl crush on her. She rocks.

Hate: Because of her, I will not be able to laugh or cough or do anything else that engages my abs tomorrow without wincing in pain.

Love: Hearing that my friend, who experienced a horrible tragedy, is preparing to experience a miracle (in the form of a new baby!).

Love: Real chicken wings (not what they serve here in Seattle).

Love: Having plenty to be thankful for this year: friends, family, health, and amazing opportunities, to name a few.

Love: Having way more to love than hate in my life.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller is so right on with this one. How is Thanksgiving THIS WEEK?!?! Time flies by yet, I never seem to get anything done.

Last week was hellish. I was swamped with work and commitments (so I barely got any work done) and then had to attend a conference in Portland. It was relatively fun, but not all that informative and I could have spent my time otherwise (not to mention all the time I spent dealing with logistics of getting 10 other students down there).

I caught a cold on my return from Hawaii, my car battery died and had to be replaced, and I lost my student id (which doubles as a bus pass). I spent the week in shock, thinking about my friend’s sister’s murder (they arrested two men, one who confessed), and worrying about another friend’s father who was having a brain tumor removed (the surgery went well and the tumor was benign).

This weekend I treated myself to a glorious morning of sleeping in (12 hours of sleep!), a leisurely run with my roommate, dinner with an old friend, an easy hike up north with a new friend, and just a bit of homework. And in just 3 days, I’ll be back in the comforts of my childhood home. My mom (who, I don’t say it enough, is amazing!) will cook me all the foods I am craving and let me stay in my pjs all day. I get to catch up with my brother and play with my nephew. And see my best friends, and best friend’s new baby. I will feel all nervous about attending my 10-year high school reunion, but then have a blast. I’ll still work on my thesis, but I’ll do it in a place that makes me feel all warm and cozy.

Then I will come back to Seattle and life will be all crazy again. But as the keynote speaker at last week’s conference pointed out, cities experience traffic congestion because they have desirable qualities. There is a reason why San Francisco is congested and Flint, Michigan isn’t. So maybe there is a reason my life is “congested” too?!?

Tragedy

I was supposed to post today about how wonderful Hawaii was and how great I feel. I'd throw in a few pictures and everyone would be jealous. Then the phone rang.

I was super excited because I had not talked to Kate, my best friend from college, in ages. She really isn't a big phone talker and we have both been very busy lately. It didn't even cross my mind that something could be wrong... until I heard her voice.

Her 26 year-old sister, Jill, had died. Not just died, but was murdered in her apartment. I tried to be a strong friend, but I couldn't hold the tears in. Murder. What an awful word. I really can't even comprehend it right now. I am in the middle of scanning in pictures from our drive out to Seattle over 6 years ago. I was going to put together a cd for Kate for Christmas. Kate and I took the 11 day cross country road trip with her 2 sisters. There are so many pictures of the 3 of them together. We had so many laughs that trip. Jill was a junior in college then, and I remember her telling us how she really just wished she could major in her sorority because classes totally cramped her social life. While still a social vixen, she worked for a non-profit and was making a difference in this world. It is so sad to see her life cut short so tragically.

I had the task of calling each of our good friends from college and relaying the bad news. I hadn't talked to some of these girls in months and it was horrible to have to call in these circumstances. I've broken the news and talked about it over and over again, but it still hasn't sunk in.

Kate hadn't spoken to her sister in awhile and the anguish of it was evident in her voice. I called my brother today. Not just to tell him how much I missed him or loved him or anything, but mainly to say hi and see what was happening in his world. Because obviously things change quickly in this world and the unexpected happens. You can never be prepared for something like this, but you can always take the time to reach out to those who are important to you.

Just the Facts (some of which are a little fuzzy)

BMG and I went to a Halloween party together on Saturday.

We drank loads of cheap beer and played game after game of flip-cup (meaning we were toasted).

We walked 20 blocks home. During which time we decided to hold hands (not sure how this came about… I was drunk… but I am willing to bet I was the aggressor).

I fell down (again, don’t really know how, I just know it hurts and I have the bruises and scrapes to prove it).

I started crying as BMG helped me up.

We finally make it home and decide that BMG should sleep in my bed instead of on the couch.

Once in bed I start crying again - about my boo-boos and about The Boy. Actually, I think sobbing about The Boy would be more accurate.

