Always a bridesmaid...

Next week I head to Rhode Island for my 7th trip down the aisle. As a bridesmaid, that is.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my friends love me enough to ask me to take part in their special day. But the whole thing is getting a bit… shall I say, old. The dress, the hair, the nails, the extra night at the hotel (Plus the plane ticket, given that 6 out of 7 of these weddings have been all the way across the country. And the 7th? Hawaii.) – it’s expensive. And time consuming.

My biggest issue is the dress, specifically that I swear there is a conspiracy in the works between bridesmaid dress manufacturers and seamstresses. I mean seriously, I can go pick a dress of the rack at almost any store in the mall and, generally speaking, it fits. Yet every single bridesmaid dress I have bought (OK I am lying, all but the one I bought at Nordstrom that wasn’t an actual bridesmaid dresses) has required alterations.

I don’t get it. I’ve got an average body. I’m 5’-6,” weigh-in in the 130s-range, have 34C boobs. I have muscles and hips, but nothing to cause you to stop and stare. Yet the dress never fits. What gives?!?!

I only needed “minor” alterations this time around – shortening of the straps and a stitch or two in the front to increase the decency level. That is another issue, seriously… I am the least endowed bridesmaid and am completely mortified with how much boob I will be showing both inside a church and in front of grandparents. Anyway, these “minor” alterations are costing me 40 bucks, which doesn’t come anywhere close to comparing to the time the alterations cost MORE than the dress itself (!!). But still, that is the equivalent to like 3 or 4 beers in Norway (I kid you not! Safe to say I won't be indulging in too many beers on vacation.).

And will I ever wear the dress again? I’ll give you one guess.

(Note: I am extremely happy for the bride and wouldn’t miss her wedding for the world!)

Too Much of a Good Thing

After spending 70+ hours a week at school from October through March, I've been living the life these past 2 months. I come in at 8 and leave at 4. I've been known to take long lunches in the sun. I don't set foot on campus over the weekend.

(unless it is to go canoeing!)

I've been keeping busy with tennis, rock climbing, biking and running. New CL friends and old standby friends. With the Bachelorette, BBQs and hiking. I leave the office at 4, but still don't get home until after 8. The sun doesn't set until 9pm these days. We've gone 12 days without a drop of rain. There is potential for perfection in these days.


There is nothing I have to do, but I can't just relax. If I am not doing something, I'm wasting away the potential perfection. But it seems like such an effort to keep myself busy, nothing comes easy.

I convinced 2 sets of friends that they should have me over to BBQ this weekend. There is nothing better than hamburgers on the grill 2 nights in a row! I went hiking with the Teacher and the Cheesehead on Saturday. I ran for over an hour on Sunday morning.


And then I was stuck. I wanted to bike to Woodinville but my bike has been acting up and I was afraid of an episode when I was 20 miles from home. I wanted to go to the beach and read my book in the sun, but the high clouds meant there wasn't much sun. I wanted to go for a hike, but don't trust my solo navigation skills on the snow. I didn't mind being alone for the first time all weekend, but didn't know what to do with myself. I would have enjoyed some company, but was hoping for someone else to initiate - to make me feel loved.


I spent a couple of hours on the phone (yes, hours!) talking with my girls in Copenhagen and Boston. I did minimal damage strolling the aisles of Target. I read in the backyard, despite the lack of sun. I made a big dinner (tacos!) and went to bed early. It felt like a day wasted with a lot of nothingness.

I'm not complaining about having nothing to do. I don't want to spend my weekends in the office. But too much free time makes me antsy.


PS - I really ought to be careful what I wish for as crunch time hits for the 2 papers and poster presentation that I have been putting off forever!


PPS - I'm going to be in Europe in 1 month!

Girl Date #3 The Upstater

**The backstory**

I had seen the Upstater's (as in Upstate NY - like me! - although she was really from what I would call downstate and moved to Washington when she was 7, yet still pointed out that she was originally from Upstate NY. Go figure?) own post on CL the day before, but before I could respond it had expired. So I was kind of excited when she responded to mine. There was very little chit-chat in our email conversations and she got right to the point - the meet-up. She took control of that - her first suggestion was too far for me to easily get to after school, so I suggested closer and she countered with some place else in the same vicinity. I'm not sure why my suggestion wasn't good enough?!

Regardless, I was anxious to meet her.

It was pretty much a let down.

