Out with the Old, In with the New

So who is ready to kick The Boy* to the curb and talk about some new boys?!? Oooh, oooh, oooh, me, me, me!

#1 – The Chilean. He is the one cute boy in my one class this quarter, but until this week our relationship solely consisted of me looking lustfully in his direction when I should have been paying attention in class. But we had a double session this week were we played a game and he was on my team. After a lot of playful conversation, I offered him a ride home last night (he accepted) and now he is coming to lunch with me and some of my friends next week. Things we like about The Chilean: he is tall, dark and handsome, his accent makes me swoon, and he is smart.

#2 – The Boy Who Never Talks. Last year, my bestest school friend and I would always see him in the hall and he never ever peeped a hello. If we were lucky, we might get a nod. I finally talked to him earlier this quarter when out at a department happy hour (that is the key, get him liquored up and he’ll talk?), but I haven’t seen him once since then! How am I supposed to continue this hallway love affair when he is never in the hallway?!? Things we like about The Boy Who Never Talks: he is mysterious and he is a blond/blue eyed cutie.

#3 – Boston. I’ve been keeping him a secret for a long time. We actually met in early September, at a wedding in – yup, Boston. And then conveniently he moved to Seattle 2 weeks later (damn, I’m good!). We’ve been hanging out on a regular basis – camping, beers, shuffleboard, beers, hiking, beers. You get the picture. I have a crush on Boston because he is everything I would describe my ideal man to be – tall, a runner/skier/camper/hiker, smart, funny, social, considerate, and generous. But he is also only in Seattle for a year for a temporary assignment. Boo! Things we like about Boston: his “ideal” status and that I have a great time whenever I am with him.

It is great! These imaginary relationships are so much easier to maintain than real ones. And you can have more than one man at once! What more could you ask for (well, besides a piece of a** every once and a while)?

* Just to keep you posted, I did sent, not one, but two emails to respond to The Boy. Whoops! No more emails from him though so maybe I finally got through. I’ll admit it, it is bittersweet.

Psycho Girl Side May Also Be Psychic

K--

I got your package. Thanks. Are things that bad where you can't respond to an email?

- The Boy

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I wrote the first two sentences of my thesis. They aren't necessarily the true first two sentences and both not make the final cut come March, BUT I have something (anything) on paper. In case you are interested:

"As global trade continues to increase and sup.ply chains lengthen, companies in all sectors of the economy are facing increased vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities exist in all links of the sup.ply chain, including the transportation network which moves goods from origin to destination."

Exciting, huh? Actually, recent news (such as a 20-mile closure of a major freeway in Washington due to flooding - see the pictures on the right, crazy!) highlight the relevancy of my research topic. (Oh btw, all is dry here... we had a bit of minor flooding in the basement, but no one, or no thing washed away.)

The Bad: I had to seriously restrain myself from sending an email to The Boy. It was going to be disguised as a "I'm just telling you I sent you your pants so you don't think I am completely ignoring you" email, when I know full well that they most likely arrived yesterday, and I just wanted to write to see if he wrote back. Thankfully the sane side of my brain is too smart for the psycho girl side of my brain, and quickly nixed that idea. Sane side did let psycho girl side draft an email to get it out of its system - which was promptly deleted. Psycho girl side is still anal about checking my email every two seconds to see if he is going to respond that he got the pants, but that is as far as it goes. Just checked. No email.

The Ugly: I cut myself some bangs last night. Don't worry, they really aren't ugly (although knowing my haircutting skills, it could have ended up that way).I've been growing them out since July but I missed them. No regrets. Yet.

Really? Are You Serious? (Part 2)

I did manage to pull myself together and enjoy my holiday party on Saturday night. As the evening was winding down, only my close friends remained and we all gathered around in the living room first playing C*tch Phrase, then just joking around.

My friend, Drew, and I were laughing our asses off at sassy text messages from LP in Portland, who was wishing she was at the party with us. In the midst of this text message blitz, I received one from a number I didn't recognize.

(12:23 am)
206-779-XXXX: How are you?
me: Who are you?
206-779-XXXX: Good.
me: No, WHO are you?
(pause in text message action)
206-779-XXXX: Bike Boy
me: Oh, I deleted your # from my phone so I was confused. Confused and a bit drunk.
206-779-XXXX: You been good?