In the midst of the crying, I decide that BMG and I should make out.

I essentially molest him. He lets me for a little bit but then realizes that this will only cause trouble and has to fend me off.

I cry more about The Boy while BMG holds me tight and tells me everything is going to be okay.

I eventually cry myself to sleep while BMG continues to comfort me.


So… ummm, yeah… That was so awkward and so embarrassing. And did I mention that somewhere in the middle of all this I told BMG that I used to totally crush on him.

He is cool enough of a guy though that we are all good, I think. He probably only thinks I am half psycho. I sent a long apologetic email and asked if he still wanted to do dinner this week as planned. He wrote back, telling me not to worry, and then also called last night to make definite plans.

Moral of the story: cheap beer, drinking games, broken hearts, and old crushes do not mix.

The Highest Potential of a Man

I am finishing up “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Many have told me they loved it, but honestly I am not that impressed. It is taking me forever to get through it. Last night though, after an emotionally draining Saturday night (a separate blog post all in itself), I picked the book up and really connected with several things she said. The following hit home the most:

“I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest point. I have fallen in love more times that I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Although I couldn’t formulate my thoughts as eloquently as Elizabeth Gilbert, I have known this for awhile. I was in love with the highest potential of The Boy. I thought I saw something more in him. Whether there truly was something more in him, I might never know, but I do know that who I love, and who he truly is at this point in time are not the same. While The Boy has caused me much pain, it was my “flaw” of always seeing the best in everyone that lead to my heartbreak. I am the one that let myself fall in love with him, who saw something, someone that wasn’t really there. What is next though? I realize this, now what do I do with it? It doesn’t make things any easier. I still hurt. But at least I know I am not the only one out there with this problem.

As Elizabeth Gilbert’s lover said: “And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”

I'm baaaaack!

I've actually wanted to get back into blogging for quite a while, but I've been so busy and there has been no time. Still no time, but that probably won't change so I might as well get started.

Things are better. Not great, but better. I feel good some days, but bad some others. It is amazing how fast my mood can change. It is amazing how I can let one man affect me so much. It is amazing how a confident girl can feel so insecure. But here I am, over 2 months later, about 10 pounds lighter, and *almost* better. There is still a lot of hurt and anger, and yes, I miss The Boy like crazy, but I realize (most of the time) that I am better off without him. That if he couldn't love me, it was his problem and not mine. That he didn't deserve my love. That I deserve someone, something better. Granted, I have to keep telling myself this over and over, but it is a start.

The last month has been crazy busy: trips to New England and North Dakota, camping in the snow at Rainier, a half marathon (6+ minutes faster than the last one!), back to school. Lots more coming up: Hawaii, New York twice, planning for Peru, more school. Even though I feel like I am going crazy half the time, it keeps my mind off all the negative thoughts.

But I am back, maybe a bit more jaded and less trusting, but still optimistic that life will treat me well if I take advantage that all that is placed in front of me. And what I've learned is that I have amazing friends who will always be there for me (even when they have heard me cry over the same thing day after day after day!).

A Break

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. My life is just a big mess right now and while I feel like blogging could be a good outlet for all my problems, it tends to feel like an obligation instead. Don't you worry - I'll still be reading blogs (how could I not, I'm totally intertwined into the lives of all you guys!), and my email still works... And if anyone wants to go to Hawaii in early November - I've got an extra bed (seriously, I think).

I just think that I should make a conscious decision to give it a break instead of letting my blog die a sad death. And hopefully when I get my life back in order, I'll be back.

But before I go, just a quick little update on recent events in this crazy little thing called life. I broke down earlier in the week, calling my parents in tears. They were shocked, having no idea that I had been a mess for so long. In addition to drama with The Boy, the weather has been unbelievably shitty this summer, I hate getting up every morning for my internship, and while my friends have been great - friendships are just evolving and things are changing. For the first time in 6 years, I am unhappy here in Seattle. I'm up one day and down the next and it is emotionally and physically (I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months) tolling. I hated putting my parents in the position where they feel so helpless, being 3000 miles away, but I think it was for the best. Letting them into my problems has made me feel better. Everything still sucks, but I know given some time, things will get better.