Not unlike the planning, she took control of the entire date. She said we were fine with water (actually, I'd like a margarita on the rocks please - I've had a rough day.), suggested we split nachos while the waiter taking our order (nothing against nachos), and then dominated the whole conversation. If you could call it a conversation. She talked a lot, I listened and nodded. I talked a little, she listened and nodded.

It wasn't all bad though. She was a traveler, which I found pretty darn interesting. She worked summers at a resort on the east coast - socking her money away and then spent the winter wandering through South America and Asia. 4 to 5 months of traveling at a time - a dream come true! I could have probably listened to her talk for hours about these trips (although there is no way in hell I could have been on one of these trips with her - can you imagine not being able to make a single decision for yourself for months on end because controlled all the details?!).

In true "I need to be in control" fashion, she abruptly got up from the table and announced she had to use the restroom (just seconds after checked a text on her phone). Back at the table we had finished our food (and had no drinks to linger over), so she thought it best to call it a night. I think she just wanted to get back home before American Idol started.

The whole thing seemed rather like a business transaction.

She kind of indicted that we seemed to get along well. I kind of fibbed and indicated that I thought so too. I didn't see myself calling or emailing her anytime soon. It has been a couple of weeks and I haven't heard from her either.

No love lost.

Girl Date #2 The Teacher

**The backstory**


After being disappointed by Girl Date #1, I tried to remain hopeful for the second date, planned later that day. I met The Teacher at a microbrewery close to my house. We had a beer and shared some appetizers, and talked for 2 hours straight.

It was great – we jumped from one topic to the next with hardly a moment of silence. We talked jobs, boys, college days, and what we were looking for in friends. She is outgoing, active (although more gym active than climb mountains active), already has a circle of friends but just looking to expand it, and smart. I can’t guarantee that we will become the best of friends, but I can certainly see myself enjoying time spent with her in the future.

The verdict... successful Girl Date!

Girl Date #1 The Adventurous One

**The backstory**

The Adventurous One and I had been emailing pretty regularly before we met. She is a bit younger (25) but seemed to be really active - and works a large outdoor co-op that you’ve probably heard of (cool perks!). We became facebook “friends” right away, which is actually pretty nice because it lets you get more of a feel for a person pretty easily (especially if they are rather active on facebook). Anyway – we had plenty to email about and seemed to get along well electronically.

Our “date” was scheduled for Sunday and included a trip to the aquarium and then food/drinks on the waterfront. Parking downtown is never easy so I sent her a text saying I was here, just looking for a parking spot. No response, hmmm… Once I made it to the aquarium I sent another text… I’m sitting on the bench out front. 15 minutes later I went for a walk down the waterfront. Then up to the market. We did change the meeting time last minute. Maybe she forgot? I gave her the benefit of the doubt meandered back to the aquarium at the first meeting time. Still no short, peppy, blonde girl in sight… WTF?!?!

I went home kind of, sort of pissed. What if we were supposed to meet on Saturday and I turned down a sailing trip (did I mention I went sailing on Saturday - So!Much!Fun!) for a no-show? I guess I should expect flakes on craigslist, but I she seemed super enthusiastic. And come on, we were FB “friends”!!

The Adventurous One remained MIA all Sunday, but early Monday morning I had an email from her. Her car was broken into overnight and her backpack (containing her phone and laptop) was stolen. After dealing with the cops, it was too late to catch me. I’m trying not to be totally naïve, but I believe her. What do you think?

(Despite asking for your opinion here, we do actually have tentative plans for the weekend if my trip to Vancouver falls through. Speaking of it - this damn trip to Vancouver is ridiculously annoying,)

Another Experiment. This One of the Social Variety.

Fueled by a desire to take matters into my own hands, and a slight obsession with craigslist, I went out on a limb decided to see if it was possible to make normal friends on craigslist.

Yes, I posted my own ad in the “strictly platonic” section. Looking to broaden my social circle, I was interested in meeting girls who were into typical Seattle outdoorsy stuff like running, hiking, skiing… and also interested in getting together to go to the movies, grab a drink, get ice cream, or make dinner at home and sit around having good conversation. I mentioned that I probably wouldn’t connect well with people who engage in the work-eat-watch tv-sleep-repeat lifestyle.

Since last Sunday, I’ve had 16 responses. I deleted 2 (the nice thing about writing the ad, is you are completely anonymous and if you don’t want to return the email – you don’t have too!) – one carbon copied me on a email where she responded to other ads (seriously?) and one didn’t impress me with her email. Otherwise I think I am willing to give everyone else a chance, although I'm still pondering some.