*Phone is stolen by Drew because he is mad that I am no longer laughing about LP's messages with him.*

20 minutes later...

me: Sorry, phone was stolen and has just been recovered. I'm good...

End of Conversation.

WTF!?!? Random! Why is he texting me out of the blue?

BACKSTORY: Bike Boy and I hooked up after the last party at my house, the day of the last email from The Boy (deja vu?). We then went on a few dates (for lack of a better word), and made out some more. I thought it was going well. I wanted something casual, something to make me feel good. He wanted something casual, he was making me feel good. Then one day he just starts brushing me off: taking forever to respond to text messages and never picking up the phone when I called and then responding via text. I got the picture fast, and was pissed. I didn't care so much about him. He is really hott and fun to be with, but not a total catch or someone you'd want to be with for the long haul. But I just thought it was really rude to just totally diss me like that, without at least saying hey - I think we should just be friends or something. Being our mutual friend, BMG got in the middle of it (and hated every moment of it) but validated my arguement, saying that he thought Bike Boy was being immature, didn't handle it well, and actually really misinterpreted what I wanted out of the relationship anyway (what he wanted and what I wanted were actually rather compatiable). I got over it, forgot it... But on that fateful night, I sent Bike Boy a handful of drunken text messages, which lead to me deleting his number so that never happened again.

Fast-forward to this weekend... Booty call? Why else would he randomly text me on a Saturday night when I know he was drunk (he was out with BMG, who had been over earlier) and he suspected I was drunk. Guess he realized he'd probably get denied when I admitted that I had deleted his number. Ha! I just wish I could have actually said - been there, done that, won't do it again... No word from him since though.

OK, so I will admit to you ladies, and you ladies only, that I was glad that I had a houseful of friends with me, and a friend spending the night, so I wasn't tempted to act on this whole attempted booty call. I did think about it - I can't help it, I was in a vulnerable place and as far as booty calls go, it would have been good! But once again, thank goodness for friends.

It all makes for a funny story, which is often what I feel my life is all about. Ahhh.

SWEATPANTS UPDATE: I mailed them to him this afternoon. No email, no note in the package - just the pants. He should get them tomorrow or the next day. I feel very content with this decision. It shows I read his email and was respectful enough to return what was his, but don't want to talk to him and didn't give him any insight into my current state of well-being. I am happy to have that behind me, and will just make damn sure I look my best on Friday in case I happen to run into him. Let's hope I don't though, ok?

Really? Are You Serious? (Part 1)

His timing is impeccable. I don't know why I even checked my email one last time before turning off my computer. Once I saw the email from him, I couldn't not open it, despite the fact that a party was looming in the immediate future. His last email, which upset me more than I care to admit, was also just hours before a party I was hosting. What did he have to say, you ask?

K--
I have looked for your PE book in all my stuff that is in my house. I can't find it. I thought you took it back, but if you didn't, then it must have been packed away in storage. When the weather is better I will find it and return it (the storage is outside). Speaking of the weather, it is cold in eastern Washington and I am once again wearing sweatpants. You never responded if you still wore mine. Do you? If you don't, I would like them back. I am planning on being in Seattle in a week and would like to pick them up if they are not being used. If you are wearing them, though, I do not need them back. Sorry for breaking your no-contact wish, but you never responded to my questions in my last email. Thats all. Let me know.
- The Boy

Did he seriously email me about a pair of sweatpants!?!? WTF. I was upset that he emailed. I was upset what he emailed about. I was upset that I was upset. I was upset that I cried. And I was hosting a party in 60 minutes (although, I managed to pull the party off without a hitch), for which I had already applied (not waterproof) mascara! LP was my saving grace, dispensing advice and a listening ear despite being in Portland for the weekend. Actually making me laugh about what worthless f-ker he is.

So... I've deleted the email (it was hard because I do want to talk to him, and I do want to see him). The sweatpants are (have been) in a box under my bed, filled with all the other momentos from our relationship. But if he is going to contact me, when I have specifically said not to, about a pair of sweatpants (when he has a good job and is still living at home - not paying rent - and could certainly just go to the store and buy a new pair), I am not returning the damn pants. I am not replying to the email either, because honestly he doesn't even deserve a response.

