Thoughts (or More Like Ramblings)

Even though I woke up with a slight hangover this morning (just two beers but all I had eaten since noon was a luna bar so I probably deserved it), I felt completely energized at 7 am – almost euphoric. I ended up bailing on skiing at the last minute last night. I just didn’t feel like going so why make myself. My season’s pass is more than paid for and I am already closing in on the most ski days in a season record (plus there is a still lot of snow). I felt a bit guilty (or maybe more shady) about it because not going meant I could hit up trivia, which meant I could see “the boy” (who I think I’m going to refer to at Big Math Geek, BMG, from this point on). But looking back it certainly was a good decision – even though I went straight from work to hitting the pavement for a decent run, hopped right into the shower and then to trivia, I felt relaxed and like I was doing things on my terms. BMG and I talked at trivia. Pretty good conversation, yet it was a little awkward. I know I didn’t feel exactly relaxed and I don’t think he did either, but I don’t know why. There weren’t sparks but I think I’m ok with that – I feel like it might be best to work the friend angle and see where that leads. I know that he just got out of a 2 year relationship and if I was in his position, I wouldn’t be looking to jump into anything new right away. I am certainly going to maintain the crush, and I’m not beneath dazzling him to encourage a developing crush on me! I think the lack of pressure will take the awkwardness out our relationship as well. There is a slight bit of hesitation on my part for anything more too – I don’t want to get to know him more and then face the disappointment of my potentially realizing that there is nothing there. I just don’t want to deal with this perpetual disappointment when it comes to guys so it seems almost better to keep myself out of those situations. Am I jaded? I am afraid I might be.

But back to the euphoric state… I’m not quite sure what has brought it on but the high is certainly a nice change from my recent mood. I’ve been a bit antsy lately, thinking about the impending grad school decision, counting down the days till I leave my job (121), looking for plane tickets, all in all a bit apathetic about what is happening in my life right now and thinking more about the future and less about the present. While I’m certainly not unhappy, I haven’t been the most optimistic person or my usual happy go lucky self as of late. Yet I still try to project that image because that is what everyone expects and I don’t want to disappoint. I’m not really faking it, I guess it is more that I have to put more effort into maintaining the positive attitude and resist a bit harder to keep from complaining or being moody. That effort is often exhausting.

In the past few weeks I have certainly found myself withdrawing more from my friends. Not some permanent withdrawal, but just not having the energy to engage in a conversation. I’ve only sent k2 one email since I got back from visiting her. I haven’t spoken to 2 of my closest friends in Seattle all week. I feel like I have not been social lately, when in fact I have been physically engaging in social situations – so I must be mentally withdrawing. I’m aware of it though. Last night I felt like myself. Tonight I am excited to be catching a movie with my movie club and then grabbing a drink with a friend for her birthday (and potentially letting BMG tag along). And Friday I am hanging out in my hood – getting some cheap tickets to the Sonics game and hanging with some cool new guys I met at trivia last night. It’s a lot of social interaction, especially after taking a step back from it for a bit now, but I feel up to the challenge.

Since there is nothing tangible which is wrong, I’m focusing on making some little changes in my life which will hopefully provide the slight attitude adjustment that I need. I unplugged the tv yesterday as my Lenten sacrifice. I have a pile of books to read through, a bunch of clothes that need mending, and a hall closet which is a mess – no tv means I can actually accomplish all that. I’m on a campaign to drink 64 ounces of water a day (I’m at 28 right now for today) and less diet coke. I started running again. It is utterly painful (mentally and physically) but I know I need to keep at it in order to get over the hump. I’m also on this new “living below my means” kick. I’m conscious of what I am spending and while I am not limiting myself, I see the pennies in my savings account adding up. It seems like once I started becoming more aware of where my money goes, it is easier to say – ehh, I don’t really need to buy that.

Life is good, and by focusing that, I can certainly push out these little negative thoughts and emotions which are trying to take up residence in me. I shouldn’t focus on being happy 100% of the time. That is unreasonable. I’ll settle for 98%