So, with 14 potential friends left, I thought the whole process would make for interesting blogging.

This whole thing is funny. It is kind of like online dating, but I'm allowed to walk out of the whole process with multiple friends as opposed to just one boyfriend. My schedule is actually pretty full these next couple of weeks, so it has been a bit of a chore scheduling these “girl dates” as KC called them.

So, let the craigslist experiment begin!

Links to my “dates” (to be updated as they happen)
Girl Date #1 The Adventurous One
Girl Date #2 The Teacher
Girl Date #3 The Upstater
Girl Date #4 The Cheesehead
Girl Date #5 The Tutor
Girl Date #6 The Aussie
Girl Date #7 The Triathelete
Girl Date #8 The New Yorker
Girl Date #8 The Artist
Girl Date #9 The Newbie
Girl Date #10 The DD
Girl Date #11 The Neighbor
Girl Date #12 The Bus Girl
Girl Date #13 The Law Student

I was looking for someone to run with. He was looking for someone to drink with.

Random, but I went on a date last night.

Saturday I was bummed, I finally had some time to chill and was basically smacked in the face with the fact that most my friends royally suck these days. OK, that isn’t nice. True… but still not nice. Where did all my awesome friends go? (Answer: Boston, Copenhagen, Asshole-land, Boyfriend-ville…). After a good cry into my pillow (my go-to when it comes to tears), I finally had formulated what I was upset about. I want people in my life that take initiative – initiative to do things, initiative to have fun, initiative to not wait for someone else to make the plans. I wasn’t looking for a wild and crazy night, unless you consider renting movies and eating popcorn too much to handle. Of the various excuses, one took home the prize: “I went to the eye doctor this morning (approximately 10 hours prior to movie time) and had my eyes dilated so I think I want to stay close to home.” WTF?! I’m not asking you to read the NYT to me under bright lights or something. And I live 10 freaking blocks away. Whatever.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and find some new fun friends with initiative. Via Craigslist. Yeah, that could be trouble. Sticking to the “Strictly Platonic” section, I sought out females (between the ages of 28 and 33) looking for other females to hang out with. I came across one post that sounded promising and sent a cheerful email her way. Not finding much else out there in the way of new BFFs, I headed over to “Men Seeking Women,” mainly in search of a laugh.

Between

“Looking for a pantyhose lover to hang out with. C'mon. I'm a cool guy, and normal, too. Just looking for a woman that likes to wear pantyhose. I enjoy looking at women that wear pantyhose. There's gotta be a match out there somewhere, right?”

and

“Anyone want to make out today? I'm off, so anytime is fine. Not looking for more than cuddling up and kissing for a while. Age not important, you need to host, or be up for meeting somewhere. Lets trade pics and get kissing soon... “

I actually found a guy that sounded pretty good on paper.

Smart/dorky? Check.
Active? Check.
Confident? Check.
Good looking? Check.

Initiative? Man, I hope so.

He wanted to grab a drink that night, but I was in my pjs, drinking a bottle, err glass, of wine, getting ready to watch a cheesy romantic comedy with my roomie. But I took the plunge, sending him an email (with pictures attached) saying I had plans for the evening, but would be interested in a drink some other time.

So there we were – Sunday evening, enjoying one of my favorite happy hours, sitting at a table with a killer view overlooking the water. Three hours of conversation flew by and all expectations were exceeded. We said goodbye in the parking lot, both saying we’d have to do it again once I finished up with my finals and got back from conference in Oregon. I meant it. I thought he did too.

I drove home with a smile. Thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

But then the girl in me started to analyze.

#1 We split the bill. Call me old-fashion, but I like it when the guy pays, especially when on a first date (I mean it was a date, right?). Even when dating someone, I’m much more a fan of – you pay this time, I’ll pay next time – it makes it feel more, I don’t know, special? This is a tough one to call – did he want to give off the vibe that he wasn’t feeling it? Is he cheap? Did he not want to offend me in case I was a feminist or something?

#2 The goodbye wasn't totally natural. I don’t know what I would have wanted – a kiss would have been overkill and I don’t do hugs (but he doesn’t know that). He did however put his hand on my shoulder when making a point about something moments before we parted ways. Hmmm… good right?