The Boy's email threw me for a whirl. On the advice of Shell (who just returned from her summer in Alaska - I'm so glad she is back!), I ended up calling him and we talked for over an hour. I then sent "one last" email which he returned yesterday morning. After many tears (the story of my life nowadays), I've determined that he just doesn't get it, and maybe he never will. It is still hard though. It hurts to love someone that doesn't love you back.

Now here is the part where you can just shake your head and chuckle... we had a party last night and an old bedroom romp showed up. It was a bit awkward at first - Bike Boy told me later he was really nervous about showing up (he claims that I told him not to call me after the last hookup - which I certainly don't remember, but I was never really upset that he never called anyway), but once his friend passed out on the steps, we had something to break the ice and fell into comfortable conversation. If anyone had told me at as late as 9pm last night that I would have kissed a boy, I would have laughed in their face. But after lots of talking and looking at pictures (during which time we completely sobered up), we ended up kissing and he spent the night. There was nothing more than kissing and cuddling, but it felt good. I felt good for the first time in months. It is all kind of confusing to me. I don't know what I want, what I need... but I was honest with him about my "situation" so I guess we will just see where it goes. He is a really nice guy and really fun to talk with - I enjoyed his company immensely last night. Ahh, what the h*ll am I doing.

At least I'm (temporarily) going out with a bang!

Random

This summer down right sucks. Not just because of things with The Boy, although that surely adds to the level of suckiness, but just overall. I guess after a summer like the last, it is hard to compare, but I really don't have much to show for this one besides my family vacation (which I was too upset about The Boy's departure to really enjoy) and the half marathon. I really don't like getting up every morning to go to my job, and have been counting down for weeks till I am out of there (5 more weeks to go).

Good news though - I am officially on track to start my PhD for winter quarter! I met with my advisor on Friday and I am very excited to make more progress on my thesis and finish up the masters degree during the fall, and then start on a new project. And the best news of all... she didn't even blink when I asked if I could take a month off (mid-January to mid-February) to travel to Ecuador and Peru! Sweet!

I met my advisor off campus, but I wanted to see my friend, LP's office (she just started working at UW - very exciting) and then I showed her mine. Walking into the building wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would have been, but I'm sure when I am walking along the hallways and have time to think about it, it will be a little rough. I ran into one of The Boy's friends (well, my friend too) outside. I think that The Boy must have been in town last weekend like he said he might, and must have seen Matt (the friend) because he didn't mention/ask about The Boy at all during our little chat. This is also the same guy that I feel "took" my spot to study abroad and he was telling me about his plans for Norway - so the whole conversation was a little awkward. Besides this run in, it felt good to be back at school.

I started Harry Potter this morning. I re-read #6 and I am glad I did because there was so much that I had forgotten and now I feel completely up to speed. I am about halfway through (I spent most of the day reading at the beach) and plan to hop into bed with it right now and immerse myself in the world of wizards and witches. Harry's problems are much much worse than mine!

Brain Drain

Guess who moved back into town the DAY AFTER The Boy and I broke up. Yup, BMG. Classic!

I also received an out of the blue gift from my mom that same day. A beautiful pink beaded necklace. I’ve been wearing it non-stop since. Funny how moms can sense when you need a pick me up.

Oh, and because I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat… I didn’t win the $89 mil on Tuesday (but neither did anyone else). Bummer.

And onto the subject that consumes my mind 99% of the day. It is a good thing that I have amazing friends, because honestly I am not strong enough to do this. Guess you can call me lucky to have never had my heart broken until now, but I don't have any practice on how to make it though and some days I feel like I am drowning. I want so bad to hear his voice. I wonder non-stop if he is thinking of me. He started work today on a 10 week project in the middle of no-where. There are no friends or family, no gym, no kitchen, he already finished Harry Potter - I can only imagine how crazy he is going with all this time to think. I shouldn't worry about him though, that has been my biggest fault in this whole relationship - worrying more about him than myself... but I can't help it.

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor to try and convince her that #1 she should let me stick around school for another year or two before fully committing to a PhD and then #2 she should let me take off the month of January to travel though Ecuador and Peru, and then of course work my ass off in February and March. I'm a little scared to go back to school and walk through those halls, with so many memories of all the hours The Boy and I spent there. I have to do it at some point, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... Anyway, wish me luck with my advisor!