And then of course the insecurities set in... Not so skinny anymore girl is defending her thesis on Friday. Is he coming to town to celebrate her finishing her masters? Will he actually go to her defense? God, I hope not - I don't know what I'd do if I ran into him in the hall. Will he be going out in my part of town? At the bar 2 blocks away?

Aughhhhhh! I hate that he can make me feel this way.

Another boy in my life also has impeccable timing. But we will save that story for Part 2.

Go Ahead and Call Me a B*tch

I don't care... it is funny and it makes me feel better!!

There is this girl. I know her from school. We are "friends" mainly because we are two females in a male dominated program and had classes together. If I met her anywhere else though, we'd never be friends. She was friends with The Boy too.

I am/was jealous of her... I'll admit it. I actually asked The Boy if he had ever hooked up with her, or wanted to. I didn't really think anything happened (it didn't - I trust him enough to believe him when he says he never cheated on me) but there was just that nagging feeling, mainly stemming from the jealousy.

I'm not an insecure person, but she is (or was, see below) skinnier than me and more athletic. I sometime I felt like that was what The Boy wished I was more like - I don't think that is too far from the truth. I am completely aware that it is pathetic. And she might be skinny and athletic, but she pretty plain looking, isn't all that bright, and has a major blah personality. And she shows up for class in the most inappropriate outfits... hello... go put some clothes on!

It has been hard for me because I don't know if she is in contact with The Boy. He went out (drinking) with her both the night we went on the break (the last time I saw him) and the weekend after we officially broke up (over the phone). He was having a good time with her and his college buddies while I was curled up in bed inconsolable. It isn't her fault really, but I can't help but feel resentment towards her. Seeing her makes me think of him and I can't wait till she graduates and I don't have to run into her on an almost daily basis.

So... she is a big runner but had a stress fracture in the spring that she is still recovering from and can not run very much. Well, guess what happened to the skinny little girl... she gained some weight and isn't so skinny so more! I totally noticed it, I noticed that I am actually skinnier than her now (one good thing to come out of heartbreak!), but it was confirmed when she told me a story today (note: she told me the story so I am just relaying it, not spreading rumors or anything).

She put on her fave jeans yesterday and totally split the seam along her inner thigh!! Ha! Maybe if her jeans were so damn tight in the first place this wouldn't have happened! Will she learn her lesson? Probably not... her jeans were awful tight today again. Along with her skimpy top - hello! it is November!

So as I said - go ahead and call me a bitch for thinking this is hilarious... but it has been a rough couple of months and if something is making me feel good I am gonna run with it (and besides she'll never know I am having a laugh at her expense)! You can't be an angel and think nice thoughts although time.

(P.S. I really am almost over The Boy. Especially with respect to recent events, he is just not worth my agonizing over anymore. I am not 100% ready to say goodbye to it all yet, but soon!)

(P.P.S. I know that being skinny doesn't make you a better person. But it is nice to feel good about yourself.)

Just the Facts (some of which are a little fuzzy)

BMG and I went to a Halloween party together on Saturday.

We drank loads of cheap beer and played game after game of flip-cup (meaning we were toasted).

We walked 20 blocks home. During which time we decided to hold hands (not sure how this came about… I was drunk… but I am willing to bet I was the aggressor).

I fell down (again, don’t really know how, I just know it hurts and I have the bruises and scrapes to prove it).

I started crying as BMG helped me up.

We finally make it home and decide that BMG should sleep in my bed instead of on the couch.

Once in bed I start crying again - about my boo-boos and about The Boy. Actually, I think sobbing about The Boy would be more accurate.

In the midst of the crying, I decide that BMG and I should make out.

I essentially molest him. He lets me for a little bit but then realizes that this will only cause trouble and has to fend me off.

I cry more about The Boy while BMG holds me tight and tells me everything is going to be okay.

I eventually cry myself to sleep while BMG continues to comfort me.


So… ummm, yeah… That was so awkward and so embarrassing. And did I mention that somewhere in the middle of all this I told BMG that I used to totally crush on him.