#3 He hasn’t emailed today to say he had a good time. I think I said I’d get in touch with him when I am back in town, but that doesn’t mean he can’t initiate contact before that, right? I feel like I have been bombarded with the idea that if a guy really likes you or wants to see you again, he is going to make a point to let you know. That the 3 day rule is so passé. In the past I’d have no problem sending him an email saying that I had fun and was looking forward to seeing him again, but after being completely unaware of how my last boyfriend truly felt about our relationship, I’m really going to need some positive, blatant reinforcement in the next relationship.

#4 He said in his post that he “would be thrilled if there was a spark,” but was also content to just make friends outside of his current circle. I said I wasn’t looking too hard for a new relationship, but wasn’t not looking either. How do I know if he thinks there is potential for the spark, or if he has already ruled it out?

#5 He might be too “water” and I might be too “mountains.” I’m getting way ahead of myself here (unconscious sabotage anyone?) but his job requires him to be near the ocean. My personal requirement for a future job is easy access to the mountains. He loves to surf like I love to ski. But maybe I should wait for Date #2 to worry about this one, huh?

So what do you guys think? I’m hesitant to talk about this with any of my (non-internet based) friends because then it becomes a little more real. I’ve been holding on to my past relationship as a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt again, and while I know I need to move on – I’m scared. Scared, but hopeful.

I just need to chill, right?

Oh – and the potential new BFF? No word from her (and her post is gone). It was like a 50 word email. Did I really come off that uncool in so few words?

Skype Me

It takes 9-1/2 hours to fly to Copenhagen, compared to the 9-1/2 minute run that used to separate KC and I. While I miss picking her up in the morning, our long runs, 2-hour lunch breaks on the lawn behind our building, and so much more - I don't know what I'd do with out our little therapy sessions.

(Funny how the two of us can sound so sane when giving the other advice, yet so crazy when trying to figure out our own lives!)

While I would probably pay ridicules amounts to talk to KC while she is away, Skype is my hero.

Seriously. It is really cool. We talked today for an hour. For FREE!

We talked last week, when I was wearing a really cute new outfit, and I was able to give her a live fashion show via web cam.

It is like she is just down the road again. Not thousands of miles away.

Have you tried it?!?!?

Now if only Skype could help us "run" together...

Why We Have Friends

To say things which make you feel better, such as:

"They just met you and wanted to make out with you, they got to know her and still don't want to."

What am I going to do when KC heads to Denmark next month!?!?

Ahhh, the drama continues... T-minus 8 days until Boston returns to Seattle.

An Unsent Email to Laura

L-
OK so I hate feeling like a pooper all the time and complaining, but there are really only 2 people that I feel like I can really be myself with, pathetic-ness and all. I guess I wanted to bring it up on the phone the other day, but it is just awkward to start talking about it, and then I regretted not doing so because I knew I'd probably feel better if I did.

I've been doing better. I've been so busy with school and have met some new people. But now that it gets closer to Boston potentially coming back, I'm just sinking back down. I have my moments, but in general the whole situation has been out of my mind, until recently. I hate not being in control of what is happening. I hate being reminded about how I fcked up. I hate being reminded how The Boy hurt me and how everything with Boston parallels that - and I was so stupid to fall for it again. I hate it when people (including him) tell me that he does care about me because why did someone who cares about me continue to make decisions that hurt me again and again. I'm sick of people telling me that I should start dating, or that I'll want to start dating soon enough - because I don't want to, not now and it doesn't feel like ever. I was happy when I was single, and then when I did open up and let someone(s) into my life, they walked all over me, so why would I want to do it again? I hate that Seattle is such a fcking small city. I hate the fact that while I have been slowly moving in a positive direction, there is the potential out there that I am going to knocked back on my ass, again. And I can't do anything about it He seems to be awful good at kicking me again and again when I am down - to the point where I just cringe and expect it to happen again. I hate that if he told me he made a mistake, I'd take him back (not immediately or unconditionally, but I still do believe in what we had).

I want to not miss you so much. I want to not feel guilty telling you that. I want to feel like myself again. I want to not feel so needy, Or so helpless. I know in time I'll be okay, but I want to be ok now.

I hate to tell you all this because I can't imagine it is fun to read. You don't even really have to respond - just telling you takes some of the burden off me because I don't feel like I am hiding everything. I hate putting you in an awkward position because I know he is your friend. But he smashed me into what feels like a million pieces and I don't feel like I can put it all back together without help. and no one knows me better than you.

I love you. and I miss you. And I'm seriously counting down the days till I see you in June. We are going running everyday. And you're making pizza. And we are going to trivia. You better be getting excited, because I sure as hell am.

-k

(I decided it is best to re-evaluate in the morning, and decide if I really want to send this.)

