My thesis defense couldn’t have gone better. Short of printing out the actual thesis and standing in line to hand it in, I’ve finished my masters degree. I’m headed on a Mediterrean vacation in less than 2 weeks. I should feel like I’m on top of the world.
But I woke up with a funny feeling in my stomach.
I might have cried about it a bit everyday over the past week, but I finally have the time to really let it sink in. Boston is returning to Boston in a few days. We haven’t spoken since July 17th, only exchanging emotional emails on the 31st. He can’t possibly leave without saying goodbye, right?
Laura made it to Boston today. She is no longer just on vacation. She has really moved. I miss her. A lot. Max is back in Seattle for a few days. He is staying with Boston tonight, meaning I probably won’t end up seeing him. It is hard to know that my friends are still friends with the man who broke my heart – the one who has made me terrified about the thought of trusting anyone ever again.
I feel a bit lost. Like I spent so much time with Laura, Max, and Boston over the past year, that I don't have a life now that they are all gone. Other friendships have been strained, and I'm not quite sure how to go about mending them. Or if I want to.
As all of the “I defended my thesis today!” celebration wound down last night, I found myself alone at the bar with BMG. We’ve spent more time together this past week than in the past few months. Halloween came up. My past crush on him came up. His roommate came up.
The comment that stuck with me: “Numerous friends of mine have told me that I’m crazy for not dating you…”
I tossed and turned all last night. BMG was in my dream last night. We kissed (in the dream I mean). I woke up confused.
I am confused. And really, I feel too old for all this. Shouldn’t I have life all figured out by now?
10 comments:
I have found that life happens in rounds - one round ends, and the bell dings and the next one begins. Sometimes though that bell takes a while to ding. I myself get totally lost in between these rounds and feel just the way you do right now. But don't worry - you'll get back into the groove once this new round starts (with BMG maybe??? :) ). It just sucks waiting for it to happen. But its all exciting knowing that one chapter has closed, and a new one is beginning. (wow I'm full of metaphors today)
I totally am feeling your funk. My living in a small college town means that over time all my friends have left. It sucks. I love my friends.
I'm lucky to have a boyfriend but I feel like it's really dangerous to let your life center around a boy. Too much pressure on the relationship if he's your only go-to person.
I'm rambling. But I agree with your funk and am feeling you from Florida. At least the rain from Fay matches my mood....
It's so hard when your friends are friends with your ex. I used to want my friends to take up an offense for me. And I didn't feel like it was fair that he got to keep them after he hurt me. So I think I understand a bit of what you're feeling.
I am kind of annoyed for you that BMG said that. :) I mean, what does that even mean? Maybe he was fishing. No wonder you woke up feeling confused! I'm sorry things are rough right now. I hope your trip is rejuvenating! Congratulations on getting your Masters!
Congrats on the successful defence! I had no doubt it would go well, but it's always nice to hear that...
I'm sorry your mates are all leaving. And that you're so unsure about Boston. And the state of some of your friendships (I can feel you on that particular part at the moment.)
As for BMG, whose name is of course familiar, why not see what happens? You'll be in Cyprus for a bit
and that'll give you a bit of time to just be away from everything and chill out. Maybe when you return to the Pacific Northwest all tan and stuff you'll have a new perspective...
Well first off - BIG HUGE AMAZING Congratulations on defending your thesis!!! That is SUPER WONDERFUL! I am so so glad it went well!!!!! What a load off!
Re: the boys/friends/everything confusion... no, you shouldn't have it all figured out just yet... life's a journey.
Sending big hugs to you!
Congrats on your thesis! At least you have THAT figured out, right??
Focus on the good...like, you never have to write a school paper again AND YOU'RE GOING TO CYPRUS!!!!
congratulations on finishing your thesis. i'm so not excited about doing that all again. i'm glad you went out and celebrated! you are in a tough place no ifs ands or buts about it. just keep your chin up and keep pressing on. mend the friendships you want too, make new friendships and have an awesome vacation. just relax and do stuff you love, the rest will fall into place.
First, way to go on your thesis! That is awesome!
Second, if age were equivalent to figuring out all the love crap, I missed that page in the Manual of Life.
Congratulations on your thesis!
K, honey... I don't think we ever get it all figured out.
Sounds to me like he was fishing for your reaction... to see if you were interested. What did you say to that?
Maybe just take your trip and see what happens when you get back. YOu have liked this guy for a while, and he's still hanging around or turning up.
Time to put up or shut up.. (for him) All I'm saying is don't pine after him for too long.
It's time for a resolution.
Since dating Mr. Burns, I look back on the guys I spent so much time fawning over, dissecting every little bit of interest... what a waste. I am never going to do that again. If you're interested act interested, see what happens, move on.
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