He is cool enough of a guy though that we are all good, I think. He probably only thinks I am half psycho. I sent a long apologetic email and asked if he still wanted to do dinner this week as planned. He wrote back, telling me not to worry, and then also called last night to make definite plans.

Moral of the story: cheap beer, drinking games, broken hearts, and old crushes do not mix.

The Highest Potential of a Man

I am finishing up “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Many have told me they loved it, but honestly I am not that impressed. It is taking me forever to get through it. Last night though, after an emotionally draining Saturday night (a separate blog post all in itself), I picked the book up and really connected with several things she said. The following hit home the most:

“I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest point. I have fallen in love more times that I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

Although I couldn’t formulate my thoughts as eloquently as Elizabeth Gilbert, I have known this for awhile. I was in love with the highest potential of The Boy. I thought I saw something more in him. Whether there truly was something more in him, I might never know, but I do know that who I love, and who he truly is at this point in time are not the same. While The Boy has caused me much pain, it was my “flaw” of always seeing the best in everyone that lead to my heartbreak. I am the one that let myself fall in love with him, who saw something, someone that wasn’t really there. What is next though? I realize this, now what do I do with it? It doesn’t make things any easier. I still hurt. But at least I know I am not the only one out there with this problem.

As Elizabeth Gilbert’s lover said: “And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”

I'm baaaaack!

I've actually wanted to get back into blogging for quite a while, but I've been so busy and there has been no time. Still no time, but that probably won't change so I might as well get started.

Things are better. Not great, but better. I feel good some days, but bad some others. It is amazing how fast my mood can change. It is amazing how I can let one man affect me so much. It is amazing how a confident girl can feel so insecure. But here I am, over 2 months later, about 10 pounds lighter, and *almost* better. There is still a lot of hurt and anger, and yes, I miss The Boy like crazy, but I realize (most of the time) that I am better off without him. That if he couldn't love me, it was his problem and not mine. That he didn't deserve my love. That I deserve someone, something better. Granted, I have to keep telling myself this over and over, but it is a start.

The last month has been crazy busy: trips to New England and North Dakota, camping in the snow at Rainier, a half marathon (6+ minutes faster than the last one!), back to school. Lots more coming up: Hawaii, New York twice, planning for Peru, more school. Even though I feel like I am going crazy half the time, it keeps my mind off all the negative thoughts.

But I am back, maybe a bit more jaded and less trusting, but still optimistic that life will treat me well if I take advantage that all that is placed in front of me. And what I've learned is that I have amazing friends who will always be there for me (even when they have heard me cry over the same thing day after day after day!).

A Break

I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. My life is just a big mess right now and while I feel like blogging could be a good outlet for all my problems, it tends to feel like an obligation instead. Don't you worry - I'll still be reading blogs (how could I not, I'm totally intertwined into the lives of all you guys!), and my email still works... And if anyone wants to go to Hawaii in early November - I've got an extra bed (seriously, I think).

I just think that I should make a conscious decision to give it a break instead of letting my blog die a sad death. And hopefully when I get my life back in order, I'll be back.

But before I go, just a quick little update on recent events in this crazy little thing called life. I broke down earlier in the week, calling my parents in tears. They were shocked, having no idea that I had been a mess for so long. In addition to drama with The Boy, the weather has been unbelievably shitty this summer, I hate getting up every morning for my internship, and while my friends have been great - friendships are just evolving and things are changing. For the first time in 6 years, I am unhappy here in Seattle. I'm up one day and down the next and it is emotionally and physically (I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, months) tolling. I hated putting my parents in the position where they feel so helpless, being 3000 miles away, but I think it was for the best. Letting them into my problems has made me feel better. Everything still sucks, but I know given some time, things will get better.

The Boy's email threw me for a whirl. On the advice of Shell (who just returned from her summer in Alaska - I'm so glad she is back!), I ended up calling him and we talked for over an hour. I then sent "one last" email which he returned yesterday morning. After many tears (the story of my life nowadays), I've determined that he just doesn't get it, and maybe he never will. It is still hard though. It hurts to love someone that doesn't love you back.