What a Welcome Back

I arrived home late Thursday night after an exhausting 21 hours of travel. I'm a little bit tanner, a little bit poorer, and on all accounts had an interesting experience in Cyprus. I'm sorting through the pictures (as expected there are many, like 400+) and reliving the experience in my mind before I share with others. Soon though, I promise.

My welcome home wasn't so pleasant. Another slap in the face is certainly not what I was expecting to come home to. I've thought it couldn't get any worse numerous times, yet it continues to.

Another lie, this one exposed by facebook. Yeah, I'm still his "friend". But even if I hadn't seen it myself, KC saw it and was so enraged that she would have told me. What are the chances that my two ex-boyfriends (who have never met) would lie about spending time with the same person? Seriously, is this for real?

I don't think of myself as an angry person. Emotional? Yes. But angry, not so much. Yet I cannot even describe the level of anger I felt when I saw Boston tagged in her photo of a climb that he was supposedly doing by himself. A climb that we talked about doing together in the past but now he needed some time by himself and didn't want me to come. He wanted to be alone. Had he been standing in front of me when I realized the truth, I might have hit him (and I am certainly not a violent person). He got lucky, I waited an hour before sending him an email. Then of course I realized that he has 1/2 days on Fridays (and I am not sure where he is living, let alone if he has internet at home), therefore probably won't receive it until Monday morning.

I held it together for a while. Jet-lag gave me an excuse to crawl into bed early on Friday. On Saturday, KC and I met for a long lunch where we recovered from the withdrawal associated with 2 weeks apart (honestly, I can't even explain how much better I felt after spending a few hours with her). Last night I "Do Did the Puyallup" with Lan and her hubby. It was my first time to Fair since becoming a Seattlite 7 years ago, and while I now say Puyallup correctly, I don't think I'll need to head back there anytime soon. Although the elephant ears certainly didn't disappoint!

But this morning I lost it. I woke up crying, I don't know if I was dreaming about the situation or what, but before I knew it, the tears rolling down my cheeks became full out sobs. I struggled to catch my breath and reached for the phone. Despite often feeling hesitant to discuss with her about my situation with Boston in the past, I knew Laura was the person I needed right then.

Two hours later, I felt better. Not all better, but better. Laura actually knew he had gone with her. Which of course puts Laura in an awful position yet again, and makes me resent her slightly from keeping something like this from me (I do understand her dilemma, not knowing if she should tell me or not, but this isn't the first time it has happened and it always makes me wonder what else she knows that I don't). Not trying to defend or make excuses for him, Laura vaguely explained how the whole thing happened and that Boston knew it was inappropriate. TOf course that doesn't make it all better, although now I know some of what I said in my email will really hit home.

One last phone call to him is in order. (Laura even agrees - how often does your best friend agree it is okay to call your ex?!?!) There are things to be said. He just doesn't get it - life, relationships (romantic or not), honesty, responsibility. I don't think he actually realizes what he did wrong. That when he realized that he didn't see a future with me in February, yet kept dating me until May (and would have continued to date me if I hadn't initiated the conversation about our future), I went from being his girlfriend, to being the friend he was sleeping with (only I didn't know it). And then he continued to lie, often telling me what he thought I wanted to hear instead of the truth, leading me to the point where I have to doubt everything he ever said to me - when you whispered "Goodnight Sweetie" before kissing me on the forehead every night, what did you really mean...

I want to tell him that he should stay in Boston, that he isn't wanted in Seattle (in some small (sick) way, I know that I actually do have some influence on his final decision). I want to tell him that if he does move, that my friends are mine and he needs to leave them alone.

I don't want to get back together with him. I am not secretly hoping that he can apologize and make it up to me, before we live happily ever after. He is messed up. He has problems that I can't fix. That I don't want to fix. But that doesn't mean that I have any easier of a time getting out of bed and putting a smile on my face.

Today, there isn't a cloud in the sky - one of those last perfect days before the rain sets in for months and months. I feel guilty for not being outside (although my knee STILL hurts and not being able to run or bike or hike is KILLING me!), and instead I want to stay holed up in my bed. There are groceries to buy (although the thought of food makes me want to vomit), resumes to update (I am applying for a part-time teaching gig), bedrooms to clean (well just one), but I don't want to do any of it.

Laura told me it is okay to stay in bed all day. In fact, she kinda wants to do it too (the transition to Boston hasn't been that easy for her so far). So if Laura tells me it is okay, maybe I'll listen to her. She is my best friend for a reason.

