An Unsent Email to Laura

L-
OK so I hate feeling like a pooper all the time and complaining, but there are really only 2 people that I feel like I can really be myself with, pathetic-ness and all. I guess I wanted to bring it up on the phone the other day, but it is just awkward to start talking about it, and then I regretted not doing so because I knew I'd probably feel better if I did.

I've been doing better. I've been so busy with school and have met some new people. But now that it gets closer to Boston potentially coming back, I'm just sinking back down. I have my moments, but in general the whole situation has been out of my mind, until recently. I hate not being in control of what is happening. I hate being reminded about how I fcked up. I hate being reminded how The Boy hurt me and how everything with Boston parallels that - and I was so stupid to fall for it again. I hate it when people (including him) tell me that he does care about me because why did someone who cares about me continue to make decisions that hurt me again and again. I'm sick of people telling me that I should start dating, or that I'll want to start dating soon enough - because I don't want to, not now and it doesn't feel like ever. I was happy when I was single, and then when I did open up and let someone(s) into my life, they walked all over me, so why would I want to do it again? I hate that Seattle is such a fcking small city. I hate the fact that while I have been slowly moving in a positive direction, there is the potential out there that I am going to knocked back on my ass, again. And I can't do anything about it He seems to be awful good at kicking me again and again when I am down - to the point where I just cringe and expect it to happen again. I hate that if he told me he made a mistake, I'd take him back (not immediately or unconditionally, but I still do believe in what we had).

I want to not miss you so much. I want to not feel guilty telling you that. I want to feel like myself again. I want to not feel so needy, Or so helpless. I know in time I'll be okay, but I want to be ok now.

I hate to tell you all this because I can't imagine it is fun to read. You don't even really have to respond - just telling you takes some of the burden off me because I don't feel like I am hiding everything. I hate putting you in an awkward position because I know he is your friend. But he smashed me into what feels like a million pieces and I don't feel like I can put it all back together without help. and no one knows me better than you.

I love you. and I miss you. And I'm seriously counting down the days till I see you in June. We are going running everyday. And you're making pizza. And we are going to trivia. You better be getting excited, because I sure as hell am.

-k

(I decided it is best to re-evaluate in the morning, and decide if I really want to send this.)