Now here is the part where you can just shake your head and chuckle... we had a party last night and an old bedroom romp showed up. It was a bit awkward at first - Bike Boy told me later he was really nervous about showing up (he claims that I told him not to call me after the last hookup - which I certainly don't remember, but I was never really upset that he never called anyway), but once his friend passed out on the steps, we had something to break the ice and fell into comfortable conversation. If anyone had told me at as late as 9pm last night that I would have kissed a boy, I would have laughed in their face. But after lots of talking and looking at pictures (during which time we completely sobered up), we ended up kissing and he spent the night. There was nothing more than kissing and cuddling, but it felt good. I felt good for the first time in months. It is all kind of confusing to me. I don't know what I want, what I need... but I was honest with him about my "situation" so I guess we will just see where it goes. He is a really nice guy and really fun to talk with - I enjoyed his company immensely last night. Ahh, what the h*ll am I doing.

At least I'm (temporarily) going out with a bang!

13 Days

The Boy emailed on Wednesday. I had been feeling better, almost normal - and then things turned upside down. I am a mess again. Although unintentional (I think), his email was selfish. He wanted to know how my meeting with my advisor went. I'm sure he considers himself invested in my decision - it was his advice, his insight that helped me feel certain about what I wanted to do. And he was the first person that I wanted to call to tell him how well it went. But I didn't because I knew I couldn't, I shouldn't. I'm ignoring the email. I don't have a choice, I have to do what works for me.

He ended the email with "hope things are going well." Ughh, makes me sick to my stomach.

Random

This summer down right sucks. Not just because of things with The Boy, although that surely adds to the level of suckiness, but just overall. I guess after a summer like the last, it is hard to compare, but I really don't have much to show for this one besides my family vacation (which I was too upset about The Boy's departure to really enjoy) and the half marathon. I really don't like getting up every morning to go to my job, and have been counting down for weeks till I am out of there (5 more weeks to go).

Good news though - I am officially on track to start my PhD for winter quarter! I met with my advisor on Friday and I am very excited to make more progress on my thesis and finish up the masters degree during the fall, and then start on a new project. And the best news of all... she didn't even blink when I asked if I could take a month off (mid-January to mid-February) to travel to Ecuador and Peru! Sweet!

I met my advisor off campus, but I wanted to see my friend, LP's office (she just started working at UW - very exciting) and then I showed her mine. Walking into the building wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would have been, but I'm sure when I am walking along the hallways and have time to think about it, it will be a little rough. I ran into one of The Boy's friends (well, my friend too) outside. I think that The Boy must have been in town last weekend like he said he might, and must have seen Matt (the friend) because he didn't mention/ask about The Boy at all during our little chat. This is also the same guy that I feel "took" my spot to study abroad and he was telling me about his plans for Norway - so the whole conversation was a little awkward. Besides this run in, it felt good to be back at school.

I started Harry Potter this morning. I re-read #6 and I am glad I did because there was so much that I had forgotten and now I feel completely up to speed. I am about halfway through (I spent most of the day reading at the beach) and plan to hop into bed with it right now and immerse myself in the world of wizards and witches. Harry's problems are much much worse than mine!

Brain Drain

Guess who moved back into town the DAY AFTER The Boy and I broke up. Yup, BMG. Classic!

I also received an out of the blue gift from my mom that same day. A beautiful pink beaded necklace. I’ve been wearing it non-stop since. Funny how moms can sense when you need a pick me up.

Oh, and because I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat… I didn’t win the $89 mil on Tuesday (but neither did anyone else). Bummer.

And onto the subject that consumes my mind 99% of the day. It is a good thing that I have amazing friends, because honestly I am not strong enough to do this. Guess you can call me lucky to have never had my heart broken until now, but I don't have any practice on how to make it though and some days I feel like I am drowning. I want so bad to hear his voice. I wonder non-stop if he is thinking of me. He started work today on a 10 week project in the middle of no-where. There are no friends or family, no gym, no kitchen, he already finished Harry Potter - I can only imagine how crazy he is going with all this time to think. I shouldn't worry about him though, that has been my biggest fault in this whole relationship - worrying more about him than myself... but I can't help it.

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor to try and convince her that #1 she should let me stick around school for another year or two before fully committing to a PhD and then #2 she should let me take off the month of January to travel though Ecuador and Peru, and then of course work my ass off in February and March. I'm a little scared to go back to school and walk through those halls, with so many memories of all the hours The Boy and I spent there. I have to do it at some point, I just wish it wasn't tomorrow... Anyway, wish me luck with my advisor!