Drunk. And Tired.

(Author's Note: Tonight really isn't tonight. It is Friday night. But because blogger now lets you blog in advance, I can still "post" even though I am really soaking up the sun right now.)

The plan was to go out tonight. To enjoy the pacific northwest's finest brews. To stay out late tonight. Because my 10-hour flight leaves at 1pm (not bedtime) and arrives in Amsterdam at 8 am (wake up time).

Although I was tempted to stay home and watch the end of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.

Well, I went out. And I drank. But I came home early. Because the friends I was with were a) mountain biking all day, b) up and out of bed at 5am thing morning (craaazy!), or c) lame. So I am back home, a bit tipsy, with nothing to do. But blog!

But at least they bought my beers. One for the Greek Cypriots. One for the Turkish Cypriots. And one for the masters degree (that whole margin debacle sorted it self out and I was approved for my degree - yay!) Yeah, almost drunk after just 3 beers. Sad.

Packing today. It was interesting. I had to plan my "business" outfits based on the heels I could wear without further damaging my heels - meaning one pair of brown wedges. And then I had to being 3 other pairs of shoes for the rest of the trip. 4 pairs of shoes for a 2-week trip, from the girl that brought 2 pairs on a 7-week trip. I blame it all on the knee!

But the bags are packed, (I'm ready to go. I'm standing here outside your door).

And now I am rambling... And I am sure this post is fascinating.

Looking Forward

A lot of tears were shed this weekend when my friends left. As sad as I was, it was almost a relief for them to have finally departed. I had been building up this moment for months and the anticipation was possibly the hardest part. I don't think it will really all hit me until I am up for a last minute run, or a home cooked meal and a movie, or just need someone to talk to face-to-face. That is when I'll really miss Laura - the girl who was an anchor of my life in Seattle and who made the past 5 years more than I could ever ask for.

But I know I can't wallow around forever. So without further ado - the list of things to look forward to:

01. Finishing my masters degree. Even though I have 4 more years here, it will be such a great feeling of accomplishment.

02. Climbing Mt. St. Helen's. I attempted this 4 years ago with Laura actually. But sleet, fog, and miserable attitudes caused us to turn back before the summit (not like we would have had a view or anything).

03. Cyprus. I NEED a vacation, and what is better than a vacation where the plane ticket is paid for by school!?!?

04. New friends. I recently met Kacy, who I felt instantly at ease with, and we are going to see Mamma Mia! this week.

05. The countdown to my 30th birthday. Wait!?! I'm looking forward to that?

This Week

I knew this week was coming.
I’ve tried to pretend it wasn’t.
It is Laura’s last week in Seattle.

I cried to KC this morning.
I cried in front of my officemates this afternoon.
I want to go home, get in bed, and cry some more.

But I have so much to do.
Deadlines at school.
And more deadlines at school.
Unpacking from my weekend trip.
Cleaning and prepping for the going away party on Friday.
Spending my last few evenings with her.
I can’t focus on anything.

I’m no longer talking to Boston.
I told him I didn’t want to see or speak to him again.
I was lying
I want him to make me feel better.
Because I know he can.
He knows just what to say.

I want Laura to stay in Seattle.
I want Boston to say he is sorry.
I want things to go back to how they were when I was happy.

Black to Grey

Despite suggestions from several friends that it might not be the right time, I met with Boston last night to talk. 3-1/2 hours of honest conversation, led to the following analogy:

We are reading the same book. We are on the same chapter, maybe even the same page, although maybe not the same line, which is ok because people read at different speeds and we are both reading in the same directly. But unfortunately the book is due at the library and we haven’t gotten quite far enough in to figure out if we want to buy it ourselves. So we have to return it, but we will always wonder how it ends.

We are going to work on being friends.

The black clouds have turned into a grey day. Still not sunshine, but we are getting there.

A Godsend

I was raised Catholic and attended a Catholic university. I believe in the premises of Christianity and understand the value of religion. Despite disagreeing with some of the beliefs of the Catholic Church and rarely attending mass nowadays, I still deep down consider myself a Catholic. I believe that at some point (probably when I have kids) I'll return to the Church.

That being said, I am more of a "free will" believer (as I think a good majority of Catholics are) than that of the "God will provide" mentality.

But it is hard to not think that Lan's arrival is not a Godsend. With my recent breakup, and more so the impending move of my best friend (who has made the past 5 years more meaningful than I could ever ask for), it is hard to not feel like my world is crumbling down around me. I haven't seen her yet. But I know she is here. Living just 10 measly blocks away (an 8 minute walk - I've timed it).

While she will never replace Laura, it is good to know that at a time when I don't feel like I can trust anyone, someone I cherish from my past has just walked back into my life.

A Godsend.

Splitting Assets (Otherwise Known as Friends)

While sharing the stove with my roommate and his girlfriend last night, I broke the news that Boston and I had parted ways. I hadn’t seen my roommate in days, and it just so happened that he randomly ran into Boston showing two friends, from Boston, around this weekend (awkward meeting given that my roomie had no idea about the split and made a joke about Boston moving to Seattle).

Hearing the story sent my mind spinning. I know he is not my boyfriend anymore and I am not privy to all the details of his life, but friends coming into town? I talked to him Tuesday… when did this happen? Frantically I called Laura, starting the conversation with “I know I shouldn’t ask but…” She sheepishly admitted that she knew he had friends in town, a guy from the track team and his girlfriend, on a last minute weekend trip... because she and Max went over there for a few hours on Saturday night (she was on the track team too). She claims it was really just because the friend is in the same line of work as Max, who is trying to find a job for when they move to Boston in a few months, but I hardly doubt they spent the entire evening ignoring Boston.

I know they are his friend too. But I don’t want them to be. I don’t want them to talk to him or spend time with him, or make him feel better. I want him to see how if you mess with me, you mess with my friends (meaning you know longer have friends in this damn city). I don’t want him to get off easy, clearing his conscious knowing Laura is taking care of me because he asked her to. I don’t want him to ask questions about how I’m doing, if he wants to know he should stop being such a chicken shit and call me. I don’t want to know that there are things Laura isn’t telling me. I don't want my friends to be uncomfortable being stuck in the middle.

I don’t want to share my friends. They are mine and I need them to be there for me right now. He doesn’t deserve them.

I’m jealous that they all get to reunite in damn Boston in August. And right now I am wasting my last bit of time with my friends because I am a mess, courtesy of him.

I hate fucking Boston – the city (no offense if you live or have lived there).

(Obviously I’m having a bad day which makes me think and act like a spoiled brat.)

E-Therapy

I was going to show you all pictures from yesterday’s (as in the FIRST OF MAY) snowshoeing (yes, you read me right, SNOWSHOEING) adventure, but seeing as I left my camera cord at home as I rushed out of the house this morning, that will have to wait.

Instead, I’ll just treat you to another look inside my wacked out mind. You know, the one that is filled with constant dwelling over some (often pointless) aspect of my little ole life.

Today's Episode: “OMG – maybe she is right, maybe I don’t spend enough time with my friends?!?!”

It is 2:15 on Friday afternoon and I don’t have a single plan for the weekend in place. Sometimes that is the best feeling in the world. Other times, like right now, it freaks me out.

I worry about the little things, like the fact that I need to do a 10-mile run, but I don’t know if I should do it on Saturday or Sunday. And it affects if I should run tonight or not (no, if I am doing my long run on Saturday).

And I worry about the big (or so I think) things… I casually mentioned to Boston to give me a call later if he wanted to hang tonight (he has half-day Friday so is done for the week). Now I am just waiting till I can start my weekend. And waiting to see if we are going to spend the evening together. Waiting, and thinking…

I’ll most likely hang out with him, and Max and Laura on Saturday night. Should I just have made other plans, without him, for tonight even though he is who I’d most enjoy spending the evening with?

OK, so if I was going to make plans with someone, who would it be? “Me-time” is not a valid answer.

Laura is hanging out with the in-laws. KC is back in NY for the week. Shell probably has plans already that involve drinking heavily, staying up late, and/or dancing. Kristy hardly ever leaves the suburbs anymore and goes to bed before 9. I’m still bothered by this whole issue with LP and find it awkward to spend time with her. BMG has the flu (and it a boy and won't drink wine with me). Lan won’t be here few a few more weeks. Ummm… that is typically the extent of those I would hang out with one-on-one. Do I need to find more friends?

I mean, I could just call Shell, or Kristy, or even LP (if I got up the nerve). But I probably won’t. Is that bad? I want to spend time with all of them. But I also want to spend time with Boston. And calling up one if them seems like so much more effort than just waiting for Boston to call me.

Maybe I should try and be a bit more social.

But can it wait until Monday?