Getting On With It

There are two emotions battle side by side within me. I’m upset and sad because it is over and I may never see him again. And I’m angry and pissed at him for not trying and for waiting till now to be honest about what he could and couldn’t handle. And I am angry with myself for believing that he was somebody that I don’t think he ever was, or can be.

I ended the phone conversation abruptly – what’s the point if you can’t get any words out. I sent a scathing text message that he said he hoped was emotions and I truly didn’t mean it. It was emotions, but 3 days later I have no regrets on sending it and meant every word. I spent 9 months being mature, supportive, patient and understanding, so right now I have no problem taking the low road and being immature. I deserve it.

He is the person I want to run to, to make it all better, yet I know he can’t. I want to pick up the phone and call, but I know I need to cut the dependency cord and move on. Making it a little easier is knowing that the surest way to hurt him (again, I know immature) is to not have contact with him at all – especially during these next 10 or so weeks when he is working out in the middle of nowhere, having limited contact with anyone but construction workers. I’m not attempting to be a total cruel bitch but , #1 I need to look out for myself now, I’ve spent too long worrying too much about him, and #2 he needs to learn that there are consequences to his “me against the world” attitude and that is that people aren’t going to feel connected to him for the long term if he doesn’t give them some piece of himself to grasp on to.

Still though, if he were to call right now and say it was all a big mistake, I'd rush back into his arms. I check my phone obsessively for missed calls...

Leave the Pieces

The Boy and I broke up, for good, last night.

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you seeJ
ust as long as you're gone

[Chorus]

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

(the wreckers)

A Real Post

I’ve made a pledge to get actively involved in my life again. Yesterday was the first day back at it and it went so-so. I am going to blame my lack of success on the fact that I had only had 4 hours of sleep the night before and was a bit nervous about an impending talk with The Boy. I think it will take a bit of time to get back into the swing of things. Plans for this week include 2 dinners with my dad (in town for business), a run with Krissy and Laura, a camping trip to Mt. Rainier, and Sunday night drinks for a friend’s birthday. I’ve also finally started writing thank you notes to all the speakers (29!) from the conference I attended in DC in May. A little late, I know!

My trip to NY was nice. It was very relaxing and not as active as I would have liked (I wanted to explore and get out and do more), but I kept reminding myself that Jules is 7 months pregnant. Friday, the girls picked me up at the airport and we stopped by Jules’ sister’s house to see her niece. She is just so adorable! I’m ready to set her up with my nephew, they’d make such a cute couple! From there we headed to lunch in a very cute neighborhood of Rochester (I had a buffalo chicken salad – oh to have real buffalo chicken after what they try to pass off as it here in Seattle!) and to the salon for a mani/pedi. Friday night we hit the town with Jules’ sister and cousin for a girls night out filled with tapas and sangria. My newest obsession is white sangria – love it! Saturday we slept in before enjoying a leisurely brunch (7 months pregnant equals lots of eating but JQ and I didn’t complain!). We came home and lounged around some more before hitting the mall where I picked up some new mascara at S*phora and the cutest pair of Keds (which I can't find a picture of online, but believe me - they are cute!). We had ice cream for dinner and watched Knocked Up. I thought it was hilarious, although I could have done without the last 3 minutes or so (just what did that add to the movie??). Sunday we slept in (again), chowed down on bagels, helped Jules move a bunch of stuff into her car, ate lunch, and headed to the airport.

I got home very late on Sunday night/Monday morning (without my luggage – ugh!), but no one in my group was at work yesterday so I really didn’t do anything besides catch up on emails, think about my plans for the future, and work on those thank you notes. I would have done actual work, but I am at a point where I really need some guidance before moving forward – and there was no one there to provide it. I did manage to track down my luggage though - perk of working at the airport!