Single vs. Coupled Up

My relationship with a friend of mine has been strained since I’ve started dating Boston. She is so focused on the divide between being single and being in a relationship, that it often makes people feel uncomfortable. Now being on the opposite side of the dividing line from her, I’ve felt uncomfortable and I think it makes me pull away from her.

From her perspective she thinks I spend all my free time with Boston (or so I think, we haven’t spoken about this). I feel like I have to justify myself and prove that I don’t. I’m busy with school and running, cherish my alone time, do love spending time with Boston, and more importantly love spending time with people who are happy and positive (and make me feel happy and positive).

So, she has come up with this idea of a singles cooking club. I don’t know the nitty-gritty details since I wasn’t invited, but from listening to her talk about it several times in my presence, I’m still not sure if the purpose is to have an opportunity to cook for a group since cooking alone/for one is a pain, or to be some sort of “dating service.” All I know is that if you go on more than 5 dates with someone, you are booted because you are no longer considered single. 4 dates… you are ok, but that 5th… you’re out of here.

My initial thoughts were the former (and if it is the latter, I think that a little lame, especially considering that most of these *singles* hang out together already in our social circle that includes couples too), which left me feeling left out. I may have a boyfriend, but I don’t live with him and I am far from married to him. I can count the number of times we’ve cooked together (and by cooked together I mean that I cook and he puts the dishes in the dishwasher) on one hand. We have busy schedules, rarely putting each other in the same place around dinnertime. I’m not Martha in the kitchen, and he has no interest in learning how to cook. So when it comes to making meals, I’m in no different of a situation than any other “single” person.

Last night, as she is talking about it in front of me again, I finally said something. Something to the effect of “I don’t think it is cool that there is such a distinction between single people and couples. I have the same problems preparing meals for myself as any of you.” I don’t remember the exact response (honestly, it took a lot for me to actually say something instead of just stewing over it in my head so I really wasn’t focusing on what she said, just that I had said something first), but she said something like this: “You can come, you just can’t bring Boston. I don’t want it to become a couple-thing.” I just muttered that I didn’t want to come if I wasn’t wanted at and walked away. Fuming, of course. First, don’t tell me I can’t bring my boyfriend, who by the way also typically cooks (used loosely) by himself. And second, how is it going to be a “couple-thing” if 2 out of 10 people at the dinner are dating? I’m pretty sure “you” have got “us” outnumbered.

I don’t live this couple-centric life. I have a boyfriend – that is nothing to be ashamed of – and still spend time with those who don’t. Boston and I have the same friends, what are we supposed to do, trade off who goes to what social event so we don’t go together all the time? I’ve been single (without being ashamed of it) and have had no problem spending time with my non-single friends. Boston and I do double dates with my best friends (who are married to each other), but both him and I played the third wheel (without any self confidence issues) to them before we started dating so it is only natural.

It is a combination of apathy over her own self-confidence issues (which I’ve had to deal with before) and distaste for drama and confrontation that makes me continue to stew over it in my head (which just fires me up more) instead of telling her straight up how I feel. It is ridicules, especially considering I am way too busy to be part of this cooking club anyway!

The Deceptions of Craigs.list

Lan was one of the first friends I made in college. We bonded over marathon gossip sessions over dinner in the dining hall and late night study sessions. We haven't been as close are we would have liked in the years since college, but that is all about to change because she is moving to Seattle next month!!

Her and her husband were in town this past weekend, looking for houses. They had pretty much settled on one, when another which seemed to be to good to be true* popped up. It was large (important when moving from a large house with lots of furniture), had hardwoods (important when you have a dog), was convenient to both her and her husband's new jobs, and had AMAZING views of the bay from above Alki. From the pictures on the ad and the pictures the landlord sent, it looked like a gem!

Until I drove over last night to check it out. So I'll give them one thing, the views were AMAZING:


A huge deck spread across the entire back of the house and looked over the bay and the city. But that was about all it had to offer. Besides...

Textured pink wallpaper in all 3 bedrooms:

And even in the bathroom. Which also comes with pink carpeting. Ooh, think of all the germy things hiding out in that carpet. Oh joy:

Love the wood paneling and sark green shag carpet in the office! (Sorry for the blurry shot):

I didn't take a picture of the red-carpeted stairs, the miniscule closets, or the jug of carlo rossi in the fridge, but I think you get the picture!

Needless to say, despite the views, Lan and her hubby will not be moving into this charming home. But have no fear, instead they will be moving 6 blocks from me!!! How fun!

*Lesson learned: When something seems to good to be true, it probably is!