I waited till pretty late in the evening to text The Boy to see if he wanted to chat. We made small talk for a bit before I asked what he had decided. To make a long story short, we are on a true break where we are spending less time together (which really means none for a few more weeks) and talking less frequently, but we are working on communicating better. When given an ultimatum, he chose "him and me" over just "him" which is a pretty big deal for the boy who lives life like it is just him against the rest of the world. We are focusing on quality over quantity. It is pretty good timing because he is spending the next 10 weeks or so working out in the middle of nowhere (staying there during the week and coming home on the weekends) so he’d certainly not want to drive to Seattle on top of all that during the 2 days he has off. I am planning to suggest that we get back together sometime in mid to late August and see how it goes. There is this tiny voice in my head telling me to run for the hills before I get hurt, but there is a louder voice telling me I don’t want to look back someday and think “what if…” But I do feel like there is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night, and I managed to sleep the whole night through, a first in weeks.

The Lil' F*cker

So you know that boy who needed a break?

Saturday: text message.

Sunday: text message.

Tuesday: text message.

And no, he wasn't just giving it a break on Monday. That's when he called, even though we said we were not going to talk until I got back on Wednesday.

I didn't respond to any text messages, but I did call him back (I waited 6 hours though...).

I wasn't going to call last night, but sure enough - the phone rings right about the time we usually talk. What kills me is that both conversations have been great... he has been much more talkative than in recent weeks, and is back to his make me laugh until I cry self.

I did however tell him how confused I was by all this contact when he said he wanted a break. He admitted he is confused too. I gave him until Monday to work it out. If it is a break which is just an easy way to end things for good, then I'd like to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. If it is a break, where he really just needs some time to think before really working on our issues, then I'll hopeful and patient. But if he can't decide, I'll be the one to step up and say the final goodbye.

I'm thankful to be spending the next 3 days with the 2 girls who know me better than anyone in the world. And I'm thankful that there will be babies and weddings to talk about, getting my mind off The Boy.

And thanks to all of you for your kind words!

No Better

The Boy needed a break. That is now what we are on. I really don't know what that exactly means. I think I might have asked but now I don't remember. After a horrible hour of tears and sobs and shaking, he somehow convinced me to pull it together and he took me to lunch. Two and a half hours later I felt much better (we even figured out a plan and a backup plan for my PhD/job dilemma), but it is hard because I look at every little thing as potential for this still to work out. When he tells me he doesn't rule out "us" in the future... when he says he is thinking about looking for a job in Olympia... when he brought up Hawaii.

I'm ok though. It sucks. I am miserable. But I'm not about to go off the deep end or anything.

I will however be spending the next 4 days in Portland for a conference (not looking forward to it) and then 3 days back in NY for a long weekend to see my bestest BFFs. I'll be MIA, but not to worry (too much).

Bad

Things with The Boy have been really rocky this week. Actually I spent Tuesday convinced it was over. I didn't eat a thing all day and pretend I was having an allergy attack (red, watery eyes). The talk Tuesday went better. It just sucks because it is really all on his shoulders. While I'll be there to provide support, he is the one that needs to make a change. As we left it last night, we were going to talk when he comes into Seattle on Friday. His final words were "I don't know where I am at." I could go into greater detail, but honestly I am just exhausted from thinking about it non-stop.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, yet not be too pessimistic. A good sign this evening though... He has been absolutely horrible returning emails, just not responding at all or even acknowledging them (part of the problem). But when I checked my email, I had two from him. One was his take on my PhD/work list (which we had discussed him weighing in on so I was expecting it). The second though was just a quick reply to a picture album I sent him, the kind of reply you send just to tell the person that you took an interest in what they sent to you. Tomorrow he should be getting the package I sent to him before the fallout. It is just a cute card and a bottle opener that plays his alma mater fight song when you open a beer. I thought fondly of him when I saw it in the store and hopefully he'll think fondly of me when he gets it.

Let's Just Pretend It Never Happened

June 2007 was the suckiest month of my life.

I dreaded it's arrival and the departure of my boyfriend. I moped around when I finally got here, unmotivated to do anything but feel sorry for myself. I wasn't myself, perhaps bordering on depression, once The Boy did leave. Visiting him this weekend was the one shining moment of the month (although he is living with his parents right now which meant no alone time!).

But the true reward was this morning, when I awoke with a new, fresh attitude; happier than I'd been in longer than I can remember. I'm on a high and in no rush to come back down.

So... let's just pretend June never happened, ok?

(Eastern Washington - kinda pretty 'eh?)